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or, The Gods Grown Old
Libretto by William S. Gilbert
Music by Arthur S. Sullivan
Jupiter, Aged Diety
Apollo, Aged Diety
Mars, Aged Diety
Diana, Aged Diety
Mercury
Thespis
Sillimon
Timidon
Tipseion
Preposteros
Stupidas
Sparkeion
Nicemis
Pretteia
Daphne
Cymon
ACT I - Ruined Temple on the Summit of Mount Olympus
ACT II - The same Scene, with the Ruins Restored
[Scene--The ruins of the The Temple of the Gods, on summit of
Mount Olympus. Picturesque shattered columns, overgrown with
ivy, etc. R. and L. with entrances to temple (ruined) R. Fallen
columns on the stage. Three broken pillars 2 R.E. At the back of
stage is the approach from the summit of the mountain. This
should be "practicable" to enable large numbers of people to
ascend and descend. In the distance are the summits of adjacent
mountains. At first all this is concealed by a thick fog, which
clears presently. Enter (through fog) Chorus of Stars coming off
duty as fatigued with their night's work]
Through the night, the constellations,
Have given light from various stations.
When midnight gloom falls on all nations,
We will resume our occupations.
Our light, it's true, is not worth mention;
What can we do to gain attention.
When night and noon with vulgar glaring
A great big moon is always flaring.
[During chorus, enter Diana, an elderly goddess. She is carefully
wrapped up in cloaks, shawls, etc. A hood is over her head, a
respirator in her mouth, and galoshes on her feet. During the
chorus, she takes these things off and discovers herself dressed
in the usual costume of the Lunar Diana, the goddess of the moon.
[shuddering] Ugh. How cold the nights are. I don't know how
it is, but I seem to feel the night air a good deal more than I
used to. But it is time for the sun to be rising. [Calls] Apollo.
[within] Hollo.
I've come off duty--it's time for you to be getting up.
[Enter Apollo. He is an elderly "buck" with an air of assumed
juvenility and is dressed in dressing gown and smoking cap.
[yawning] I shan't go out today. I was out yesterday and the
day before and I want a little rest. I don't know how it is,but I
seem to feel my work a great deal more than I used to.
I am sure these short days can't hurt you. Why you don't
rise til six and you're in bed again by five; you should have a
turn at my work and see how you like that--out all night.
My dear sister, I don't envy you--though I remember when I
did--but that was when I was a younger sun. I don't think I'm
quite well. Perhaps a little change of air will do me good. I've
a mind to show myself in London this winter. They'll be very glad
to see me. No. I shan't go out today. I shall send them this
fine, thick wholesome fog and they won't miss me. It's the best
substitute for a blazing sun--and like most substitutes, nothing
at all like the real thing.
[Fog clears away and discovers the scene described. Hurried
music. Mercury shoots up from behind precipice at the back of
stage. He carries several parcels afterwards described. He sits
down, very much fatigued.]
Home at last. A nice time I've had of it.
You young scamp you've been out all night again. This is the
third time you've been out this week.
Well you're a nice one to blow me up for that.
I can't help being out all night.
And I can't help being down all night. The nature of Mercury
requires that he should go down when the sun sets, and rise again
when the sun rises.
And what have you been doing?
Stealing on commission. There's a set of false teeth and a
box of Life Pills for Jupiter--an invisible peruke and a bottle
of hair dye--that's for Apollo--a respirator and a pair of
galoshes--that's for Cupid--a full bottomed chignon, some
auricomous fluid, a box of pearl-powder, a pot of rouge, and a
hare's foot--that's for Venus.
Stealing. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Oh, as the god of thieves I must do something to justify my
position.
and AP. [contemptuously] Your position.
Oh, I know it's nothing to boast of even on earth. Up here,
it's simply contemptible. Now that you gods are too old for your
work, you've made me the miserable drudge of Olympus--groom,
valet, postman, butler, commissionaire, maid of all work, parish
beadle, and original dustman.
Your Christmas boxes ought to be something considerable.
They ought to be but they're not. I'm treated abominably.
I make everybody and I'm nobody. I go everywhere and I'm
nowhere. I do everything and I'm nothing. I've made thunder for
Jupiter, odes for Apollo, battles for Mars, and love for Venus.
I've married couples for Humen and six weeks afterwards, I've
divorced them for Cupid, and in return I get all the kicks while
they pocket the halfpence. And in compensation for robbing me of
the halfpence in question, what have they done for me.
Why they've--ha.ha.ha. they've made you the god of thieves.
Very self denying of them. There isn't one of them who
hasn't a better claim to the distinction than I have.
Oh, I'm the celestial drudge,
For morning to night I must stop at it.
On errands all day I must trudge,
And stick to my work til I drop at it.
In summer I get up at one.
(As a good-natured donkey I'm ranked for it.)
then I go and I light up the sun.
And Phoebus Apollo gets thanked for it.
Well, well, it's the way of the world.
And will be through all its futurity.
Though noodles are baroned and earled,
There's nothing for clever obscurity.
I'm the slave of the Gods, neck and heels,
And I'm bound to obey, though I rate at 'em.
And I not only order their meals,
But I cook 'em and serve'em and wait at 'em.
Then I make all their nectar, I do.
(What a terrible liquor to rack us is.)
And whenever I mix them a brew,
Why all the thanksgivings are Bacchus's.
Well, well, it's the way of the world, etc.....
The reading and writing I teach.
And spelling-books many I've edited.
And for bringing those arts within reach,
That donkey Minerva gets credited.
Then I scrape at the stars with a knife,
And plate-powder the moon (on the days for it).
And I hear all the world and his wife
Awarding Diana the praise for it.
Well, well, it's the way of the world, etc....
[After song--very loud and majestic music is heard]
and MER [looking off] Why, who's this? Jupiter, by Jove.
[Enter Jupiter, an extremely old man, very decrepit, with very
thin straggling white beard, he wears a long braided dressing
gown, handsomely trimmed, and a silk night-cap on his head.
Mercury falls back respectfully as he enters.]
Good day, Diana. Ah, Apollo. Well, well, well, what's the
matter? What's the matter?
Why that young scamp Mercury says that we do nothing, and
leave all the duties of Olympus to him. Will you believe it, he
actually says that our influence on earth is dropping down to
nil.
Well, well. Don't be hard on the lad. To tell you the
truth, I'm not sure that he's far wrong. Don't let it go any
further, but, between ourselves, the sacrifices and votive
offerings have fallen off terribly of late. Why, I can remember
the time when people offered us human sacrifices, no mistake
about it, human sacrifices. Think of that.
Ah. Those good old days.
Then it fell off to oxen, pigs, and sheep.
Well, there are worse things than oxen, pigs and sheep.
So I've found to my cost. My dear sir, between ourselves,
it's dropped off from one thing to another until it has
positively dwindled down to preserved Australian beef. What do
you think of that?
I don't like it at all.
You won't mention it. It might go further.
It couldn't fare worse.
In short, matters have come to such a crisis that there's no
mistake about it--something must be done to restore our
influence, the only question is, what?
[Coming forward in great alarm. Enter Mars]
Oh incident unprecedented.
I hardly can believe it's true.
Why, bless the boy, he's quite demented.
Why, what's the matter, sir, with you?
Speak quickly, or you'll get a warming.
Why, mortals up the mount are swarming
Our temple on Olympus storming,
In hundreds--aye in thousands, too.
Goodness gracious
How audacious
Earth is spacious
Why come here?
Our impeding
Their proceeding
Were good breeding
That is clear.
Jupiter, hear my plea.
Upon the mount if they light.
There'll be an end of me.
I won't be seen by daylight.
Tartarus is the place
These scoundrels you should send to--
Should they behold my face.
My influence there's an end to.
[looking over precipice]
What fools to give themselves
so much exertion
A government survey I'll make assertion.
Perhaps the Alpine clubs their diversion.
They seem to be more like a "Cook's" excursion.
Goodness gracious, etc.
If, mighty Jove, you value your existence,
Send them a thunderbolt with your regards.
My thunderbolts, though valid at a distance,
Are not effective at a hundred yards.
Let the moon's rays, Diana, strike 'em flighty,
Make 'em all lunatics in various styles.
My lunar rays unhappily are mighty
Only at many hundred thousand miles.
Goodness gracious, etc...
[Exeunt Jupiter, Apollo, Diana, and Mercury into ruined temple]
[Enter Sparkeion and Nicemis climbing mountain at back.]
Here we are at last on the very summit, and we've left the
others ever so far behind. Why, what's this?
A ruined palace. A palace on the top of a mountain. I
wonder who lives here? Some mighty kind, I dare say, with wealth
beyond all counting who came to live up here--
To avoid his creditors. It's a lovely situation for a
country house though it's very much out of repair.
Very inconvenient situation.
Inconvenient.
Yes, how are you to get butter, milk, and eggs up here? No
pigs, no poultry, no postman. Why, I should go mad.
What a dear little practical mind it is. What a wife you
will make.
Don't be too sure--we are only partly married--the marriage
ceremony lasts all day.
I have no doubt at all about it. We shall be as happy as a
king and queen, though we are only a strolling actor and actress.
It's very nice of Thespis to celebrate our marriage day by
giving the company a picnic on this lovely mountain.
And still more kind to allow us to get so much ahead of all
the others. Discreet Thespis. [kissing her]
There now, get away, do. Remember the marriage ceremony
is not yet completed.
But it would be ungrateful to Thespis's discretion not to
take advantage of it by improving the opportunity.
Certainly not; get away.
On second thought the opportunity's so good it don't admit
of improvement. There. [kisses her]
How dare you kiss me before we are quite married?
Attribute it to the intoxicating influence of the mountain
air.
Then we had better do down again. It is not right to
expose ourselves to influences over which we have no control.
Here far away from all the world,
Dissension and derision,
With Nature's wonders all unfurled
To our delighted vision,
With no one here
(At least in sight)
To interfere
With our delight,
And two fond lovers sever,
Oh do not free,
Thine hand from mine,
I swear to thee
My love is ever thine
For ever and for ever.
On mountain top the air is keen,
And most exhilarating,
And we say things we do not mean
In moments less elating.
So please to wait
For thoughts that crop,
En tete-a-tete,
On mountain top,
May not exactly tally
With those that you
May entertain,
Returning to
The sober plain
Of yon relaxing valley
Very well--if you won't have anything to say to me, I know
who will.
Who will?
Daphne will.
Daphne would flirt with anybody.
Anybody would flirt with Daphne. She is quite as pretty as
you and has twice as much back-hair.
She has twice as much money, which may account for it.
At all events, she has appreciation. She likes good looks.
We all like what we haven;t got.
She keeps her eyes open.
Yes--one of them.
Which one.
The one she doesn't wink with.
Well, I was engaged to her for six months and if she still
makes eyes at me, you must attribute it to force of habit.
Besides--remember--we are only half-married at present.
I suppose you mean that you are going to treat me as
shamefully as you treated her. Very well, break it off if you
like. I shall not offer any objection. Thespis used to be very
attentive to me. I'd just as soon be a manager's wife as a fifth-
rate actor's.
[Chorus heard, at first below, then enter Daphne, Pretteia,
Preposteros, Stupidas, Tipseion, Cymon, and other members of
Thespis's company climbing over rocks at back. All carry small
baskets.]
[with dance] Climbing over rocky mountain
Skipping rivulet and fountain,
Passing where the willows quiver
By the ever rolling river,
Swollen with the summer rain.
Threading long and leafy mazes,
Dotted with unnumbered daisies,
Scaling rough and rugged passes,
Climb the hearty lads and lasses,
Til the mountain-top they gain.
Fill the cup and tread the measure
Make the most of fleeting leisure.
Hail it as a true ally
Though it perish bye and bye.
Every moment brings a treasure
Of its own especial pleasure,
Though the moments quickly die,
Greet them gaily as they fly.
Far away from grief and care,
High up in the mountain air,
Let us live and reign alone,
In a world that's all our own.
Here enthroned in the sky,
Far away from mortal eye,
We'll be gods and make decrees,
Those may honor them who please.
Fill the cup and tread the measure...etc.
[After Chorus and Couples enter, Thespis climbing over rocks]
Bless you, my people, bless you. Let the revels commence.
After all, for thorough, unconstrained unconventional enjoyment
give me a picnic.
[very gloomily] Give him a picnic, somebody.
Be quiet, Preposteros. Don't interrupt.
Ha. Ha. Shut up again. But no matter.
[Stupidas endeavors, in pantomime, to reconcile him. Throughout
the scene Prep shows symptoms of breaking out into a furious
passion, and Stupidas does all he can to pacify and restrain
him.]
The best of a picnic is that everybody contributes what he
pleases, and nobody knows what anybody else has brought til the
last moment. Now, unpack everybody and let's see what there is
for everybody.
I have brought you--a bottle of soda water--for the claret-
cup.
I have brought you--lettuce for the lobster salad.
A piece of ice--for the claret-cup.
A bottle of vinegar--for the lobster salad.
A bunch of burrage for the claret-cup.
A hard boiled egg--for the lobster salad.
One lump of sugar for the claret-cup.
He has brought one lump of sugar for the claret-cup? Ha.
Ha. Ha. [laughing melodramatically]
Well, Preposteros, what have you brought?
I have brought two lumps of the very best salt for the
lobster salad.
Oh--is that all?
All. Ha. Ha. He asks if it is all. {Stup. consoles him]
But, I say--this is capital so far as it goes. Nothing
could be better, but it doesn't go far enough. The claret, for
instance. I don't insist on claret--or a lobster--I don't insist
on lobster, but a lobster salad without a lobster, why it isn't
lobster salad. Here, Tipseion.
[a very drunken, bloated fellow, dressed, however, with
scrupulous accuracy and wearing a large medal around his neck] My
master. [Falls on his knees to Thes. and kisses his robe.]
Get up--don't be a fool. Where's the claret? We arranged
last week that you were to see to that.
True, dear master. But then I was a drunkard.
You were.
You engaged me to play convivial parts on the strength of
my personal appearance.
I did.
Then you found that my habits interfered with my duties as
low comedian.
True.
You said yesterday that unless I took the pledge you would
dismiss me from your company.
Quite so.
Good. I have taken it. It is all I have taken since
yesterday. My preserver. [embraces him]
Yes, but where's the wine?
I left it behind that I might not be tempted to violate my
pledge.
Minion. [Attempts to get at him, is restrained by Stupidas]
Now, Preposteros, what is the matter with you?
It is enough that I am down-trodden in my profession. I
will not submit to imposition out of it. It is enough that as
your heavy villain I get the worst of it every night in a combat
of six. I will not submit to insult in the day time. I have come
out. Ha. Ha. to enjoy myself.
But look here, you know--virtue only triumphs at night from
seven to ten--vice gets the best of it during the other twenty
one hours. Won't that satisfy you? [Stupidas endeavours to
pacify him.]
[Irritated to Stupidas] Ye are odious to my sight. Get out
of it.
[In great terror] What have I done?
Now what is it. Preposteros, what is it?
I a -- hate him and would have his life.
[to Stup.] That's it--he hates you and would have your
life. Now go and be merry.
Yes, but why does he hate me?
Oh--exactly. [to Prep.] Why do you hate him?
Because he is a minion.
He hates you because you are a minion. It explains itself.
Now go and enjoy yourselves. Ha. Ha. It is well for those who can
laugh--let them do so--there is no extra charge. The light-
hearted cup and the convivial jest for them--but for me--what is
there for me?
There is some claret-cup and lobster salad [handing some]
[taking it] Thank you. [Resuming] What is there for me but
anxiety--ceaseless gnawing anxiety that tears at my very vitals
and rends my peace of mind asunder? There is nothing whatever
for me but anxiety of the nature I have just described. The
charge of these thoughtless revellers is my unhappy lot. It is
not a small charge, and it is rightly termed a lot because there
are many. Oh why did the gods make me a manager?
[as guessing a riddle] Why did the gods make him a manager?
Why did the gods make him a manager.
Why did the gods make him a manager?
Why did the gods make him a manager?
No--no--what are you talking about? What do you mean?
I've got it--no don't tell us.
No--no--because--because
[annoyed] It isn't a conundrum. It's misanthropical
question.
[Who is sitting with Spar. to the annoyance of Nice. who is
crying alone] I'm sure I don't know. We do not want you. Don't
distress yourself on our account--we are getting on very
comfortably--aren't we Sparkeion.
We are so happy that we don't miss the lobster or the
claret. What are lobster and claret compared with the society of
those we love? [embracing Daphne.]
Why, Nicemis, love, you are eating nothing. Aren't you
happy dear?
[spitefully] You are quite welcome to my share of
everything. I intend to console myself with the society of my
manager. [takes Thespis' arm affectionately].
Here I say--this won't do, you know--I can't allow it--at
least before my company--besides, you are half-married to
Sparkeion. Sparkeion, here's your half-wife impairing my
influence before my company. Don't you know the story of the
gentleman who undermined his influence by associating with his
inferiors?
Yes, yes--we know it.
[formally] I do not know it. It's ever thus. Doomed to
disappointment from my earliest years. [Stup. endeavours to
console him]
There--that's enough. Preposteros--you shall hear it.
I once knew a chap who discharged a function
On the North South East West Diddlesex Junction.
He was conspicuous exceeding,
For his affable ways, and his easy breeding.
Although a chairman of directions,
He was hand in glove with the ticket inspectors.
He tipped the guards with brand new fivers,
And sang little songs to the engine drivers.
'Twas told to me with great compunction,
By one who had discharged with unction
A chairman of directors function
On the North South East West Diddlesex Junction.
Fol diddle, lol diddle, lol lol lay.
Each Christmas day he gave each stoker
A silver shovel and a golden poker.
He'd button holw flowers for the ticket sorters
And rich Bath-buns for the outside porters.
He'd moun the clerks on his first-class hunters,
And he build little villas for the road-side shunters,
And if any were fond of pigeon shooting,
He'd ask them down to his place at Tooting.
Twas told to me....etc.
In course of time there spread a rumour
That he did all this from a sense of humour.
So instead of signalling and stoking,
They gave themselves up to a course of joking.
Whenever they knew that he was riding,
They shunted his train on a lonely siding,
Or stopped all night in the middle of a tunnel,
On the plea that the boiler was a-coming through the funnel.
Twas told to me...etc.
It he wished to go to Perth or Stirling,
His train through several counties whirling,
Would set him down in a fit of larking,
At four a.m. in the wilds of Barking.
This pleased his whim and seemed to strike it,
But the general public did not like it.
The receipts fell, after a few repeatings,
And he got it hot at the annual meetings.
Twas told to me...etc.
He followed out his whim with vigour,
The shares went down to a nominal figure.
These are the sad results proceeding
From his affable ways and his easy breeding.
The line, with its rais and guards and peelers,
Was sold for a song to marine store dealers
The shareholders are all in the work'us,
And he sells pipe-lights in the Regent Circus.
Twas told to me...etc.
It's very hard. As a man I am naturally of an easy disposition.
As a manager, I am compelled to hold myself aloof, that my
influence may not be deteriorated. As a man I am inclined to
fraternize with the pauper--as a manager I am compelled to walk
around like this: Don't know yah. Don't know yah. Don't know yah.
[Strides haughtily about the stage. Jupiter, Mars, and Apollo, in
full Olympian costume appear on the three broken columns.
Thespians scream.]
Presumptuous mortal.
Don't know ya. Don't know yah.
[seated on broken pillars] Presumptuous mortal.
I do not know you. I do not know you.
Presumptuous mortal.
Remove this person.
[Stup and Prep seize Ap and Mars]
Stop, you evidently don't know me. Allow me to offer you my
card. [Throws flash paper]
Ah yes, it's very pretty, but we don't want any at present.
When we do our Christmas piece, I'll let you know. [Changing his
manner] Look here, you know this is a private party and we
haven't the pleasure of your acquaintance. There are a good many
other mountains about, if you must have a mountain all to
yourself. Don't make me let myself down before my company.
[Resuming] Don't know yah, Don't know yah.
I am Jupiter, the king of the gods. This is Apollo. This is
Mars. [All kneel to them except Thespis]
Oh. Then as I'm a respectable man, and rather particular
about the company I keep, I think I'll go.
No--no--stop a bit. We want to consult you on a matter of
great importance. There. Now we are alone. Who are you?
I am Thespis of the Thessalian Theatres.
The very man we want. Now as a judge of what the public
likes are you impressed with my appearance as father of the gods?
Well to be candid with you, I am not. In fact I'm
disappointed.
Disappointed?
Yes, you see you're so much out of repair. No, you don't
come up to my idea of the part. Bless you, I've played you often.
You have.
To be sure I have.
And how have you dressed the part.
Fine commanding party in the prime of life. Thunderbolt--
full beard--dignified manner--a good eal of this sort of thin
"Don't know ya. Don't know yah. Don't know yah.
[much affected] I--I'm very much obliged to you. It's very
good of you. I--I--I used to be like that. I can't tell you how
much I feel it. And do you find I'm an impressive character to
play?
Well no, I can't say you are. In fact we don't you you
much out of burlesque.
Burlesque!
Yes, it's a painful subject, drop it, drop it. The fact
is, you are not the gods you were--you're behind your age.
Well, but what are we to do? We feel that we ought to do
something, but we don't know what.
Why don't you all go down to earth, incog, mingle with the
world, hear and see what people think of you, and judge for
yourselves as to the best means to take to restore your
influence?
Ah, but what's to become of Olympus in the meantime?
Lor' bless you, don't distress yourself about that. I've a
very good company, used to take long parts on the shortest
notice. Invest us with your powers and we'll fill your places
till you return.
[aside] The offer is tempting. But suppose you fail?
Fail. Oh, we never fail in our profession. We've nothing
but great successes.
Then it's a bargain.
It's a bargain. [they shake hands on it]
And that you may not be entirely without assistance, we will
leave you Mercury and whenever you find yourself in a difficulty
you can consult him. [enter Mercury]
So that's arranged--you take my place, my boy,
While we make trial of a new existence.
At length I will be able to enjoy
The pleasures I have envied from a distance.
Compelled upon Olympus here to stop,
While the other gods go down to play the hero.
Don't be surprised if on this mountain top
You find your Mercury is down at zero.
To earth away to join in mortal acts.
And gather fresh materials to write on.
Investigate more closely, several facts,
That I for centuries have thrown some light on.
I, as the modest moon with crescent bow.
Have always shown a light to nightly scandal,
I must say I'd like to go below,
And find out if the game is worth the candle.
[enter all thespians, summoned by Mercury]
Here come your people.
People better now.
While mighty Jove goes down below
With all the other deities.
I fill his place and wear his "clo,"
The very part for me it is.
To mother earth to make a track,
They are all spurred and booted, too.
And you will fill, till they come back,
The parts you best are suited to.
Here's a pretty tale for future Iliads and Odysseys
Mortals are about to personate the gods and goddesses.
Now to set the world in order, we will work in unity.
Jupiter's perplexity is Thespis's opportunity.
Phoebus am I, with golden ray,
The god of day, the god of day.
When shadowy night has held her sway,
I make the goddesses fly.
Tis mine the task to wake the world,
In slumber curled, in slumber curled.
By me her charms are all unfurled
The god of day am I.
The god of day, the god of day,
The park shall our Sparkeion play,
Ha Ha, etc.
The rarest fun and rarest fare
That ever fell to mortal share
Ha ha etc.
I am the moon, the lamp of night.
I show a light -- I show a light.
With radiant sheen I put to flight
The shadows of the sky.
By my fair rays, as you're aware,
Gay lovers swear--gay lovers swear,
While greybeards sleep away their care,
The lamp of night am I.
The lamp of night-the lamp of night.
Nicemis plays, to her delight.
Ha Ha Ha Ha.
The rarest fun and rarest fare,
That ever fell to mortal share,
Ha Ha Ha Ha
Mighty old Mars, the god of war,
I'm destined for--I'm destined for.
A terribly famous conqueror,
With sword upon his thigh.
When armies meet with eager shout
And warlike rout, and warlike rout,
You'll find me there without a doubt.
The God of War am I.
The god of war, the god of war
Great Timidon is destined for.
Ha Ha Ha Ha
The rest fun and rarest fare
That ever fell to mortal share
Ha Ha Ha Ha
When, as the fruit of warlike deeds,
The soldier bleed, the soldier bleeds,
Calliope crowns heroic deeds,
With immortality.
From mere oblivion I reclaim
The soldier's name, the soldier's name
And write it on the roll of fame,
The muse of fame am I.
The muse of fame, the muse of fame.
Callipe is Daphne's name.
Ha Ha Ha Ha
The rarest fun and rarest fare,
That ever fell to mortal share.
Ha Ha Ha Ha.
Here's a pretty tale.
[Enter procession of old Gods, they come down very much
astonished at all they see, then passing by, ascent the platform
that leads to the descent at the back.]
We will go,
Down below,
Revels rare,
We will share.
Ha Ha Ha
With a gay
Holiday
All unknown,
And alone
Ha Ha Ha.
Here's a pretty tale.
[The gods, including those who have lately entered in procession
group themselves on rising ground at back. The Thespians kneeling
bid them farewell.]
of the ruins that filled the foreground of the stage, the
interior of a magnificent temple is seen showing the background
of the scene of Act I, through the columns of the portico at the
back. High throne. L.U.E. Low seats below it. All the substitute
gods and goddesses [that is to say, Thespians] are discovered
grouped in picturesque attitudes about the stage, eating and
drinking, and smoking and singing the following verses.
Of all symposia
The best by half
Upon Olympus, here await us.
We eat ambrosia.
And nectar quaff,
It cheers but don't inebriate us.
We know the fallacies,
Of human food
So please to pass Olympian rosy,
We built up palaces,
Where ruins stood,
And find them much more snug and cosy.
To work and think, my dear,
Up here would be,
The height of conscientious folly.
So eat and drink, my dear,
I like to see,
Young people gay--young people jolly.
Olympian food my love,
I'll lay long odds,
Will please your lips--those rosy portals,
What is the good, my love
Of being gods,
If we must work like common mortals?
Of all symposia...etc.
[Exeunt all but Nicemis, who is dressed as Diana and Pretteia,
who is dressed as Venus. They take Sillimon's arm and bring him
down]
Bless their little hearts, I can refuse them nothing. As
the Olympian stage-manager I ought to be strict with them and
make them do their duty, but i can't. Bless their little hearts,
when I see the pretty little craft come sailing up to me with a
wheedling smile on their pretty little figure-heads, I can't turn
my back on 'em. I'm all bow, though I'm sure I try to be stern.
You certainly are a dear old thing.
She says I'm a dear old thing. Deputy Venus says I'm a
dear old thing.
It's her affectionate habit to describe everybody in those
terms. I am more particular, but still even I am bound to admit
that you are certainly a very dear old thing.
Deputy Venus says I'm a dear old thing, and Deputy Diana
who is much more particular, endorses it. Who could be severe
with such deputy divinities.
Do you know, I'm going to ask you a favour.
Venus is going to ask me a favour.
You see, I am Venus.
No one who saw your face would doubt it.
[aside] No one who knew her character would.
Well Venus, you know, is married to Mars.
To Vulcan, my dear, to Vulcan. The exact connubial relation
of the different gods and goddesses is a point on which we must
be extremely particular.
I beg your pardon--Venus is married to Mars.
If she isn't married to Mars, she ought to be.
Then that decides it--call it married to Mars.
Married to Vulcan or married to Mars, what does it signify?
My dear, it's a matter on which I have no personal feeling
whatever.
So that she is married to someone.
Exactly. So that she is married to someone. Call it married
to Mars.
Now here's my difficulty. Presumptios takes the place of
Mars, and Presumptios is my father.
Then why object to Vulcan?
Because Vulcan is my grandfather.
But, my dear, what an objection. You are playing a part
till the real gods return. That's all. Whether you are supposed
to be married to your father--or your grandfather, what does it
matter? This passion for realism is the curse of the stage.
That's all very well, but I can't throw myself into a part
that has already lasted a twelvemonth, when I have to make love
to my father. It interferes with my conception of the
characters. It spoils the part.
Well, well. I'll see what can be done. [Exit Pretteia,
L.U.E.) That's always the way with beginners, they've no
imaginative power. A true artist ought to be superior to such
considerations. [Nicemis comes down R.] Well, Nicemis, I should
say, Diana, what's wrong with you? Don't you like your part?
Oh, immensely. It's great fun.
Don't you find it lonely out by yourself all night?
Oh, but I'm not alone all night.
But, I don't want to ask any injudicious questions, but who
accompanies you?
Who? Why Sparkeion, of course.
Sparkeion? Well, but Sparkeion is Phoebus Apollo [enter
Sparkeion] He's the sun, you know.
Of course he is. I should catch my death of cold, in the
night air, if he didn't accompany me.
My dear Sillimon, it would never do for a young lady to be
out alone all night. It wouldn't be respectable.
There's a good deal of truth in that. But still--the sun--
at night--I don't like the idea. The original Diana always went
out alone.
I hope the original Diana is no rule for me. After all,
what does it matter?
To be sure--what does it matter?
The sun at night, or in the daytime.
So that he shines. That's all that's necessary. [Exit
Nicemis, R.U.E.] But poor Daphne, what will she say to this.
Oh, Daphne can console herself; young ladies soon get over
this sort of thing. Did you never hear of the young lady who was
engaged to Cousin Robin?
Never.
Then I'll sing it to you.
Little maid of Arcadee
Sat on Cousin Robin's knee,
Thought in form and face and limb,
Nobody could rival him.
He was brave and she was fair,
Truth they made a pretty paid.
Happy little maiden she--
Happy maid of Arcadee.
Moments fled as moments will
Happily enough, until
After, say, a month or two,
Robin did as Robins do.
Weary of his lover's play,
Jilted her and went away,
Wretched little maiden, she--
Wretched maid of Arcadee.
To her little home she crept,
There she sat her down and wept,
Maiden wept as maidens will--
Grew so thin and pale--until
Cousin Richard came to woo.
Then again the roses grew.
Happy little maiden she--
Happy maid of Arcadee. [Exit Sparkeion]
Well Mercury, my boy, you've had a year's experience of us
here. How do we do it? I think we're rather an improvement on the
original gods--don't you?
Well, you see, there's a good deal to be said on both sides
of the question; you are certainly younger than the original
gods, and, therefore, more active. On the other hand, they are
certainly older than you, and have, therefore, more experience.
On the whole I prefer you, because your mistakes amuse me.
Olympus is now in a terrible muddle,
The deputy deities all are at fault
They splutter and splash like a pig in a puddle
And dickens a one of 'em's earning his salt.
For Thespis as Jove is a terrible blunder,
Too nervous and timid--too easy and weak--
Whenever he's called on to lighten or thunder,
The thought of it keeps him awake for a week.
Then mighty Mars hasn't the pluck of a parrot.
When left in the dark he will quiver and quail;
And Vulcan has arms that would snap like a carrot,
Before he could drive in a tenpenny nail.
Then Venus's freckles are very repelling,
And Venus should not have a quint in her eyes;
The learned Minerva is weak in her spelling,
And scatters her h's all over the skies.
Then Pluto in kindhearted tenderness erring,
Can't make up his mind to let anyone die--
The Times has a paragraph ever recurring,
"Remarkable incidence of longevity."
On some it has some as a serious onus,
to others it's quite an advantage--in short,
While ev're life office declares a big bonus,
The poor undertakers are all in the court.
Then Cupid, the rascal, forgetting his trade is
To make men and women impartially smart,
Will only shoot at pretty young ladies,
And never takes aim at a bachelor's heart.
The results of this freak--or whatever you term it--
Should cover the wicked young scamp with disgrace,
While ev'ry young man is as shy as a hermit,
Young ladies are popping all over the place.
This wouldn't much matter--for bashful and shymen,
When skillfully handled are certain to fall,
But, alas, that determined young bachelor Hymen
Refuses to wed anybody at all.
He swears that Love's flame is the vilest of arsons,
And looks upon marriage as quite a mistake;
Now what in the world's to become of the parsons,
And what of the artist who sugars the cake?
In short, you will see from the facts that I'm showing,
The state of the case is exceedingly sad;
If Thespis's people go on as they're going,
Olympus will certainly go to the bad.
From Jupiter downward there isn't a dab in it,
All of 'em quibble and shuffle and shirk,
A premier in Downing Street forming a cabinet,
Couldn't find people less fit for their work.
[enter Thespis L.U.E.]
Sillimon, you can retire.
Sir, I--
Don't pretend you can't when I say you can. I've seen you
do it--go. [exit Sillimon bowing extravagantly. Thespis imitates
him]Well, Mercury, I've been in power one year today.
One year today. How do you like ruling the world?
Like it. Why it's as straightforward as possible. Why
there hasn't been a hitch of any kind since we came up here. Lor'
the airs you gods and goddesses give yourselves are perfectly
sickening. Why it's mere child's play.
Very simple isn't it?
Simple? Why I could do it on my head.
Ah--I darsay you will do it on your head very soon.
What do you mean by that, Mercury?
I mean that when you've turned the world quite topsy-turvy
you won't know whether you're standing on your head or your
heels.
Well, but Mercury, it's all right at present.
Oh yes--as far as we know.
Well, but, you know, we know as much as anybody knows; you
know I believe the world's still going on.
Yes--as far as we can judge--much as usual.
Well, the, give the Father of the Drama his due Mercury.
Don't be envious of the Father of the Drama.
But you see you leave so much to accident.
Well, Mercury, if I do, it's my principle. I am an easy
man, and I like to make things as pleasant as possible. What did
I do the day we took office? Why I called the company together
and I said to them: "Here we are, you know, gods and goddesses,
no mistake about it, the real thing. Well, we have certain duties
to discharge, let's discharge them intelligently. Don't let us be
hampered by routine and red tape and precedent, let's set the
original gods an example, and put a liberal interpretation on our
duties. If it occurs to any one to try an experiment in his own
department, let him try it, if he fails there's no harm done, if
he succeeds it is a distinct gain to society. Don't hurry your
work, do it slowly and well." And here we are after a twelvemonth
and not a single complaint or a single petition has reached me.
No, not yet.
What do you mean by "no,not yet?"
Well, you see, you don't understand things. All the
petitions that are addressed by men to Jupiter pass through my
hands, and its my duty to collect them and present them once a
year.
Oh, only once a year?
Only once a year--
And the year is up?
Today.
Oh, then I suppose there are some complaints?
Yes, there are some.
[Disturbed] Oh, perhaps there are a good many?
There are a good many.
Oh, perhaps there are a thundering lot?
There are a thundering lot.
[very much disturbed] Oh.
You see you've been taking it so very easy--and so have most
of your company.
Oh, who has been taking it easy?
Well, all except those who have been trying experiments.
Well but I suppose the experiment are ingenious?
Yes; they are ingenious, but on the whole ill-judged. But
it's time go and summon your court.
What for.
To hear the complaints. In five minutes they will be here.
[Exit]
[very uneasy] I don't know how it is, but there is
something in that young man's manner that suggests that the
father of the gods has been taking it too easy. Perhaps it would
have been better if I hadn't given my company so much scope. I
wonder what they've been doing. I think I will curtail their
discretion, though none of them appear to have much of the
article. It seems a pity to deprive 'em of what little they
have.
[Enter Daphne, weeping]
Now then, Daphne, what's the matter with you?
Well, you know how disgracefully Sparkeion--
[correcting her] Apollo--
Apollo, then--has treated me. He promised to marry me years
ago and now he's married to Nicemis.
Now look here. I can't go into that. You're in Olympus now
and must behave accordingly. Drop your Daphne--assume your
Calliope.
Quite so. That's it. [mysteriously]
Oh--that is it? [puzzled]
That is it. Thespis. I am Calliope, the muse of fame.
Very good. This morning I was in the Olympian library and I took
down the only book there. Here it is.
[taking it] Lempriere's Classical Dictionary. The Olympian
Peerage.
Open it at Apollo.
[opens it] It is done.
Read.
"Apollo was several times married, among others to Issa,
Bolina, Coronis, Chymene, Cyrene, Chione, Acacallis, and
Calliope."
And Calliope.
[musing] Ha. I didn't know he was married to them.
[severely] Sir. This is the family edition.
Quite so.
You couldn't expect a lady to read any other?
On no consideration. But in the original version--
I go by the family edition.
Then by the family edition, Apollo is your husband.
[Enter Nicemis and Sparkeion]
Apollo your husband? He is my husband.
I beg your pardon. He is my husband.
Apollo is Sparkeion, and he's married to me.
Sparkeion is Apollo, and he's married to me.
He is my husband.
He's your brother.
Look here, Apollo, whose husband are you? Don't let's have
any row about it; whose husband are you?
Upon my honor I don't know. I'm in a very delicate
position, but I'll fall in with any arrangement Thespis may
propose.
I've just found out that he's my husband and yet he goes
out every evening with that "thing."
Perhaps he's trying an experiment.
I don't like my husband to make such experiments. The
question is, who are we all and what is our relation to each
other.
You're Diana. I'm Apollo
And Calliope is she.
He's your brother.
You're another. He has fairly married me.
By the rules of this fair spot
I'm his wife and you are not.
By the rules of this fair spot
I'm/she's his wife and you are not.
By this golden wedding ring,
I'm his wife, and you're a "thing."
By this golden wedding ring,
I'm/She's his wife and you're a "thing."
Please will someone kindly tell us.
Who are our respective kin?
All of us/them are very jealous
Neither of us/them will give in.
He's my husband, I declare,
I espoused him properlee.
That is true, for I was there,
And I saw her marry me.
He's your brother--I'm his wife.
If we go by Lempriere.
So she is, upon my life.
Really, that seems very fair.
You're my husband and no other.
That is true enough I swear.
I'm his wife, and you're his brother.
If we go by Lempriere.
It will surely be unfair,
To decide by Lempriere. [crying]
It will surely be quite fair,
To decide by Lempriere.
& THES How you settle it I don't care,
Leave it all to Lempriere.
[Spoken] The Verdict
As Sparkeion is Apollo,
Up in this Olympian clime,
Why, Nicemis, it will follow,
He's her husband, for the time. [indicating Daphne]
When Sparkeion turns to mortal
Join once more the sons of men.
He may take you to his portal [indicating Nicemis]
He will be your husband then.
That oh that is my decision,
'Cording to my mental vision,
Put an end to all collision,
My decision, my decision.
That oh that is his decision. etc.
[Exeunt Thes, Nice., Spar and Daphne, Spar. with Daphne, Nicemis
weeping with Thespis. mysterious music. Enter Jupiter, Apollo
and Mars from below, at the back of stage. All wear cloaks, as
disguise and all are masked]
, MARS. Oh rage and fury, Oh shame and sorrow.
We'll be resuming our ranks tomorrow.
Since from Olympus we have departed,
We've been distracted and brokenhearted,
Oh wicked Thespis. Oh villain scurvy.
Through him Olympus is topsy turvy.
Compelled to silence to grin and bear it.
He's caused our sorrow, and he shall share it.
Where is the monster. Avenge his blunders.
He has awakened Olympian thunders.
[Enter Mercury]
Oh monster.
Oh monster.
Oh monster.
[in great terror] Please sir, what have I done, sir?
What did we leave you behind for?
Please sir, that's the question I asked for when you went
away.
Was it not that Thespis might consult you whenever he was in
a difficulty?
Well, here I've been ready to be consulted, chockful of
reliable information--running over with celestial maxims--advice
gratis ten to four--after twelve ring the night bell in cases of
emergency.
And hasn't he consulted you?
Not he--he disagrees with me about everything.
He must have misunderstood me. I told him to consult you
whenever he was in a fix.
He must have though you said in-sult. Why whenever I opened
my mouth he jumps down my throat. It isn't pleasant to have a
fellow constantly jumping down your throat--especially when he
always disagrees with you. It's just the sort of thing I can't
digest.
[in a rage] Send him here. I'll talk to him.
[enter Thespis. He is much terrified]
Oh monster.
Oh monster.
Oh monster.
[Thespis sings in great terror, which he endeavours to conceal]
Well sir, the year is up today.
And a nice mess you've made of it.
You've deranged the whole scheme of society.
[aside] There's going to be a row. [aloud and very
familiarly]My dear boy, I do assure you--
Be respectful.
Be respectful.
Be respectful.
I don't know what you allude to. With the exception of
getting our scene painter to "run up" this temple, because we
found the ruins draughty, we haven't touched a thing.
Oh story teller.
Oh story teller.
Oh story teller.
[Enter thespians]
My dear fellows, you're distressing yourselves
unnecessarily. The court of Olympus is about to assemble to
listen to the complaints of the year, if any. But there are
none, or next to none. Let the Olympians assemble. [Thespis
takes chair. JUP., AP., and MARS sit below him.
Ladies and gentlemen, it seems that it is usual for the gods to
assemble once a year to listen to mortal petitions. It doesn't
seem to me to be a good plan, as work is liable to accumulate;
but as I am particularly anxious not to interfere with Olympian
precedent, but to allow everything to go on as it has always been
accustomed to go--why, we'll say no more about it. [aside] But
how shall I account for your presence?
Say we are the gentlemen of the press.
That all our proceedings may be perfectly open and above-
board I have communicated with the most influential members of
the Athenian press, and I beg to introduce to your notice three
of its most distinguished members. They bear marks emblematic of
the anonymous character of modern journalism. [Business of
introduction. Thespis is very uneasy] Now then, if you're all
ready we will begin.
[brings tremendous bundle of petitions] Here is the agenda.
What's that? The petitions?
Some of them. [opens one and reads] Ah, I thought there'd be
a row about it.
Why, what's wrong now?
Why, it's been a foggy Friday in November for the last six
months and the Athenians are tired of it.
There's no pleasing some people. This craving for perpetual
change is the curse of the country. Friday's a very nice day.
So it is, but a Friday six months long.--it gets monotonous.
[rising] It's perfectly ridiculous.
[calling them] Cymon.
[as time with the usual attributes] Sir.
[Introducing him to the three gods] Allow me--Father Time--
rather young at present but even time must have a beginning. In
course of time, time will grow older. Now then, Father Time,
what's this about a wet Friday in November for the last six
months.
Well, the fact is, I've been trying an experiment. Seven
days in the week is an awkward number. It can't be halved. Two;'s
into seven won't go.
[tries it on his fingers] Quite so--quite so.
So I abolished Saturday.
Oh but. [Rising]
Do be quiet. He's a very intelligent young man and knows
what he is about. So you abolished Saturday. And how did you find
it answer?
Admirably.
You hear? He found it answer admirably.
Yes, only Sunday refused to take its place.
Sunday refused to take its place?
Sunday comes after Saturday--Sunday won't go on duty after
Friday. Sunday's principles are very strict. That's where my
experiment sticks.
Well, but why November? Come, why November?
December can't begin until November has finished. November
can't finish because he's abolished Saturday. There again my
experiment sticks.
Well, but why wet? Come now, why wet?
Ah, that is your fault. You turned on the rain six months
ago and you forgot to turn it off again.
, MARS. [rising] On this is monstrous.
Order. Order.
Gentlemen, pray be seated. [to the others] The liberty of
the press, one can't help it. [to the three gods] It is easily
settled. Athens has had a wet Friday in November for the last six
months. Let them have a blazing Tuesday in July for the next
twelve.
, MARS. But--
Order. Order.
Now then, the next article.
Here's a petition from the Peace Society. They complain
because there are no more battles.
[springing up] What.
Quiet there. Good dog--soho; Timidon.
[as Mars] Here.
What's this about there being no battles?
I've abolished battles; it's an experiment.
[spring up] Oh come, I say--
Quiet then. [to Tim] Abolished battles?
Yes, you told us on taking office to remember two things. To
try experiments and to take it easy. I found I couldn't take it
easy while there are any battles to attend to, so I tried the
experiment and abolished battles. And then I took it easy. The
Peace Society ought to be very much obliged to me.
Obliged to you. Why, confound it. Since battles have been
abolished, war is universal.
War is universal?
To b sure it is. Now that nations can't fight, no two of
'em are on speaking terms. The dread of fighting was the only
thing that kept them civil to each other. Let battles be
restored and peace reign supreme.
Here's a petition from the associated wine merchants of
Mytilene? Are there no grapes this year?
Well, what's wrong with the associated wine merchants of
Mytilene? Are there no grapes this year?
Plenty of grapes. More than usual.
[to the gods] You observe, there is no deception. There are
more than usual.
There are plenty of grapes, only they are full of ginger
beer.
Oh, come I say [rising they are put down by Thespis.]
Eh? what [much alarmed] Bacchus.
[as Bacchus] Here.
There seems to be something unusual with the grapes of
Mytilene. They only grow ginger beer.
And a very good thing too.
It's very nice in its way but it is not what one looks for
from grapes.
Beloved master, a week before we came up here, you insisted
on my taking the pledge. By so doing you rescued me from my
otherwise inevitable misery. I cannot express my thanks. Embrace
me. [attempts to embrace him.]
Get out, don't be a fool. Look here, you know you're the
god of wine.
I am.
[very angry] Well, do you consider it consistent with your
duty as the god of wine to make the grapes yield nothing but
ginger beer?
Do you consider it consistent with my duty as a total
abstainer to grow anything stronger than ginger beer?
But your duty as the god of wine--
In every respect in which my duty as the god of wine can be
discharged consistently with my duty as a total abstainer, I will
discharge it. But when the functions clash, everything must give
way to the pledge. My preserver. [Attempts to embrace him]
Don't be a confounded fool. This can be arranged. We can't
give over the wine this year, but at least we can improve the
ginger beer. Let all the ginger beer be extracted from it
immediately.
We can't stand this,
We can't stand this.
It's much too strong.
We can't stand this.
It would be wrong.
Extremely wrong.
If we stood this.
If we stand this
If we stand this
We can't stand this.
Great Jove, this interference.
Is more than we can stand;
Of them make a clearance,
With your majestic hand.
This cool audacity, it beats us hollow.
I'm Jupiter.
I'm Mars.
I'm Apollo.
[Enter Diana and all the other gods and goddesses.
[kneeling with their foreheads on the ground]
Jupiter, Mars, and Apollo
Have quitted the dwellings of men;
The other gods quickly will follow.
And what will become of us then.
Oh pardon us, Jove and Apollo,
Pardon us, Jupiter, Mars:
Oh see us in misery wallow.
Cursing our terrible stars.
[enter other gods.]
Let us remain, we beg of you pleadingly.
Let them remain, they beg of us pleadingly.
Life on Olympus suits us exceedingly.
Life on Olympus suits them exceedingly.
Let us remain, we pray in humility.
Let 'em remain, they pray in humility.
If we have shown some little ability.
If they have shown some little ability.
Let us remain, etc...
Enough, your reign is ended.
Upon this sacred hill.
Let him be apprehended
And learn out awful will.
Away to earth, contemptible comedians,
And hear our curse, before we set you free'
You shall be all be eminent tragedians,
Whom no one ever goes to see.
We go to earth, contemptible tragedians,
We hear his curse, before he sets us free,
We shall all be eminent tragedians,
Whom no one ever, ever goes to see.
Whom no one
Ever goes to see.
[The thespians are driven away by the gods, who group themselves
in attitudes of triumph.]
Now, here you see the arrant folly
Of doing your best to make things jolly.
I've ruled the world like a chap in his senses,
Observe the terrible consequences.
Great Jupiter, whom nothing pleases,
Splutters and swears, and kicks up breezes,
And sends us home in a mood avengin'
In double quick time, like a railroad engine.
And this he does without compunction,
Because I have discharged with unction
A highly complicated function
Complying with his own injunction,
Fol, lol, lay
All this he does....etc.
[The gods drive the thespians away. The thespians prepare to
descent the mountain as the curtain falls.
Libretto by W. S. Gilbert
Music by Sir Arthur Sullivan
First produced at the Royalty Theatre, London, March 25, 1875
- A Court of Justice, Barristers, Attorney, and Jurymen
discovered.
Hark, the hour of ten is sounding:
Hearts with anxious fears are bounding,
Hall of Justice, crowds surrounding,
Breathing hope and fear--
For to-day in this arena,
Summoned by a stern subpoena,
Edwin, sued by Angelina,
Shortly will appear.
Enter Usher
Now, Jurymen, hear my advice--
All kinds of vulgar prejudice
I pray you set aside:
With stern, judicial frame of mind
From bias free of every kind,
This trial must be tried.
From bias free of every kind,
This trial must be tried.
[During Chorus, Usher sings fortissimo, "Silence in Court!"]
Oh, listen to the plaintiff's case:
Observe the features of her face--
The broken-hearted bride.
Condole with her distress of mind:
From bias free of every kind,
This trial must be tried!
From bias free, etc.
And when, amid the plaintiff's shrieks,
The ruffianly defendant speaks--
Upon the other side;
What he may say you needn't mind---
From bias free of every kind,
This trial must be tried!
From bias free, etc.
Enter Defendant
Is this the court of the Exchequer?
It is!
(aside) Be firm, be firm, my pecker,
Your evil star's in the ascendant!
Who are you?
I'm the Defendant.
CHORUS OF JURYMEN (shaking their fists)
Monster, dread our damages.
We're the jury!
Dread our fury!
Hear me, hear me, if you please,
These are very strange proceedings--
For permit me to remark
On the merits of my pleadings,
You're at present in the dark.
[Defendant beckons to Jurymen--they leave the box and gather around
him as they sing the following:
That's a very true remark--
On the merits of his pleadings
We're at present in the dark!
Ha! ha!--ha! ha!
When first my old, old love I knew,
My bosom welled with joy;
My riches at her feet I threw--
I was a love-sick boy!
No terms seemed too extravagant
Upon her to employ--
I used to mope, and sigh, and pant,
Just like a love-sick boy!
Tink-a-tank! Tink-a-tank!
But joy incessant palls the sense;
And love, unchanged, will cloy,
And she became a bore intense
Unto her love-sick boy!
With fitful glimmer burnt my flame,
And I grew cold and coy,
At last, one morning, I became
Another's love-sick boy.
Tink-a-tank! Tink-a-tank!
CHORUS OF JURYMEN (advancing stealthily)
Oh, I was like that when a lad!
A shocking young scamp of a rover,
I behaved like a regular cad;
But that sort of thing is all over.
I'm now a respectable chap
And shine with a virtue resplendent
And, therefore, I haven't a scrap
Of sympathy with the defendant!
He shall treat us with awe,
If there isn't a flaw,
Singing so merrily--Trial-la-law!
Trial-la-law! Trial-la-law!
Singing so merrily--Trial-la-law!
[They enter the Jury-box.
Silence in Court, and all attention lend.
Behold your Judge! In due submission bend!
Enter Judge on Bench
All hail, great Judge!
To your bright rays
We never grudge
Ecstatic praise.
All hail!
May each decree
As statute rank
And never be
Reversed in banc.
All hail!
For these kind words, accept my thanks, I pray.
A Breach of Promise we've to try to-day.
But firstly, if the time you'll not begrudge,
I'll tell you how I came to be a Judge.
He'll tell us how he came to be a Judge!
I'll tell you how...
He'll tell us how...
I'll tell you how...
He'll tell us how...
Let me speak...!
Let him speak!
Let me speak!
(in a whisper). Let him speak!
He'll tell us how he came to be a Judge!
Silence in Court! Silence in Court!
When I, good friends, was called to the bar,
I'd an appetite fresh and hearty.
But I was, as many young barristers are,
An impecunious party.
I'd a swallow-tail coat of a beautiful blue--
And a brief which I bought of a booby--
A couple of shirts, and a collar or two,
And a ring that looked like a ruby!
A couple of shirts, etc.
At Westminster Hall I danced a dance,
Like a semi-despondent fury;
For I thought I never should hit on a chance
Of addressing a British Jury--
But I soon got tired of third-class journeys,
And dinners of bread and water;
So I fell in love with a rich attorney's
Elderly, ugly daughter.
So he fell in love, etc.
The rich attorney, he jumped with joy,
And replied to my fond professions:
"You shall reap the reward of your pluck, my boy,
At the Bailey and Middlesex sessions.
You'll soon get used to her looks," said he,
"And a very nice girl you will find her!
She may very well pass for forty-three
In the dusk, with a light behind her!"
She may very well, etc.
The rich attorney was good as his word;
The briefs came trooping gaily,
And every day my voice was heard
At the Sessions or Ancient Bailey.
All thieves who could my fees afford
Relied on my orations.
And many a burglar I've restored
To his friends and his relations.
And many a burglar, etc.
At length I became as rich as the Gurneys--
An incubus then I thought her,
So I threw over that rich attorney's
Elderly, ugly daughter.
The rich attorney my character high
Tried vainly to disparage---
And now, if you please, I'm ready to try
This Breach of Promise of Marriage!
And now if you please, etc.
For now I'm a Judge!
And a good Judge, too!
For now I'm a Judge!
And a good Judge, too!
Though all my law be fudge,
Yet I'll never, never budge,
But I'll live and die a Judge!
And a good Judge, too!
(pianissimo). It was managed by a job--
And a good job, too!
It was managed by a job!
And a good job too!
It is patent to the mob,
That my being made a nob
Was effected by a job.
And a good job too!
[Enter Counsel for Plaintiff. He takes his place in front row of
Counsel's seats
Swear thou the jury!
Kneel, Jurymen, oh, kneel!
[All the Jury kneel in the Jury-box, and so are hidden from
audience.
Oh, will you swear by yonder skies,
Whatever question may arise,
'Twixt rich and poor, 'twixt low and high,
That you will well and truly try?
(raising their hands, which alone are visible)
To all of this we make reply
By the dull slate of yonder sky:
That we will well and truly try.
We'll try.
(All rise with the last note)
Where is the Plaintiff?
Let her now be brought.
Oh, Angelina! Come thou into Court!
Angelina! Angelina!
Enter the Bridesmaids
Comes the broken flower--
Comes the cheated maid--
Though the tempest lower,
Rain and cloud will fade
Take, oh maid, these posies:
Though thy beauty rare
Shame the blushing roses,
They are passing fair!
Wear the flowers 'til they fade;
Happy be thy life, oh maid!
[The Judge, having taken a great fancy to First Bridesmaid, sends
her a note by Usher, which she reads, kisses rapturously,
and places in her bosom.
Enter Plaintiff
O'er the season vernal,
Time may cast a shade;
Sunshine, if eternal,
Makes the roses fade!
Time may do his duty;
Let the thief alone--
Winter hath a beauty.
That is all his own.
Fairest days are sun and shade:
I am no unhappy maid!
[The Judge having by this time transferred his admiration to
Plaintiff, directs the Usher to take the note from First
Bridesmaid and hand it to Plaintiff, who reads it,
kisses it rapturously, and places it in her bosom.
Comes the broken flower, etc.
Oh, never, never, never,
Since I joined the human race,
Saw I so excellently fair a face.
(shaking their forefingers at him) Ah, sly dog!
Ah, sly dog!
(to Jury). How say you?
Is she not designed for capture?
(after consulting with the Jury). We've but one word,
m'lud, and that is--Rapture!
(curtseying). Your kindness, gentlemen, quite
overpowers!
We love you fondly, and would make you ours!
(shaking their forefingers at Jury).
Ah, sly dogs! Ah, sly dogs!
May it please you, m'lud!
Gentlemen of the jury!
-- COUNSEL
With a sense of deep emotion,
I approach this painful case;
For I never had a notion
That a man could be so base,
Or deceive a girl confiding,
Vows, etcetera deriding.
He deceived a girl confiding,
Vows, etcetera, deriding.
[Plaintiff falls sobbing on Counsel's breast and remains there.
See my interesting client,
Victim of a heartless wile!
See the traitor all defiant
Wear a supercilious smile!
Sweetly smiled my client on him,
Coyly woo'd and gently won him.
Sweetly smiled, etc.
Swiftly fled each honeyed hour
Spent with this unmanly male!
Sommerville became a bow'r,
Alston an Arcadian Vale,
Breathing concentrated otto!--
An existence la Watteau.
Bless, us, concentrated otto! etc.
Picture, then, my client naming,
And insisting on the day:
Picture him excuses framing--
Going from her far away;
Doubly criminal to do so,
For the maid had bought her trousseau!
Doubly criminal, etc.
Cheer up, my pretty--oh, cheer up!
Cheer up, cheer up, we love you!
[Counsel leads Plaintiff fondly into Witness-box; he takes a tender
leave of her, and resumes his place in Court.
(Plaintiff reels as if about to faint)
That she is reeling
Is plain to see!
If faint you're feeling
Recline on me!
[She falls sobbing on to the Foreman's breast.
(feebly) I shall recover
If left alone.
(shaking their fists at Defendant)
Oh, perjured lover,
Atone! atone!
Just like a father [Kissing her
I wish to be.
(approaching her)
Or, if you'd rather,
Recline on me!
[She jumps on to Bench, sits down by the Judge, and falls sobbing
on his breast.
Oh! fetch some water
From far Cologne!
For this sad slaughter
Atone! atone!
(shaking fists at Defendant)
Monster, monster, dread our fury--
There's the Judge, and we're the Jury!
Come! Substantial damages,
Dam---
Silence in Court!
Oh, gentlemen, listen, I pray,
Though I own that my heart has been ranging,
Of nature the laws I obey,
For nature is constantly changing.
The moon in her phases is found,
The time, and the wind, and the weather.
The months in succession come round,
And you don't find two Mondays together.
Consider the moral, I pray,
Nor bring a young fellow to sorrow,
Who loves this young lady to-day,
And loves that young lady to-morrow.
(rushing forward, and kneeling to Jury).
Consider the moral, etc.
One cannot eat breakfast all day,
Nor is it the act of a sinner,
When breakfast is taken away,
To turn his attention to dinner.
And it's not in the range of belief,
To look upon him as a glutton,
Who, when he is tired of beef,
Determines to tackle the mutton.
But this I am willing to say,
If it will appease her sorrow,
I'll marry this lady to-day,
And I'll marry the other to-morrow.
(rushing forward as before)
But this he is willing say, etc.
That seems a reasonable proposition,
To which, I think, your client may agree.
But I submit, m'lud, with all submission,
To marry two at once is Burglaree!
[Referring to law book.
In the reign of James the Second,
It was generally reckoned
As a rather serious crime
To marry two wives at a time.
[Hands book up to Judge, who reads it.
Oh, man of learning!
A nice dilemma we have here,
That calls for all our wit:
And at this stage, it don't appear
That we can settle it.
(in Witness-box).
If I to wed the girl am loth
A breach 'twill surely be--
And if he goes and marries both,
It counts as Burglaree!
A nice dilemma we have here,
That calls for all our wit.
I love him--I love him--with fervour unceasing
I worship and madly adore;
My blind adoration is ever increasing,
My loss I shall ever deplore.
Oh, see what a blessing, what love and caressing
I've lost, and remember it, pray,
When you I'm addressing, are busy assessing
The damages Edwin must pay---
Yes, he must pay!
DEFENDANT (repelling her furiously)
I smoke like a furnace--I'm always in liquor,
A ruffian--a bully--a sot;
I'm sure I should thrash her, perhaps I should kick her,
I am such a very bad lot!
I'm not prepossessing, as you may be guessing,
She couldn't endure me a day!
Recall my professing, when you are assessing
The damages Edwin must pay!
Yes, he must pay!
[She clings to him passionately; after a struggle, he throws her
off into arms of Counsel.
We would be fairly acting,
But this is most distracting!
If, when in liquor he would kick her,
That is an abatement.
The question, gentlemen--is one of liquor.
You ask for guidance--this is my reply:
He says, when tipsy, he would thrash and kick her.
Let's make him tipsy, gentlemen, and try!
With all respect,
I do object!
I do object!
I don't object!
With all respect
We do object!
JUDGE (tossing his books and paper about)
All the legal furies seize you!
No proposal seems to please you,
I can't sit up here all day,
I must shortly get away.
Barristers, and you, attorneys,
Set out on your homeward journeys;
Gentle, simple-minded Usher,
Get you, if you like, to Russher;
Put your briefs upon the shelf,
I will marry her myself!
[He comes down from Bench to floor of Court. He embraces
Angelina.
Oh, joy unbounded,
With wealth surrounded,
The knell is sounded
Of grief and woe.
With love devoted
On you he's doated,
To castle moated
Away they go.
I wonder whether
They'll live together,
In marriage tether
In manner true?
It seems to me, sir,
Of such as she, sir,
A Judge is he, sir,
And a good Judge, too!
Yes, I am a Judge!
And a good Judge, too!
Yes, I am a Judge!
And a good Judge, too!
Though homeward as you trudge,
You declare my law is fudge.
Yet of beauty I'm a judge.
And a good Judge too!
Though defendant is a snob,
And a great snob, too!
Though defendant is a snob,
And a great snob, too!
Though defendant is a snob,
I'll reward him from his fob.
So we've settled with the job,
And a good job, too!
Dance
Libretto by William S. Gilbert
Music by Sir Arthur Sullivan
Sir Marmaduke Pointdextre, an Elderly Baronet
Alexis, of the Grenadier Guards--His Son
Dr. Daly, Vicar of Ploverleigh
John Wellington Wells, of J. W. Wells & Co., Family Sorcerers
Lady Sangazure, a Lady of Ancient Lineage
Aline, Her Daughter--betrothed to Alexis
Mrs. Partlet, a Pew-Opener
Constance, her Daughter
Chorus of Villagers
ACT I--Grounds of Sir Marmaduke's Mansion, Mid-day
(Twelve hours are supposed to elapse between Acts I and II)
ACT II-- Grounds of Sir Marmaduke's Mansion, Midnight
Act I.
Ring forth, ye bells,
With clarion sound--
Forget your knells,
For joys abound.
Forget your notes
Of mournful lay,
And from your throats
Pour joy to-day.
For to-day young Alexis--young Alexis Pointdextre
Is betrothed to Aline--to Aline Sangazure,
And that pride of his sex is--of his sex is to be next her
At the feast on the green--on the green, oh, be sure!
Ring forth, ye bells etc.
(Exeunt the men
into house.)
(Enter Mrs. Partlet with Constance, her daughter)
Constance, my daughter, why this strange depression?
The village rings with seasonable joy,
Because the young and amiable Alexis,
Heir to the great Sir Marmaduke Pointdextre,
Is plighted to Aline, the only daughter
Of Annabella, Lady Sangazure.
You, you alone are sad and out of spirits;
What is the reason? Speak, my daughter, speak!
Oh, mother, do not ask! If my complexion
From red to white should change in quick succession,
And then from white to red, oh, take no notice!
If my poor limbs should tremble with emotion,
Pay no attention, mother--it is nothing!
If long and deep-drawn sighs I chance to utter,
Oh, heed them not, their cause must ne'er be known!
Mrs. Partlet motions to Chorus to leave her with Constance. Exeunt
ladies of Chorus.
ARIA--CONSTANCE
When he is here,
I sigh with pleasure--
When he is gone,
I sigh with grief.
My hopeless fear
No soul can measure--
His love alone
Can give my aching heart relief!
When he is cold,
I weep for sorrow--
When he is kind,
I weep for joy.
My grief untold
Knows no to-morrow--
My woe can find
No hope, no solace, no alloy!
Come, tell me all about it! Do not fear--
I, too, have loved; but that was long ago!
Who is the object of your young affections?
Hush, mother! He is here! (Looking off)
Enter Dr. Daly. He is pensive and does not see them
(amazed) Our reverend vicar!
Oh, pity me, my heart is almost broken!
My child, be comforted. To such an union
I shall not offer any opposition.
Take him--he's yours! May you and he be happy!
But, mother dear, he is not yours to give!
That's true, indeed!
He might object!
He might.
But come--take heart--I'll probe him on the subject.
Be comforted--leave this affair to me.
(They
withdraw.)
The air is charged with amatory numbers--
Soft madrigals, and dreamy lovers' lays.
Peace, peace, old heart! Why waken from its slumbers
The aching memory of the old, old days?
Time was when Love and I were well acquainted.
Time was when we walked ever hand in hand.
A saintly youth, with worldly thought untainted,
None better-loved than I in all the land!
Time was, when maidens of the noblest station,
Forsaking even military men,
Would gaze upon me, rapt in adoration--
Ah me, I was a fair young curate then!
Had I a headache? sighed the maids assembled;
Had I a cold? welled forth the silent tear;
Did I look pale? then half a parish trembled;
And when I coughed all thought the end was near!
I had no care--no jealous doubts hung o'er me--
For I was loved beyond all other men.
Fled gilded dukes and belted earls before me--
Ah me, I was a pale young curate them!
(At the conclusion of the ballad, Mrs. Partlet comes forward with
Constance.)
Good day, reverend sir.
Ah, good Mrs. Partlet, I am glad to see you. And
your little daughter, Constance! Why, she is quite a little
woman, I declare!
(aside) Oh, mother, I cannot speak to him!
Yes, reverend sir, she is nearly eighteen, and as
good a girl as ever stepped. (Aside to Dr. Daly) Ah, sir, I'm
afraid I shall soon lose her!
(aside to Mrs. Partlet) Dear me, you pain me very
much. Is she delicate?
Oh no, sir--I don't mean that--but young girls look
to get married.
Oh, I take you. To be sure. But there's plenty of
time for that. Four or five years hence, Mrs. Partlet, four or
five years hence. But when the time does come, I shall have much
pleasure in marrying her myself--
(aside) Oh, mother!
To some strapping young fellow in her own rank of
life.
(in tears) He does not love me!
I have often wondered, reverend sir (if you'll
excuse the liberty), that you have never married.
(aside) Be still, my fluttering heart!
A clergyman's wife does so much good in a village.
besides that, you are not as young as you were, and before very
long you will want somebody to nurse you, and look after your
little comforts.
Mrs. Partlet, there is much truth in what you say.
I am indeed getting on in years, and a helpmate would cheer my
declining days. Time was when it might have been; but I have
left it too long--I am an old fogy, now, am I not, my dear? (to
Constance)--a very old fogy, indeed. Ha! ha! No, Mrs. Partlet,
my mind is quite made up. I shall live and die a solitary old
bachelor.
Oh, mother, mother! (Sobs on Mrs. Partlet's bosom)
Come, come, dear one, don't fret. At a more
fitting time we will try again--we will try again.
(Exeunt Mrs. Partlet and
Constance.)
(looking after them) Poor little girl! I'm afraid
she has something on her mind. She is rather comely. Time was
when this old heart would have throbbed in double-time at the
sight of such a fairy form! But tush! I am puling! Here comes
the young Alexis with his proud and happy father. Let me dry
this tell-tale tear!
Enter Sir Marmaduke and Alexis
Sir Marmaduke--my dear young friend, Alexis--
On this most happy, most auspicious plighting--
Permit me as a true old friend to tender
My best, my very best congratulations!
Sir, you are most obleeging!
Dr. Daly
My dear old tutor, and my valued pastor,
I thank you from the bottom of my heart!
(Spoken
through music)
May fortune bless you! may the middle distance
Of your young life be pleasant as the foreground--
The joyous foreground! and, when you have reached it,
May that which now is the far-off horizon
(But which will then become the middle distance),
In fruitful promise be exceeded only
By that which will have opened, in the meantime,
Into a new and glorious horizon!
Dear Sir, that is an excellent example
Of an old school of stately compliment
To which I have, through life, been much addicted.
Will you obleege me with a copy of it,
In clerkly manuscript, that I myself
May use it on appropriate occasions?
Sir, you shall have a fairly-written copy
Ere Sol has sunk into his western slumbers!
(Exit
Dr. Daly)
(to Alexis, who is in a reverie) Come, come, my
son--your fiancee will be here in five minutes. Rouse yourself
to receive her.
Oh rapture!
Yes, you are a fortunate young fellow, and I will
not disguise from you that this union with the House of Sangazure
realizes my fondest wishes. Aline is rich, and she comes of a
sufficiently old family, for she is the seven thousand and
thirty-seventh in direct descent from Helen of Troy. True, there
was a blot on the escutcheon of that lady--that affair with
Paris--but where is the family, other than my own, in which there
is no flaw? You are a lucky fellow, sir--a very lucky fellow!
Father, I am welling over with limpid joy! No
sicklying taint of sorrow overlies the lucid lake of liquid love,
upon which, hand in hand, Aline and I are to float into eternity!
Alexis, I desire that of your love for this young
lady you do not speak so openly. You are always singing ballads
in praise of her beauty, and you expect the very menials who wait
behind your chair to chorus your ecstasies. It is not delicate.
Father, a man who loves as I love--
Pooh pooh, sir! fifty years ago I madly loved your
future mother-in-law, the Lady Sangazure, and I have reason to
believe that she returned my love. But were we guilty of the
indelicacy of publicly rushing into each other's arms,
exclaiming--
"Oh, my adored one!" "Beloved boy!"
"Ecstatic rapture!" "Unmingled joy!"
which seems to be the modern fashion of love-making? No! it was
"Madam, I trust you are in the enjoyment of good health"--"Sir,
you are vastly polite, I protest I am mighty well"--and so forth.
Much more delicate--much more respectful. But see--Aline
approaches--let us retire, that she may compose herself for the
interesting ceremony in which she is to play so important a part.
(Exeunt Sir Marmaduke and
Alexis.)
(Enter Aline on terrace, preceded by Chorus of Girls.)
With heart and with voice
Let us welcome this mating:
To the youth of her choice,
With a heart palpitating,
Comes the lovely Aline!
May their love never cloy!
May their bliss me unbounded!
With a halo of joy
May their lives be surrounded!
Heaven bless our Aline!
My kindly friends, I thank you for this greeting
And as you wish me every earthly joy,
I trust your wishes may have quick fulfillment!
Oh, happy young heart!
Comes thy young lord a-wooing
With joy in his eyes,
And pride in his breast--
Make much of thy prize,
For he is the best
That ever came a-suing.
Yet--yet we must part,
Young heart!
Yet--yet we must part!
Oh, merry young heart,
Bright are the days of thy wooing!
But happier far
The days untried--
No sorrow can mar,
When love has tied
The knot there's no undoing.
Then, never to part,
Young heart!
Then, never to part!
Enter Lady Sangazure
My child, I join in these congratulations:
Heed not the tear that dims this aged eye!
Old memories crowd upon me. Though I sorrow,
'Tis for myself, Aline, and not for thee!
Enter Alexis, preceded by Chorus of Men
With heart and with voice
Let us welcome this mating;
To the maid of his choice,
With a heart palpitating,
Comes Alexis, the brave!.
(Sir Marmaduke enters. Lady Sangazure and he exhibit signs of
strong
emotion at the sight of each other which they endeavor to
repress. Alexis and Aline rush into each other's arms.)
Oh, my adored one!
Beloved boy!
Ecstatic rapture!
Unmingled joy!
(They
retire up.)
(with stately courtesy)
Welcome joy, adieu to sadness!
As Aurora gilds the day,
So those eyes, twin orbs of gladness,
Chase the clouds of care away.
Irresistible incentive
Bids me humbly kiss your hand;
I'm your service most attentive--
Most attentive to command!
(Aside with frantic vehemence)
Wild with adoration!
Mad with fascination!
To indulge my lamentation
No occasion do I miss!
Goaded to distraction
By maddening inaction,
I find some satisfaction
In apostophe like this:
"Sangazure immortal,
"Sangazure divine,
"Welcome to my portal,
"Angel, oh be mine!"
(Aloud with much ceremony)
Irresistible incentive
Bids me humbly kiss your hand;
I'm your servant most attentive--
Most attentive to command!
Sir, I thank you most politely
For your grateful courtesee;
Compliment more true and knightly
Never yet was paid to me!
Chivalry is an ingredient
Sadly lacking in our land--
Sir, I am your most obedient,
Most obedient to command!
(Aside and with great vehemence)
Wild with adoration!
Mad with fascination!
To indulge my lamentation
No occasion do I miss!
Goaded to distraction
By maddening inaction,
I find some satisfaction
In apostophe like this:
"Marmaduke immortal,
"Marmaduke divine,
"Take me to thy portal,
"Loved one, oh be mine!"
(Aloud with much ceremony)
Chivalry is an ingredient
Sadly lacking in our land;
Sir, I am your most obedient,
Most obedient to command!
(During this the Notary has entered, with marriage contract.)
All is prepared for sealing and for signing,
The contract has been drafted as agreed;
Approach the table, oh, ye lovers pining,
With hand and seal come execute the deed!
(Alexis and Aline advance and sign, Alexis supported by Sir
Marmaduke,
Aline by her Mother.)
See they sign, without a quiver, it--
Then to seal proceed.
They deliver it--they deliver it
As their Act and Deed!
I deliver it--I deliver it
As my Act and Deed!.
I deliver it--I deliver it.
As my Act and Deed!
With heart and with voice
Let us welcome this mating;
Leave them here to rejoice,
With true love palpitating,
Alexis the brave,
And the lovely Aline!
(Exeunt all but Alexis
and Aline.)
At last we are alone! My darling, you are now
irrevocably betrothed to me. Are you not very, very happy?
Oh, Alexis, can you doubt it? Do I not love you
beyond all on earth, and am I not beloved in return? Is not true
love, faithfully given and faithfully returned, the source of
every earthly joy?
Of that there can be no doubt. Oh, that the world
could be persuaded of the truth of that maxim! Oh, that the
world would break down the artificial barriers of rank, wealth,
education, age, beauty, habits, taste, and temper, and recognize
the glorious principle, that in marriage alone is to be found the
panacea for every ill!
Continue to preach that sweet doctrine, and you will
succeed, oh, evangel of true happiness!
I hope so, but as yet the cause progresses but
slowly. Still I have made some converts to the principle, that
men and women should be coupled in matrimony without distinction
of rank. I have lectured on the subject at Mechanics'
Institutes, and the mechanics were unanimous in favour of my
views. I have preached in workhouses, beershops, and Lunatic
Asylums, and I have been received with enthusiasm. I have
addressed navvies on the advantages that would accrue to them if
they married wealthy ladies of rank, and not a navvy dissented!
Noble fellows! And yet there are those who hold that
the uneducated classes are not open to argument! And what do the
countesses say?
Why, at present, it can't be denied, the aristocracy
hold aloof.
Ah, the working man is the true Intelligence after
all!
He is a noble creature when he is quite sober. Yes,
Aline, true happiness comes of true love, and true love should be
independent of external influences. It should live upon itself
and by itself--in itself love should live for love alone!
BALLAD--ALEXIS
Love feeds on many kinds of food, I know,
Some love for rank, some for duty:
Some give their hearts away for empty show,
And others for youth and beauty.
To love for money all the world is prone:
Some love themselves, and live all lonely:
Give me the love that loves for love alone--
I love that love--I love it only!
What man for any other joy can thirst,
Whose loving wife adores him duly?
Want, misery, and care may do their worst,
If loving woman loves you truly.
A lover's thoughts are ever with his own--
None truly loved is ever lonely:
Give me the love that loves for love alone--
I love that love--I love it only!
Oh, Alexis, those are noble principles!
Yes, Aline, and I am going to take a desperate step
in support of them. Have you ever heard of the firm of J. W.
Wells & Co., the old-established Family Sorcerers in St. Mary
Axe?
They have invented a philtre, which, if report may
be believed, is simply infallible. I intend to distribute it
through the village, and within half an hour of my doing so there
will not be an adult in the place who will not have learnt the
secret of pure and lasting happiness. What do you say to that?
Well, dear, of course a filter is a very useful thing
in a house; but still I don't quite see that it is the sort of
thing that places its possessor on the very pinnacle of earthly
joy.
Aline, you misunderstand me. I didn't say a
filter--I said a philtre.
Oh, Alexis! I don't think it would be right. I
don't indeed. And then--a real magician! Oh, it would be
downright wicked.
Aline, is it, or is it not, a laudable object to
steep the whole village up to its lips in love, and to couple
them in matrimony without distinction of age, rank, or fortune?
Unquestionably, but--
Then unpleasant as it must be to have recourse to
supernatural aid, I must nevertheless pocket my aversion, in
deference to the great and good end I have in view. (Calling)
Hercules.
(Enter a Page from tent)
Is Mr. Wells there?
He's in the tent, sir--refreshing.
Yes, sir.
(Exit Page)
Oh, but, Alexis! A real Sorcerer! Oh, I shall be
frightened to death!
I trust my Aline will not yield to fear while the
strong right arm of her Alexis is here to protect her.
It's nonsense, dear, to talk of your protecting me
with your strong right arm, in face of the fact that this Family
Sorcerer could change me into a guinea-pig before you could turn
round.
He could change you into a guinea-pig, no doubt, but
it is most unlikely that he would take such a liberty. It's a
most respectable firm, and I am sure he would never be guilty of
so untradesmanlike an act.
(Enter Mr. Wells from tent)
Good day, sir. (Aline much terrified.)
Yes, sir, we practice Necromancy in all its branches.
We've a choice assortment of wishing-caps, divining-rods,
amulets, charms, and counter-charms. We can cast you a nativity
at a low figure, and we have a horoscope at three-and-six that we
can guarantee. Our Abudah chests, each containing a patent Hag
who comes out and prophesies disasters, with spring complete, are
strongly recommended. Our Aladdin lamps are very chaste, and our
Prophetic Tablets, foretelling everything--from a change of
Ministry down to a rise in Unified--are much enquired for. Our
penny Curse--one of the cheapest things in the trade--is
considered infallible. We have some very superior Blessings,
too, but they're very little asked for. We've only sold one
since Christmas--to a gentleman who bought it to send to his
mother-in-law--but it turned out that he was afflicted in the
head, and it's been returned on our hands. But our sale of penny
Curses, especially on Saturday nights, is tremendous. We can't
turn 'em out fast enough.
Oh! my name is John Wellington Wells,
I'm a dealer in magic and spells,
In blessings and curses
And ever-filled purses,
In prophecies, witches, and knells.
If you want a proud foe to "make tracks"--
If you'd melt a rich uncle in wax--
You've but to look in
On the resident Djinn,
Number seventy, Simmery Axe!
We've a first-class assortment of magic;
And for raising a posthumous shade
With effects that are comic or tragic,
There's no cheaper house in the trade.
Love-philtre--we've quantities of it;
And for knowledge if any one burns,
We keep an extremely small prophet, a prophet
Who brings us unbounded returns:
For he can prophesy
With a wink of his eye,
Peep with security
Into futurity,
Sum up your history,
Clear up a mystery,
Humour proclivity
For a nativity--for a nativity;
With mirrors so magical,
Tetrapods tragical,
Bogies spectacular,
Answers oracular,
Facts astronomical,
Solemn or comical,
And, if you want it, he
Makes a reduction on taking a quantity!
Oh!
If any one anything lacks,
He'll find it all ready in stacks,
If he'll only look in
On the resident Djinn,
Number seventy, Simmery Axe!
He can raise you hosts
Of ghosts,
And that without reflectors;
And creepy things
With wings,
And gaunt and grisly spectres.
He can fill you crowds
Of shrouds,
And horrify you vastly;
He can rack your brains
With chains,
And gibberings grim and ghastly.
And then, if you plan it, he
Changes organity,
With an urbanity,
Full of Satanity,
Vexes humanity
With an inanity
Fatal to vanity--
Driving your foes to the verge of insanity!
Barring tautology,
In demonology,
'Lectro-biology,
Mystic nosology,
Spirit philology,
High-class astrology,
Such is his knowledge, he
Isn't the man to require an apology!
Oh!
My name is John Wellington Wells,
I'm a dealer in magic and spells,
In blessings and curses
And ever-filled purses,
In prophecies, witches, and knells.
If any one anything lacks,
He'll find it all ready in stacks,
If he'll only look in
On the resident Djinn,
Number seventy, Simmery Axe!
I have sent for you to consult you on a very
important matter. I believe you advertise a Patent Oxy-Hydrogen
Love-at-first-sight Philtre?
Sir, it is our leading article. (Producing a phial.)
Now I want to know if you can confidently guarantee
it as possessing all the qualities you claim for it in your
advertisement?
Sir, we are not in the habit of puffing our goods.
Ours is an old-established house with a large family connection,
and every assurance held out in the advertisement is fully
realized. (Hurt)
(aside) Oh, Alexis, don't offend him! He'll change
us into something dreadful--I know he will!
I am anxious from purely philanthropical motives to
distribute this philtre, secretly, among the inhabitants of this
village. I shall of course require a quantity. How do you sell
it?
In buying a quantity, sir, we should strongly advise
your taking it in the wood, and drawing it off as you happen to
want it. We have it in four-and-a-half and nine gallon
casks--also in pipes and hogsheads for laying down, and we deduct
10 per cent from prompt cash.
I should mention that I am a Member of the Army and
Navy Stores.
In that case we deduct 25 percent.
Aline, the villagers will assemble to carouse in a
few minutes. Go and fetch the tea-pot.
But, Alexis--
My dear, you must obey me, if you please. Go and
fetch the teapot.
(going) I'm sure Dr. Daly would disapprove of it!
(Exit Aline.)
And how soon does it take effect?
In twelve hours. Whoever drinks of it loses
consciousness for that period, and on waking falls in love, as a
matter of course, with the first lady he meets who has also
tasted it, and his affection is at once returned. One trial will
prove the fact.
Enter Aline with large tea-pot
Good: then, Mr. Wells, I shall feel obliged if you
will at once pour as much philtre into this teapot as will
suffice to affect the whole village.
But bless me, Alexis, many of the villages are
married people!
Madam, this philtre is compounded on the strictest
principles. On married people it has no effect whatever. But
are you quite sure that you have nerve enough to carry you
through the fearful ordeal?
Very good, then, we will proceed at once to the
Incantation.
The stage grows dark.
Sprites of earth and air--
Fiends of flame and fire--
Demon souls,
Come here in shoals,
This dreaded deed inspire!
Appear, appear, appear.
Good master, we are here!
Noisome hags of night--
Imps of deadly shade--
Pallid ghosts,
Arise in hosts,
And lend me all your aid.
Appear, appear, appear!
Good master, we are here!
(aside) Hark, they assemble,
These fiends of the night!
(aside) Oh Alexis, I tremble,
Seek safety in flight!
ARIA - ALINE
Let us fly to a far-off land,
Where peace and plenty dwell--
Where the sigh of the silver strand
Is echoed in every shell
To the joy that land will give,
On the wings of Love we'll fly;
In innocence, there to live--
In innocence there to die!
Too late--too late
It may not be!
That happy fate
Is not for (me/thee)!
Too late--too late,
That may not be!
That happy fate,
Is not for thee!
WELLS
Now shrivelled hags, with poison bags,
Discharge your loathsome loads!
Spit flame and fire, unholy choir!
Belch forth your venom, toads!
Ye demons fell, with yelp and yell,
Shed curses far afield--
Ye fiends of night, your filthy blight
In noisome plenty yield!
(pouring phial into tea-pot--flash)
Number One!
It is done!
(same business) Number Two! (flash)
One too few!
Number Three! (flash)
Set us free!
Set us free-our work is done
Ha! ha! ha!
Set us free--our course is run!
Ha! ha! ha!
ALINE AND ALEXIS (aside)
Let us fly to a far-off land,
Where peace and plenty dwell--
Where the sigh of the silver strand
Is echoed in every shell.
Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!
(Stage grows light. Mr. Wells beckons villagers. Enter villagers
and all the dramatis personae, dancing joyously. Mrs. Partlet and
Mr. Wells then distribute tea-cups.)
Now to the banquet we press;
Now for the eggs, the ham;
Now for the mustard and cress,
Now for the strawberry jam!
Now for the tea of our host,
Now for the rollicking bun,
Now for the muffin and toast,
Now for the gay Sally Lunn!
The eggs and the ham, and the strawberry jam!
The rollicking bun, and the gay Sally Lunn!
The rollicking, rollicking bun!
Be happy all--the feast is spread before ye;
Fear nothing, but enjoy yourselves, I pray!
Eat, aye, and drink--be merry, I implore ye,
For once let thoughtless Folly rule the day.
TEA-CUP BRINDISI
Eat, drink, and be gay,
Banish all worry and sorrow,
Laugh gaily to-day,
Weep, if you're sorry, to-morrow!
Come, pass the cup around--
I will go bail for the liquor;
It's strong, I'll be bound,
For it was brewed by the vicar!
None so knowing as he
At brewing a jorum of tea,
Ha! ha!
A pretty stiff jorum of tea.
See--see--they drink--
All thoughts unheeding,
The tea-cups clink,
They are exceeding!
Their hearts will melt
In half-an-hour--
Then will be felt
The potions power!
(During this verse Constance has brought a small tea-pot, kettle,
caddy, and cosy to Dr. Daly. He makes tea scientifically.)
BRINDISI, 2nd Verse--DR. DALY (with the tea-pot)
Pain, trouble, and care,
Misery, heart-ache, and worry,
Quick, out of your lair!
Get you gone in a hurry!
Toil, sorrow, and plot,
Fly away quicker and quicker--
Three spoons in the pot--
That is the brew of your vicar!
None so cunning as he
At brewing a jorum of tea,
Ha! ha!
A pretty stiff jorum of tea!
Oh love, true love--unworldly, abiding!
Source of all pleasure--true fountain of joy,--
Oh love, true love--divinely confiding,
Exquisite treasure that knows no alloy,--
Oh love, true love, rich harvest of gladness,
Peace-bearing tillage--great garner of bliss,--
Oh love, true love, look down on our sadness --
Dwell in this village--oh, hear us in this!
(It becomes evident by the strange conduct of the characters that
the charm is working. All rub their eyes, and stagger about the
stage as if under the influence of a narcotic.)
TUTTI (aside) ALEXIS, MR. WELLS and ALINE
Oh, marvellous illusion! A marvellous illusion!
Oh, terrible surprise! A terrible surprise
What is this strange confusion Excites a strange confusion
That veils my aching eyes? Within their aching eyes--
I must regain my senses, They must regain their senses,
Restoring Reason's law, Restoring Reason's law,
Or fearful inferences Or fearful inferences
Society will draw! Society will draw!
(Those who have partaken of the philtre struggle in vain against
its effects, and, at the end of the chorus, fall insensible on
the stage.)
Scene--Exterior of Sir Marmaduke's mansion by moonlight. All the
peasantry are discovered asleep on the ground, as at the end of
Act I.
Enter Mr. Wells, on tiptoe, followed by Alexis and Aline. Mr. Wells
carries a dark lantern.
'Tis twelve, I think,
And at this mystic hour
The magic drink
Should manifest its power.
Oh, slumbering forms,
How little ye have guessed
That fire that warms
Each apathetic breast!
But stay, my father is not here!
And pray where is my mother dear?
I did not think it meet to see
A dame of lengthy pedigree,
A Baronet and K.C.B.
A Doctor of Divinity,
And that respectable Q.C.,
All fast asleep, al-fresco-ly,
And so I had them taken home
And put to bed respectably!
I trust my conduct meets your approbation.
Sir, you have acted with discrimination,
And shown more delicate appreciation
Than we expect of persons of your station.
But stay--they waken one by one --
The spell has worked--the deed is done!
I would suggest that we retire
While Love, the Housemaid, lights her kitchen
fire!
(Exeunt Mr. Wells, Alexis and Aline, on tiptoe, as the villagers
stretch their arms, yawn, rub their eyes, and sit up.)
Why, where be oi, and what be oi a doin',
A sleepin' out, just when the dews du rise?
Why, that's the very way your health to ruin,
And don't seem quite respectable likewise!
(staring at girls) Eh, that's you!
Only think o' that now!
(coyly) What may you be at, now?
Tell me, du!
(admiringly) Eh, what a nose,
And eh, what eyes, miss!
Lips like a rose,
And cheeks likewise, miss!
(coyly) Oi tell you true,
Which I've never done, sir,
Oi loike you
As I never loiked none, sir!
Eh, but oi du loike you!
If you'll marry me, I'll dig for you
and
rake for you!
If you'll marry be, I'll scrub for you
and bake for you!
If you'll marry me, all others I'll
forsake for you!
All this will I du, if you marry
me!
If you'll marry me, I'll cook for you
and brew for you!
If you'll marry me, I've guineas not
a
few for you!
If you'll marry me, I'll take you in
and
du for you!
All this will I du, if you'll marry
me!
Eh, but I do loike you!
Country Dance
(At end of dance, enter Constance in tears, leading Notary, who
carries an ear-trumpet)
Aria--CONSTANCE
Dear friends, take pity on my lot,
My cup is not of nectar!
I long have loved--as who would not?--
Our kind and reverend rector.
Long years ago my love began
So sweetly--yet so sadly--
But when I saw this plain old man,
Away my old affection ran--
I found I loved him madly.
Oh!
(To Notary) You very, very plain old man,
I love, I love you madly!
You very, very plain old man,
She loves, she loves you madly!
I am a very deaf old man,
And hear you very badly!
I know not why I love him so;
It is enchantment, surely!
He's dry and snuffy, deaf and slow
Ill-tempered, weak and poorly!
He's ugly, and absurdly dressed,
And sixty-seven nearly,
He's everything that I detest,
But if the truth must be confessed,
I love him very dearly!
Oh!
(To Notary) You're everything that I detest,
But still I love you dearly!
You've everything that girls detest,
But still she loves you dearly!
I caught that line, but for the rest,
I did not hear it clearly!
(During this verse Aline and Alexis have entered at back
unobserved.)
Oh joy! oh joy!
The charm works well,
And all are now united.
The blind young boy
Obeys the spell,
And troth they all have plighted!
Aline & Alexis Constance Notary
Oh joy! oh joy! Oh, bitter joy! Oh joy! oh
joy!
The charm works well, No words can tell No words can
tell
And all are now united! How my poor heart My state
of mind
The blind young boy is blighted!
delighted.
Obeys the spell, They'll soon employ They'll soon
employ
A marriage bell, A marriage
bell,
Their troth they all To say that we're To say
that we're
have plighted. united. united.
True happiness I do confess True happiness
Reigns everywhere, A sorrow rare Reigns
everywhere
And dwells with both My humbled spirit And dwells
with both
the sexes. vexes. the
sexes,
And all will bless And none will bless And all will
bless
The thoughtful care Example rare Example rare
Of their beloved Of their beloved Of their
beloved
Alexis! Alexis! Alexis!
(All, except Alexis and Aline, exeunt
lovingly.)
How joyful they all seem in their new-found
happiness! The whole village has paired off in the happiest
manner. And yet not a match has been made that the hollow world
would not consider ill-advised!
But we are wiser--far wiser--than the world.
Observe the good that will become of these ill-assorted unions.
The miserly wife will check the reckless expenditure of her too
frivolous consort, the wealthy husband will shower innumerable
bonnets on his penniless bride, and the young and lively spouse
will cheer the declining days of her aged partner with comic
songs unceasing!
What a delightful prospect for him!
But one thing remains to be done, that my happiness
may be complete. We must drink the philtre ourselves, that I may
be assured of your love for ever and ever.
Oh, Alexis, do you doubt me? Is it necessary that
such love as ours should be secured by artificial means? Oh, no,
no, no!
My dear Aline, time works terrible changes, and I
want to place our love beyond the chance of change.
Alexis, it is already far beyond that chance. Have
faith in me, for my love can never, never change!
Then you absolutely refuse?
I do. If you cannot trust me, you have no right to
love me--no right to be loved by me.
Enough, Aline, I shall know how to interpret this
refusal.
BALLAD--ALEXIS
Thou hast the power thy vaunted love
To sanctify, all doubt above,
Despite the gathering shade:
To make that love of thine so sure
That, come what may, it must endure
Till time itself shall fade.
They love is but a flower
That fades within the hour!
If such thy love, oh, shame!
Call it by other name--
It is not love!
Thine is the power and thine alone,
To place me on so proud a throne
That kings might envy me!
A priceless throne of love untold,
More rare than orient pearl and gold.
But no! Thou wouldst be free!
Such love is like the ray
That dies within the day:
If such thy love, oh, shame!
Call it by other name--
It is not love!
Enter Dr. Daly.
(musing) It is singular--it is very singular. It
has overthrown all my calculations. It is distinctly opposed to
the doctrine of averages. I cannot understand it.
Dear Dr. Daly, what has puzzled you?
My dear, this village has not hitherto been addicted
to marrying and giving in marriage. Hitherto the youths of this
village have not been enterprising, and the maidens have been
distinctly coy. Judge then of my surprise when I tell you that
the whole village came to me in a body just now, and implored me
to join them in matrimony with as little delay as possible. Even
your excellent father has hinted to me that before very long it
is not unlikely that he may also change his condition.
Oh, Alexis--do you hear that? Are you not delighted?
Yes, I confess that a union between your mother and
my father would be a happy circumstance indeed. (Crossing to Dr.
Daly) My dear sir--the news that you bring us is very
gratifying.
Yes--still, in my eyes, it has its melancholy side.
This universal marrying recalls the happy days--now, alas, gone
forever--when I myself might have--but tush! I am puling. I am
too old to marry--and yet, within the last half-hour, I have
greatly yearned for companionship. I never remarked it before,
but the young maidens of this village are very comely. So
likewise are the middle-aged. Also the elderly. All are
comely--and (with a deep sigh) all are engaged!
Enter Sir Marmaduke with Mrs. Partlet, arm-in-arm
(aside)
Mrs. Partlet!
Dr. Daly, give me joy. Alexis, my dear boy, you
will, I am sure, be pleased to hear that my declining days are
not unlikely to be solaced by the companionship of this good,
virtuous, and amiable woman.
(rather taken aback) My dear father, this is not
altogether what I expected. I am certainly taken somewhat by
surprise. Still it can hardly be necessary to assure you that
any wife of yours is a mother of mine. (Aside to Aline.) It is
not quite what I could have wished.
(crossing to Alexis) Oh, sir, I entreat your
forgiveness. I am aware that socially I am not everything that
could be desired, nor am I blessed with an abundance of worldly
goods, but I can at least confer on your estimable father the
great and priceless dowry of a true, tender, and lovin' 'art!
(coldly) I do not question it. After all, a
faithful love is the true source of every earthly joy.
I knew that my boy would not blame his poor father
for acting on the impulse of a heart that has never yet misled
him. Zorah is not perhaps what the world calls beautiful--
Still she is comely--distinctly comely. (Sighs)
Zorah is very good, and very clean, and honest, and
quite, quite sober in her habits: and that is worth far more than
beauty, dear Sir Marmaduke.
Yes; beauty will fade and perish, but personal
cleanliness is practically undying, for it can be renewed
whenever it discovers symptoms of decay. My dear Sir Marmaduke,
I heartily congratulate you. (Sighs)
ALEXIS, ALINE, SIR MARMADUKE, ZORAH, and DR. DALY
I rejoice that it's decided,
Happy now will be his life,
For my father is provided
With a true and tender wife.
She will tend him, nurse him, mend him,
Air his linen, dry his tears;
Bless the thoughtful fate that send him
Such a wife to soothe his years!
No young giddy thoughtless maiden,
Full of graces, airs, and jeers--
But a sober widow, laden
With the weight of fifty years!
No high-born exacting beauty
Blazing like a jewelled sun--
But a wife who'll do her duty,
As that duty should be done!
I'm no saucy minx and giddy--
Hussies such as them abound--
But a clean and tidy widdy
Well be-known for miles around!
All the village now have mated,
All are happy as can be--
I to live alone am fated:
No one's left to marry me!
She will tend him etc.
(Exeunt Sir Marmaduke, Mrs. Partlet, and Aline, with Alexis. Dr.
Daly
looks after them sentimentally, then exits with a sigh.)
Enter Mr. Wells
Oh, I have wrought much evil with my spells!
And ill I can't undo!
This is too bad of you, J. W. Wells--
What wrong have they done you?
And see--another love-lorn lady comes--
Alas, poor stricken dame!
A gentle pensiveness her life benumbs--
And mine, alone, the blame!
Lady Sangazure enters. She is very melancholy
Alas, ah me! and well-a-day!
I sigh for love, and well I may,
For I am very old and grey.
But stay!
(Sees Mr. Wells, and becomes fascinated by him.)
What is this fairy form I see before me?
Oh horrible!--She's going to adore me!
This last catastrophe is overpowering!
Why do you glare at one with visage lowering?
For pity's sake recoil not thus from me!
My lady leave me--this may never be!
Hate me! I drop my H's--have through life!
Love me! I'll drop them too!
Hate me! I always eat peas with a knife!
Love me! I'll eat like you!
Hate me! I spend the day at Rosherville!
Love me! that joy I'll share!
Hate me! I often roll down One Tree Hill!
Love me! I'll join you there!
Love me! My prejudices I will drop!
Hate me! that's not enough!
Love me! I'll come and help you in the shop!
Hate me! the life is rough!
Love me! my grammar I will all forswear!
Hate me! abjure my lot!
Love me! I'll stick sunflowers in my hair!
Hate me! they'll suit you not!
At what I am going to say be not enraged--
I may not love you--for I am engaged!
(horrified) Engaged!
Engaged!
To a maiden fair,
With bright brown hair,
And a sweet and simple smile,
Who waits for me
By the sounding sea,
On a South Pacific isle.
(aside) A lie! No maiden waits me there!
(mournfully) She has bright brown hair;
(aside) A lie! No maiden smiles on me!
(mournfully) By the sounding sea!
Oh agony, rage, despair! Oh, agony, rage,
despair!
The maiden has bright brown hair, Oh, where will this
end--oh, where?
And mine is as white as snow! I should like very much
to know!
False man, it will be your fault, It will certainly be my
fault,
If I go to my family vault, If she goes to her family
vault,
And bury my life-long woe! To bury her life-long
woe!
The family vault--the family vault.
It will certainly be (your/my) fault.
If (I go/she goes) to (my/her) family vault,
To bury (my/her) life-long woe!
(Exit Lady Sangazure, in great anguish, accompanied by Mr. Wells.)
Enter Aline, Recitative
Alexis! Doubt me not, my loved one! See,
Thine uttered will is sovereign law to me!
All fear--all thought of ill I cast away!
It is may darling's will, and I obey!
(She drinks the
philtre.)
The fearful deed is done,
My love is near!
I go to meet my own
In trembling fear!
If o'er us aught of ill
Should cast a shade,
It was my darling's will,
And I obeyed!
(As Aline is going off, she meets Dr. Daly, entering pensively. He
is playing on a flageolet. Under the influence of the spell she
at once becomes strangely fascinated by him, and exhibits every
symptom of being hopelessly in love with him.)
Oh, my voice is sad and low
And with timid step I go--
For with load of love o'er laden
I enquire of every maiden,
"Will you wed me, little lady?
Will you share my cottage shady?"
Little lady answers "No!
Thank you for your kindly proffer--
Good your heart, and full your coffer;
Yet I must decline your offer--
I'm engaged to So-and-so!"
So-and-so!
So-and-so! (flageolet solo)
She's engaged to So-and-so!
What a rogue young hearts to pillage;
What a worker on Love's tillage!
Every maiden in the village
Is engage to So-and-so!
So-and-so!
So-and-so! (flageolet solo)
All engaged to So-and-so!
(At the end of the song Dr. Daly sees Aline, and, under the
influence of the potion, falls in love with her.)
Oh, joyous boon! oh, mad delight;
Oh, sun and moon! oh, day and night!
Rejoice, rejoice with me!
Proclaim our joy, ye birds above--
Yet brooklets, murmur forth our love,
In choral ecstasy:
Oh, joyous boon!
Oh, mad delight!
Oh, sun and moon!
Oh, day and night!
Ye birds, and brooks, and fruitful trees,
With choral joy, delight the breeze--
Rejoice, rejoice with me!
Enter Alexis
(with rapture) Aline my only love, my happiness!
The philtre--you have tasted it?
(with confusion) Yes! Yes!
Oh, joy, mine, mine for ever, and for aye!
(Embraces her.)
ALINE Alexis, don't do that--you must not!
(Dr. Daly interposes between them)
(amazed). Why?
Alas! that lovers thus should meet:
Oh, pity, pity me!
Oh, charge me not with cold deceit;
Oh, pity, pity me!
You bade me drink--with trembling awe
I drank, and, by the potion's law,
I loved the very first I saw!
Oh, pity, pity, me!
My dear young friend, consoled be--
We pity, pity you.
In this I'm not an agent free--
We pity, pity you.
Some most extraordinary spell
O'er us has cast its magic fell--
The consequence I need not tell.
We pity, pit you.
Some most extraordinary spell
O'er (us/them) has cast its magic fell--
The consequence (we/they) need not tell.
(We/They) pity, pity (thee!/me).
(furiously) False one, begone--I spurn thee,
To thy new lover turn thee!
Thy perfidy all men shall know,
(wildly) I could not help it!
(calling off) Come one, come all!
We could not help it!
(calling off) Obey my call!
(wildly) I could not help it!
(calling off) Come hither, run!
We could not help it!
(calling off) Come, every one!
Enter all the characters except Lady Sangazure and Mr. Wells
Oh, what is the matter, and what is the clatter?
He's glowering at her, and threatens a blow!
Oh, why does he batter the girl he did flatter?
And why does the latter recoil from him so?
Prepare for sad surprises--
My love Aline despises!
No thought of sorrow shames her--
Another lover claims her!
Be his, false girl, for better or for worse--
But, ere you leave me, may a lover's curse--
(coming forward) Hold! Be just. This poor child
drank the philtre at your instance. She hurried off to meet
you--but, most unhappily, she met me instead. As you had
administered the potion to both of us, the result was inevitable.
But fear nothing from me--I will be no man's rival. I shall quit
the country at once--and bury my sorrow in the congenial gloom of
a Colonial Bishopric.
My excellent old friend! (Taking his hand--then
turning to Mr. Wells, who has entered with Lady Sangazure.) Oh,
Mr.
Wells, what, what is to be done?
I do not know--and yet--there is one means by which
this spell may be removed.
Name it--oh, name it!
Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I
would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in
sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next
week, and it would not be fair on the Co.
True. Well, I am ready!
No, no--Alexis--it must not be! Mr. Wells, if he
must die that all may be restored to their old loves, what is to
become of me? I should be left out in the cold, with no love to
be restored to!
True--I did not think of that. (To the others) My
friends, I appeal to you, and I will leave the decision in your
hands.
Or I or he
Must die!
Which shall it be?
Reply!
Die thou!
Thou art the cause of all offending!
Die thou!
Yield to this decree unbending!
Die thou!
So be it! I submit! My fate is sealed.
To public execration thus I yield!
(Falls on trap)
Be happy all--leave me to my despair--
I go--it matters not with whom--or where!
(Gong)
(All quit their present partners, and rejoin their old lovers.
Sir Marmaduke leaves Mrs. Partlet, and goes to Lady Sangazure.
Aline
leaves Dr. Daly, and goes to Alexis. Dr. Daly leaves Aline, and
goes
to Constance. Notary leaves Constance, and goes to Mrs. Partlet.
All
the Chorus makes a corresponding change.)
Oh, my adored one!
Unmingled joy!
Ecstatic rapture!
Beloved boy!
(They embrace)
Come to my mansion, all of you! At least
We'll crown our rapture with another feast!
SIR MARMADUKE, LADY SANGAZURE, ALEXIS, and ALINE
Now to the banquet we press--
Now for the eggs and the ham--
Now for the mustard and cress--
Now for the strawberry jam!
Now to the banquet, etc.
DALY, CONSTANCE, NOTARY, and MRS. PARTLET
Now for the tea of our host--
Now for the rollicking bun--
Now for the muffin and toast--
Now for the gay Sally Lunn!
Now for the tea, etc.
(General Dance)
(During the symphony Mr. Wells sinks through the trap, amid red
fire.)
or, The Lass that Loved a Sailor
Libretto by William S. Gilbert
Music by Sir Arthur Sullivan
THE RT.HON SIR JOSEPH PORTER, K.C.B. (First Lord of the
Admiralty).
CAPTAIN CORCORAN (Commanding H.M.S. Pinafore).
TOM TUCKER (Midshipmite).
RALPH RAKESTRAW (Able Seaman).
DICK DEADEYE (Able Seaman).
BILL BOBSTAY (Boatswain's Mate).
BOB BECKET (Carpenter's Mate).
JOSEPHINE (the Captain's Daughter).
HEBE (Sir Joseph Porter's First Cousin).
MRS. CRIPPS (LITTLE BUTTERCUP) (A Portsmouth Bumboat Woman).
First Lord's Sisters, his Cousins, his Aunts, Sailors,
Marines, etc.
Scene: QUARTER-DECK OF H.M.S. PINAFORE, OFF PORTSMOUTH
ACT I.--Noon. ACT II.--Night
First produced at the Opera Comique on May 25, 1878.
ACT I
BOATSWAIN,
discovered cleaning brasswork, splicing rope, etc.
We sail the ocean blue,
And our saucy ship's a beauty;
We're sober men and true,
And attentive to our duty.
When the balls whistle free
O'er the bright blue sea,
We stand to our guns all day;
When at anchor we ride
On the Portsmouth tide,
We have plenty of time to play.
Enter LITTLE BUTTERCUP, with large basket on her arm
Hail, men-o'-war's men-safeguards of your nation
Here is an end, at last, of all privation;
You've got your play--spare all you can afford
To welcome Little Buttercup on board.
For I'm called Little Buttercup--dear Little Buttercup,
Though I could never tell why,
But still I'm called Buttercup--poor little Buttercup,
Sweet Little Buttercup I!
I've snuff and tobaccy, and excellent jacky,
I've scissors, and watches, and knives
I've ribbons and laces to set off the faces
Of pretty young sweethearts and wives.
I've treacle and toffee, I've tea and I've coffee,
Soft tommy and succulent chops;
I've chickens and conies, and pretty polonies,
And excellent peppermint drops.
Then buy of your Buttercup--dear Little Buttercup;
Sailors should never be shy;
So, buy of your Buttercup--poor Little Buttercup;
Come, of your Buttercup buy!
Aye, Little Buttercup--and well called--for you're the
rosiest,
the roundest, and the reddest beauty in all Spithead.
Red, am I? and round--and rosy! Maybe, for I have
dissembled well!
But hark ye, my merry friend--hast ever thought that beneath a
gay and
frivolous exterior there may lurk a canker-worm which is slowly
but
surely eating its way into one's very heart?
No, my lass, I can't say I've ever thought that.
Enter DICK DEADEYE. He pushes through sailors, and comes down
I have thought it often. (All recoil from him.)
Yes, you look like it! What's the matter with the man?
Isn't he
well?
Don't take no heed of him; that's only poor Dick Deadeye.
I say--it's a beast of a name, ain't it--Dick Deadeye?
It's not a nice name.
I'm ugly too, ain't I?
You are certainly plain.
And I'm three-cornered too, ain't I?
You are rather triangular.
Ha! ha! That's it. I'm ugly, and they hate me for it; for
you all
hate me, don't you?
We do!
There!
Well, Dick, we wouldn't go for to hurt any fellow
creature's
feelings, but you can't expect a chap with such a name as Dick
Deadeye to
be a popular character--now can you?
No.
It's asking too much, ain't it?
It is. From such a face and form as mine the noblest
sentiments
sound like the black utterances of a depraved imagination It is
human
nature--I am resigned.
(looking down hatchway).
But, tell me--who's the youth whose faltering feet
With difficulty bear him on his course?
That is the smartest lad in all the fleet--
Ralph Rackstraw!
Ha! That name! Remorse! remorse!
Enter RALPH from hatchway
MADRIGAL--RALPH
The Nightingale
Sighed for the moon's bright ray
And told his tale
In his own melodious way!
He sang "Ah, well-a-day!"
He sang "Ah, well-a-day!"
The lowly vale
For the mountain vainly sighed,
To his humble wail
The echoing hills replied.
They sang "Ah, well-a-day!"
All. They sang "Ah, well-a-day!"
I know the value of a kindly chorus,
But choruses yield little consolation
When we have pain and sorrow too before us!
I love--and love, alas, above my station!
(aside). He loves--and loves a lass above his station!
ALL (aside). Yes, yes, the lass is much above his station!
Exit LITTLE BUTTERCUP
BALLAD -- RALPH
A maiden fair to see,
The pearl of minstrelsy,
A bud of blushing beauty;
For whom proud nobles sigh,
And with each other vie
To do her menial's duty.
To do her menial's duty.
A suitor, lowly born,
With hopeless passion torn,
And poor beyond denying,
Has dared for her to pine
At whose exalted shrine
A world of wealth is sighing.
A world of wealth is sighing.
Unlearned he in aught
Save that which love has taught
(For love had been his tutor);
Oh, pity, pity me--
Our captain's daughter she,
And I that lowly suitor!
And he that lowly suitor!
Ah, my poor lad, you've climbed too high: our worthy
captain's
child won't have nothin' to say to a poor chap like you. Will
she, lads?
No, no.
No, no, captains' daughters don't marry foremast hands.
ALL (recoiling from him). Shame! shame!
Dick Deadeye, them sentiments o' yourn are a disgrace to
our
common natur'.
RALPH, But it's a strange anomaly, that the daughter of a man
who hails
from the quarter-deck may not love another who lays out on the
fore-yard
arm. For a man is but a man, whether he hoists his flag at the
main-truck
or his slacks on the main-deck.
Ah, it's a queer world!
Dick Deadeye, I have no desire to press hardly on you,
but such
a revolutionary sentiment is enough to make an honest sailor
shudder.
My lads, our gallant captain has come on deck; let us
greet him
as so brave an officer and so gallant a seaman deserves.
Enter CAPTAIN CORCORAN
My gallant crew, good morning.
ALL (saluting). Sir, good morning!
I hope you're all quite well.
ALL(as before). Quite well; and you, sir?
I am in reasonable health, and happy
To meet you all once more.
ALL (as before). You do us proud, sir!
I am the Captain of the Pinafore;
And a right good captain, tool
You're very, very good,
And be it understood,
I command a right good crew,
We're very, very good,
And be it understood,
He commands a right good crew.
Though related to a peer,
I can hand, reef, and steer,
And ship a selvagee;
I am never known to quail
At the furry of a gale,
And I'm never, never sick at sea!
What, never?
No, never!
What, never?
Hardly ever!
He's hardly ever sick at seal
Then give three cheers, and one cheer more,
For the hardy Captain of the Pinafore!
I do my best to satisfy you all--
And with you we're quite content.
You're exceedingly polite,
And I think it only right
To return the compliment.
We're exceedingly polite,
And he thinks it's only right
To return the compliment.
Bad language or abuse,
I never, never use,
Whatever the emergency;
Though "Bother it" I may
Occasionally say,
I never use a big, big D--
What, never?
No, never!
What, never?
Hardly ever!
Hardly ever swears a big, big D--
Then give three cheers, and one cheer more,
For the well-bred Captain of the Pinafore!
[After song exeunt all but
CAPTAIN]
Enter LITTLE BUTTERCUP
Sir, you are sad! The silent eloquence
Of yonder tear that trembles on your eyelash
Proclaims a sorrow far more deep than common;
Confide in me--fear not--I am a mother!
Yes, Little Buttercup, I'm sad and sorry--
My daughter, Josephine, the fairest flower
That ever blossomed on ancestral timber,
Is sought in marriage by Sir Joseph Porter,
Our Admiralty's First Lord, but for some reason
She does not seem to tackle kindly to it.
BUT, (with emotion). Ah, poor Sir Joseph! Ah, I know too well
The anguish of a heart that loves but vainly!
But see, here comes your most attractive daughter.
I go--Farewell!
[Exit.
(looking after her). A plump and pleasing person!
[Exit.
Enter JOSEPHINE, twining some flowers which she carries in a
small
basket
Sorry her lot who loves too well,
Heavy the heart that hopes but vainly,
Sad are the sighs that own the spell,
Uttered by eyes that speak too plainly;
Heavy the sorrow that bows the head
When love is alive and hope is dead!
Sad is the hour when sets the sun--
Dark is the night to earth's poor daughters,
When to the ark the wearied one
Flies from the empty waste of waters!
Heavy the sorrow that bows the head
When love is alive and hope is dead!
Enter CAPTAIN
My child, I grieve to see that you are a prey to
melancholy. You
should look your best to-day, for Sir Joseph Porter, K.C.B., will
be here
this afternoon to claim your promised hand.
Ah, father, your words cut me to the quick. I can esteem--
reverence--venerate Sir Joseph, for he is a great and good man;
but oh, I
cannot love him! My heart is already given.
(aside). It is then as I feared. (Aloud.) Given? And to
whom? Not
to some gilded lordling?
No, father--the object of my love is no lordling. Oh, pity
me, for
he is but a humble sailor on board your own ship!
Impossible!
Yes, it is true.
A common sailor? Oh fie!
I blush for the weakness that allows me to cherish such a
passion.
I hate myself when I think of the depth to which I have stooped
in
permitting myself to think tenderly of one so ignobly born, but I
love
him! I love him! I love him! (Weeps.)
Come, my child, let us talk this over. In a matter of the
heart I
would not coerce my daughter--I attach but little value to rank
or
wealth, but the line must be drawn somewhere. A man in that
station may
be brave and worthy, but at every step he would commit solecisms
that
society would never pardon.
Oh, I have thought of this night and day. But fear not,
father, I
have a heart, and therefore I love; but I am your daughter, and
therefore
I am proud. Though I carry my love with me to the tomb, he shall
never,
never know it.
You are my daughter after all. But see, Sir Joseph's
barge
approaches, manned by twelve trusty oarsmen and accompanied by
the
admiring crowd of sisters, cousins, and aunts that attend him
wherever he
goes. Retire, my daughter, to your cabin--take this, his
photograph, with
you--it may help to bring you to a more reasonable frame of mind.
My own thoughtful father!
[Exit JOSEPHINE. CAPTAIN remains and ascends the poop-deck.
(invisible)
Over the bright blue sea
Comes Sir Joseph Porter, K.C.B.,
Wherever he may go
Bang-bang the loud nine-pounders go!
Shout o'er the bright blue sea
For Sir Joseph Porter, K.C.B.
[During this the Crew have entered on tiptoe, listening
attentive to
the song.
Sir Joseph's barge is seen,
And its crowd of blushing beauties,
We hope he'll find us clean,
And attentive to our duties.
We sail, we sail the ocean blue,
And our saucy ship's a beauty.
We're sober, sober men and true
And attentive to our duty.
We're smart and sober men,
And quite devoid of fe-ar,
In all the Royal N.
None are so smart as we are.
Enter SIR JOSEPH'S FEMALE RELATIVES
(They dance round stage)
Gaily tripping,
Lightly skipping,
Flock the maidens to the shipping.
Flags and guns and pennants dipping!
All the ladies love the shipping.
Sailors sprightly
Always rightly
Welcome ladies so politely.
Ladies who can smile so brightly,
Sailors welcome most politely.
(from poop). Now give three cheers, I'll lead the way
Hurrah! hurrah! hurrah! hurray!
Enter SIR JOSEPH with COUSIN HEBE
I am the monarch of the sea,
The ruler of the Queen's Navee,
Whose praise Great Britain loudly chants.
And we are his sisters, and his cousins and his
aunts!
And we are his sisters, and his cousins, and his
aunts!
When at anchor here I ride,
My bosom swells with pride,
And I snap my fingers at a foeman's
taunts;
And so do his sisters, and his cousins, and his
aunts!
And so do his sisters, and his cousins, and his
aunts!
But when the breezes blow,
I generally go below,
And seek the seclusion that a cabin grants;
And so do his sisters, and his cousins, and his
aunts!
And so do his sisters, and his cousins, and his
aunts!
His sisters and his cousins,
Whom he reckons up by dozens,
And his aunts!
-- SIR JOSEPH
When I was a lad I served a term
As office boy to an Attorney's firm.
I cleaned the windows and I swept the floor,
And I polished up the handle of the big front door.
I polished up that handle so carefullee
That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!
--He polished, etc.
As office boy I made such a mark
That they gave me the post of a junior clerk.
I served the writs with a smile so bland,
And I copied all the letters in a big round hand--
I copied all the letters in a hand so free,
That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!
- He copied, etc.
In serving writs I made such a name
That an articled clerk I soon became;
I wore clean collars and a brand-new suit
For the pass examination at the Institute,
And that pass examination did so well for me,
That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!
--And that pass examination, etc.
Of legal knowledge I acquired such a grip
That they took me into the partnership.
And that junior partnership, I ween,
Was the only ship that I ever had seen.
But that kind of ship so suited me,
That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!
- But that kind, etc.
I grew so rich that I was sent
By a pocket borough into Parliament.
I always voted at my party's call,
And I never thought of thinking for myself at all.
I thought so little, they rewarded me
By making me the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!
- He thought so little, etc.
Now landsmen all, whoever you may be,
If you want to rise to the top of the tree,
If your soul isn't fettered to an office stool,
Be careful to be guided by this golden rule--
Stick close to your desks and never go to sea,
And you all may be rulers of the Queen's Navee!
--Stick close, etc.
You've a remarkably fine crew, Captain Corcoran.
It is a fine crew, Sir Joseph.
(examining a very small midshipman). A British
sailor is a
splendid fellow, Captain Corcoran.
A splendid fellow indeed, Sir Joseph.
I hope you treat your crew kindly, Captain
Corcoran.
Indeed I hope so, Sir Joseph.
SIR JOSEPH, Never forget that they are the bulwarks of
England's
greatness, Captain Corcoran.
So I have always considered them, Sir Joseph.
No bullying, I trust--no strong language of any
kind, eh?
Oh, never, Sir Joseph.
What, never?
Hardly ever, Sir Joseph. They are an excellent crew, and
do their
work thoroughly without it.
Don't patronise them, sir--pray, don't patronise
them.
Certainly not, Sir Joseph.
That you are their captain is an accident of birth.
I
cannot permit these noble fellows to be patronised because an
accident of
birth has placed you above them and them below you.
I am the last person to insult a British sailor, Sir
Joseph.
You are the last person who did, Captain Corcoran.
Desire
that splendid seaman to step forward.
(DICK comes forward)
No, no, the other splendid seaman.
Ralph Rackstraw, three paces to the front--march!
SIR JOSEPH (sternly). If what?
I beg your pardon--I don't think I understand you.
If you please.
Oh, yes, of course. If you please. (RALPH steps forward.)
You're a remarkably fine fellow.
Yes, your honour.
And a first-rate seaman, I'll be bound.
There's not a smarter topman in the Navy, your honour,
though I
say it who shouldn't.
Not at all. Proper self-respect, nothing more. Can
you
dance a hornpipe?
No, your honour.
That's a pity: all sailors should dance hornpipes.
I will
teach you one this evening, after dinner. Now tell me--don't be
afraid--
how does your captain treat you, eh?
A better captain don't walk the deck, your honour.
Aye; Aye!
Good. I like to hear you speak well of your
commanding
officer; I daresay he don't deserve it, but still it does you
credit. Can
you sing?
I can hum a little, your honour.
Then hum this at your leisure. (Giving him MS.
music.) It
is a song that I have composed for the use of the Royal Navy. It
is
designed to encourage independence of thought and action in the
lower
branches of the service, and to teach the principle that a
British sailor
is any man's equal, excepting mine. Now, Captain Corcoran, a word
with
you in your cabin, on a tender and sentimental subject.
Aye, aye,
Sir Joseph (Crossing) Boatswain, in commemoration of this
joyous
occasion, see that extra grog is served out to the ship's company
at
seven bells.
Beg pardon. If what, your honour?
If what? I don't think I understand you.
If you please, your honour.
What!
The gentleman is quite right. If you please.
(stamping his foot impatiently). If you please!
[Exit.
For I hold that on the seas
The expression, "if you please",
A particularly gentlemanly tone implants.
And so do his sisters, and his cousins, and his
aunts!
And so do his sisters, and his cousins, and his
aunts!
[Exeunt SIR JOSEPH AND
Ah! Sir Joseph's true gentleman; courteous and
considerate to the
very humblest.
True, Boatswain, but we are not the very humblest. Sir
Joseph
has explained our true position to us. As he says, a British
seaman is
any man's equal excepting his, and if Sir Joseph says that, is it
not our
duty to believe him?
Well spoke! well spoke!
You're on a wrong tack, and so is he. He means well, but
he don't
know. When people have to obey other people's orders, equality's
out of
the question.
ALL (recoiling). Horrible! horrible!
Dick Deadeye, if you go for to infuriate this here ship's
company
too far, I won't answer for being able to hold 'em in. I'm
shocked!
that's what I am--shocked!
Messmates, my mind's made up. I'll speak to the
captain's
daughter, and tell her, like an honest man, of the honest love I
have for
her.
Aye, aye!
Is not my love as good as another's? Is not my heart as
true as
another's? Have I not hands and eyes and ears and limbs like
another?
Aye, Aye!
True, I lack birth--
You've a berth on board this very ship.
Well said--I had forgotten that. Messmates--what do you
say? Do
you approve my determination?
We do.
I don t.
What is to be done with this here hopeless chap? Let us
sing him
the song that Sir Joseph has kindly composed for us. Perhaps it
will
bring this here miserable creetur to a proper state of mind.
GLEE!--RALPH, BOATSWAIN, BOATSWAIN'S MATE, and CHORUS
A British tar is a soaring soul,
As free as a mountain bird,
His energetic fist should be ready to resist
A dictatorial word.
His nose should pant and his lip should curl,
His cheeks should flame and his brow should furl,
His bosom should heave and his heart should glow,
And his fist be ever ready for a knock-down blow.
--His nose should pant, etc.
His eyes should flash with an inborn fire,
His brow with scorn be wrung;
He never should bow down to a domineering frown,
Or the tang of a tyrant tongue.
His foot should stamp and his throat should growl,
His hair should twirl and his face should scowl;
His eyes should flash and his breast protrude,
And this should be his customary attitude--(pose).
--His foot should stamp, etc.
[All dance off excepting RALPH, who remains, leaning pensively
against
bulwark.
Enter JOSEPHINE from cabin
It is useless--Sir Joseph's attentions nauseate me. I know
that he
is a truly great and good man, for he told me so himself, but to
me he
seems tedious, fretful, and dictatorial. Yet his must be a mind
of no
common order, or he would not dare to teach my dear father to
dance a
hornpipe on the cabin table. (Sees RALPH.) Ralph Rackstraw!
(Overcome by
emotion.)
Aye, lady--no other than poor Ralph Rackstraw!
(aside). How my heart beats! (Aloud) And why poor, Ralph?
I am poor in the essence of happiness, lady--rich only
in never-
ending unrest. In me there meet a combination of antithetical
elements
which are at eternal war with one another. Driven hither by
objective
influences--thither by subjective emotions--wafted one moment
into
blazing day, by mocking hope--plunged the next into the Cimmerian
darkness of tangible despair, I am but a living ganglion of
irreconcilable antagonisms. I hope I make myself clear, lady?
Perfectly. (Aside.) His simple eloquence goes to my heart.
Oh, if
I dared--but no, the thought is madness! (Aloud.) Dismiss these
foolish
fancies, they torture you but needlessly. Come, make one effort.
(aside) I will--one. (Aloud.) Josephine!
(Indignantly). Sir!
Aye, even though Jove's armoury were launched at the
head of the
audacious mortal whose lips, unhallowed by relationship, dared to
breathe
that precious word, yet would I breathe it once, and then
perchance be
silent evermore. Josephine, in one brief breath I will
concentrate the
hopes, the doubts, the anxious fears of six weary months.
Josephine, I am
a British sailor, and I love you!
Sir, this audacity! (Aside.) Oh, my heart, my beating
heart!
(Aloud.) This unwarrantable presumption on the part of a common
sailor!
(Aside.) Common! oh, the irony of the word! (Crossing, aloud.)
Oh, sir,
you forget the disparity in our ranks.
I forget nothing, haughty lady. I love you desperately,
my life
is in your hand--I lay it at your feet! Give me hope, and what I
lack in
education and polite accomplishments, that I will endeavour to
acquire.
Drive me to despair, and in death alone I shall look for
consolation. I
am proud and cannot stoop to implore. I have spoken and I wait
your word.
You shall not wait long. Your proffered love I haughtily
reject.
Go, sir, and learn to cast your eyes on some village maiden in
your own
poor rank--they should be lowered before your captain's daughter.
Refrain, audacious tar,
Your suit from pressing,
Remember what you are,
And whom addressing!
(Aside.) I'd laugh my rank to scorn
In union holy,
Were he more highly born
Or I more lowly!
Proud lady, have your way,
Unfeeling beauty!
You speak and I obey,
It is my duty!
I am the lowliest tar
That sails the water,
And you, proud maiden, are
My captain's daughter!
(Aside.) My heart with anguish torn
Bows down before her,
She laughs my love to scorn,
Yet I adore her!
[Repeat refrain, ensemble, then exit JOSEPHINE into cabin.
(Recit.) Can I survive this overbearing
Or live a life of mad despairing,
My proffered love despised, rejected?
No, no, it's not to be expected!
(Calling off.)
Messmates, ahoy!
Come here! Come here!
Enter SAILORS, HEBE, and RELATIVES
Aye, aye, my boy,
What cheer, what cheer?
Now tell us, pray,
Without delay,
What does she say--
What cheer, what cheer?
The maiden treats my suit with scorn,
Rejects my humble gift, my lady;
She says I am ignobly born,
And cuts my hopes adrift, my lady.
Oh, cruel one.
She spurns your suit? Oho! Oho!
I told you so, I told you so.
Shall { we } submit? Are { we } but slaves?
they they
Love comes alike to high and low--
Britannia's sailors rule the waves,
And shall they stoop to insult? No!
You must submit, you are but slaves;
A lady she! Oho! Oho!
You lowly toilers of the waves,
She spurns you all--I told you so!
My friends, my leave of life I'm taking,
For oh, my heart, my heart is breaking.
When I am gone, oh, prithee tell
The maid that, as I died, I loved her well!
ALL (turning away, weeping). Of life, alas! his leave he's
taking,
For ah! his faithful heart is breaking;
When he is gone we'll surely tell
The maid that, as he died, he loved her well.
[During Chorus BOATSWAIN has loaded pistol, which he hands to
Be warned, my messmates all
Who love in rank above you--
For Josephine I fall!
[Puts pistol to his head. All the sailors stop their
ears.
Enter JOSEPHINE on deck
Ah! stay your hand--I love you!
Ah! stay your hand--she loves you!
(incredulously). Loves me?
Loves you!
Yes, yes--ah, yes,--she loves you!
Oh joy, oh rapture unforeseen,
For now the sky is all serene;
The god of day--the orb of love--
Has hung his ensign high above,
The sky is all ablaze.
With wooing words and loving song,
We'll chase the lagging hours along,
And if {I find } the maiden coy,
we find
I'll } murmur forth decorous joy
We'll
In dreamy roundelays!
He thinks he's won his Josephine,
But though the sky is now serene,
A frowning thunderbolt above
May end their ill-assorted love
Which now is all ablaze.
Our captain, ere the day is gone,
Will be extremely down upon
The wicked men who art employ
To make his Josephine less coy
In many various ways. [Exit
This very night,
With bated breath
And muffled oar--
Without a light,
As still as death,
We'll steal ashore
A clergyman
Shall make us one
BOAT, At half-past ten,
And then we can
Return, for none
Can part them then!
This very night, etc.
(DICK appears at hatchway.)
Forbear, nor carry out the scheme you've planned;
She is a lady--you a foremast hand!
Remember, she's your gallant captain's daughter,
And you the meanest slave that crawls the water!
Back, vermin, back,
Nor mock us!
Back, vermin, back,
You shock us!
[Exit DICK
Let's give three cheers for the sailor's bride
Who casts all thought of rank aside--
Who gives up home and fortune too
For the honest love of a sailor true!
For a British tar is a soaring soul
As free as a mountain bird!
His energetic fist should be ready to resist
A dictatorial word!
His foot should stamp and his throat should growl,
His hair should twirl and his face should scowl,
His eyes should flash and his breast protrude,
And this should be his customary attitude--(pose).
ACT II
Same Scene. Night. Awning removed. Moonlight. CAPTAIN
discovered
singing on poop deck, and accompanying himself on a
mandolin. LITTLE
BUTTERCUP seated on quarterdeck, gazing sentimentally at
him.
Fair moon, to thee I sing,
Bright regent of the heavens,
Say, why is everything
Either at sixes or at sevens?
I have lived hitherto
Free from breath of slander,
Beloved by all my crew--
A really popular commander.
But now my kindly crew rebel,
My daughter to a tar is partial,
Sir Joseph storms, and, sad to tell,
He threatens a court martial!
Fair moon, to thee I sing,
Bright regent of the heavens,
Say, why is everything
Either at sixes or at sevens?
How sweetly he carols forth his melody to the
unconscious
moon! Of whom is he thinking? Of some high-born beauty? It may
be! Who is
poor Little Buttercup that she should expect his glance to fall
on one so
lowly! And yet if he knew--if he only knew!
(coming down). Ah! Little Buttercup, still on board?
That is
not quite right, little one. It would have been more respectable
to have
gone on shore at dusk.
BUT, True, dear Captain--but the recollection of your sad
pale
face seemed to chain me to the ship. I would fain see you smile
before I
go.
Ah! Little Buttercup, I fear it will be long before I
recover my accustomed cheerfulness, for misfortunes crowd upon
me, and
all my old friends seem to have turned against me!
BUT, Oh no--do not say "all", dear Captain. That were
unjust to
one, at least.
True, for you are staunch to me. (Aside.) If ever I
gave my
heart again, methinks it would be to such a one as this! (Aloud.)
I am
touched to the heart by your innocent regard for me, and were we
differently situated, I think I could have returned it. But as it
is, I
fear I can never be more to you than a friend.
BUT, I understand! You hold aloof from me because you are
rich and
lofty--and I poor and lowly. But take care! The poor bumboat
woman has
gipsy blood in her veins, and she can read destinies.
Destinies?
There is a change in store for you!
A change?
Aye--be prepared!
BUT, Things are seldom what they seem,
Skim milk masquerades as cream;
Highlows pass as patent leathers;
Jackdaws strut in peacock's feathers.
(puzzled). Very true,
So they do.
Black sheep dwell in every fold;
All that glitters is not gold;
Storks turn out to be but logs;
Bulls are but inflated frogs.
(puzzled). So they be,
Frequentlee.
Drops the wind and stops the mill;
Turbot is ambitious brill;
Gild the farthing if you will,
Yet it is a farthing still.
(puzzled). Yes, I know.
That is so.
Though to catch your drift I'm striving,
It is shady--it is shady;
I don't see at what you're driving,
Mystic lady--mystic lady.
(Aside.) Stern conviction's o'er me stealing,
That the mystic lady's dealing
In oracular revealing.
(aside).Stern conviction's o'er him stealing,
That the mystic lady's dealing
In oracular revealing.
Yes, I know--
That is so!
Though I'm anything but clever,
I could talk like that for ever:
Once a cat was killed by care;
Only brave deserve the fair.
Very true,
So they do.
Wink is often good as nod;
Spoils the child who spares the rod;
Thirsty lambs run foxy dangers;
Dogs are found in many mangers.
Frequentlee,
I agree.
Paw of cat the chestnut snatches;
Worn-out garments show new patches;
Only count the chick that hatches;
Men are grown-up catchy-catchies.
Yes, I know,
That is so.
(Aside.) Though to catch my drift he's striving,
I'll dissemble--I'll dissemble;
When he sees at what I'm driving,
Let him tremble--let him tremble!
Though a mystic tone { I } borrow,
you
You will } learn the truth with sorrow,
I shall
Here to-day and gone to-morrow;
Yes, I know--
That is so!
[At the end exit LITTLE BUTTERCUP
melodramatically.
Incomprehensible as her utterances are, I nevertheless
feel that
they are dictated by a sincere regard for me. But to what new
misery is
she referring? Time alone can tell!
Enter SIR JOSEPH
Captain Corcoran, I am much disappointed with your
daughter. In fact, I don't think she will do.
She won't do, Sir Joseph!
I'm afraid not. The fact is, that although I have
urged my
suit with as much eloquence as is consistent with an official
utterance,
I have done so hitherto without success. How do you account for
this?
Really, Sir Joseph, I hardly know. Josephine is of course
sensible of your condescension.
She naturally would be.
But perhaps your exalted rank dazzles her.
You think it does?
I can hardly say; but she is a modest girl, and her
social
position is far below your own. It may be that she feels she is
not
worthy of you.
That is really a very sensible suggestion, and
displays
more knowledge of human nature than I had given you credit for.
See, she comes. If your lordship would kindly reason with
her and
assure her officially that it is a standing rule at the Admiralty
that
love levels all ranks, her respect for an official utterance
might induce
her to look upon your offer in its proper light.
It is not unlikely. I will adopt your suggestion.
But soft,
she is here. Let us withdraw, and watch our opportunity.
Enter JOSEPHINE from cabin. FIRST LORD and CAPTAIN retire
The hours creep on apace,
My guilty heart is quaking!
Oh, that I might retrace
The step that I am taking!
Its folly it were easy to be showing,
What I am giving up and whither going.
On the one hand, papa's luxurious home,
Hung with ancestral armour and old brasses,
Carved oak and tapestry from distant Rome,
Rare "blue and white" Venetian finger-glasses,
Rich oriental rugs, luxurious sofa pillows,
And everything that isn't old, from Gillow's.
And on the other, a dark and dingy room,
In some back street with stuffy children crying,
Where organs yell, and clacking housewives fume,
And clothes are hanging out all day a-drying.
With one cracked looking-glass to see your face
in,
And dinner served up in a pudding basin!
A simple sailor, lowly born,
Unlettered and unknown,
Who toils for bread from early mom
Till half the night has flown!
No golden rank can he impart--
No wealth of house or land--
No fortune save his trusty heart
And honest brown right hand!
And yet he is so wondrous fair
That love for one so passing rare,
So peerless in his manly beauty,
Were little else than solemn duty!
Oh, god of love, and god of reason, say,
Which of you twain shall my poor heart obey!
SIR JOSEPH and CAPTAIN enter
Madam, it has been represented to me that you are
appalled
by my exalted rank. I desire to convey to you officially my
assurance,
that if your hesitation is attributable to that circumstance, it
is
uncalled for.
Oh! then your lordship is of opinion that married
happiness is not
inconsistent with discrepancy in rank?
I am officially of that opinion.
That the high and the lowly may be truly happy together,
provided
that they truly love one another?
Madam, I desire to convey to you officially my
opinion that
love is a platform upon which all ranks meet.
I thank you, Sir Joseph. I did hesitate, but I will
hesitate no
longer. (Aside.) He little thinks how eloquently he has pleaded
his
rival's cause!
FIRST LORD, CAPTAIN, and JOSEPHINE
Never mind the why and wherefore,
Love can level ranks, and therefore,
Though his lordship's station's mighty,
Though stupendous be his brain,
Though your tastes are mean and flighty
And your fortune poor and plain,
and Ring the merry bells on board-ship,
Rend the air with warbling wild,
For the union of { his } lordship
my
With a humble captain's child!
For a humble captain's daughter--
For a gallant captain's daughter--
And a lord who rules the water--
(aside). And a tar who ploughs the water!
Let the air with joy be laden,
Rend with songs the air above,
For the union of a maiden
With the man who owns her love!
Never mind the why and wherefore,
Love can level ranks, and therefore,
Though your nautical relation (alluding to CAPT.)
In my set could scarcely pass--
Though you occupy a station
In the lower middle class--
and Ring the merry bells on board-ship,
Rend the air with warbling wild,
For the union of { my } lordship
your
With a humble captain's child!
For a humble captain's daughter--
For a gallant captain's daughter--
And a lord who rules the water--
(aside). And a tar who ploughs the water!
Let the air with joy be laden,
Rend with songs the air above,
For the union of a maiden
With the man who owns her love!
Never mind the why and wherefore,
Love can level ranks, and therefore
I admit the jurisdiction;
Ably have you played your part;
You have carried firm conviction
To my hesitating heart.
and Ring the merry bells on board-ship,
Rend the air with warbling wild,
For the union of { my } lordship
his
With a humble captain's child!
For a humble captain's daughter--
For a gallant captain's daughter--
And a lord who rules the water--
(aside). And a tar who ploughs the water!
(Aloud.) Let the air with joy be laden.
and SIR JOSEPH. Ring the merry bells on board-ship--
For the union of a maiden--
and SIR JOSEPH. For her union with his lordship.
Rend with songs the air above
For the man who owns her love!
[Exit JOS.
Sir Joseph, I cannot express to you my delight at the
happy
result of your eloquence. Your argument was unanswerable.
Captain Corcoran, it is one of the happiest
characteristics
of this glorious country that official utterances are invariably
regarded
as unanswerable. [Exit SIR
At last my fond hopes are to be crowned. My only daughter
is to
be the bride of a Cabinet Minister. The prospect is Elysian.
(During this
speech DICK DEADEYE has entered.)
Captain.
Deadeye! You here? Don't! (Recoiling from him.)
Ah, don't shrink from me, Captain. I'm unpleasant to look
at, and
my name's agin me, but I ain't as bad as I seem.
What would you with me?
(mysteriously) I'm come to give you warning.
Indeed! do you propose to leave the Navy then?
No, no, you misunderstand me; listen!
Kind Captain, I've important information,
Sing hey, the kind commander that you are,
About a certain intimate relation,
Sing hey, the merry maiden and the tar.
The merry maiden and the tar.
Good fellow, in conundrums you are speaking,
Sing hey, the mystic sailor that you are;
The answer to them vainly I am seeking;
Sing hey, the merry maiden and the tar.
The merry maiden and the tar.
Kind Captain, your young lady is a-sighing,
Sing hey, the simple captain that you are,
This very might with Rackstraw to be flying;
Sing hey, the merry maiden and the tar.
The merry maiden and the tar.
Good fellow, you have given timely warning,
Sing hey, the thoughtful sailor that you are,
I'll talk to Master Rackstraw in the morning:
Sing hey, the cat-o'-nine-tails and the tar.
(Producing a
"cat".)
The merry cat-o'-nine-tails and the tar!
Dick Deadeye--I thank you for your warning--I will at
once take
means to arrest their flight. This boat cloak will afford me
ample
disguise--So! (Envelops himself in a mysterious cloak, holding it
before
his face.)
Ha, ha! They are foiled--foiled--foiled!
Enter Crew on tiptoe, with RALPH and BOATSWAIN meeting
JOSEPHINE, who
enters from cabin on tiptoe, with bundle of necessaries, and
accompanied by LITTLE BUTTERCUP.
Carefully on tiptoe stealing,
Breathing gently as we may,
Every step with caution feeling,
We will softly steal away.
(CAPTAIN stamps)--Chord.
ALL (much alarmed). Goodness me--
Why, what was that?
Silent be,
It was the cat!
(reassured). It was--it was the cat!
(producing cat-o'-nine-tails). They're right, it was the
cat!
Pull ashore, in fashion steady,
Hymen will defray the fare,
For a clergyman is ready
To unite the happy pair!
(Stamp as before, and Chord.)
Goodness me,
Why, what was that?
Silent be,
Again the cat!
It was again that cat!
(aside). They're right, it was the cat!
(throwing off cloak). Hold! (All start.)
Pretty daughter of mine,
I insist upon knowing
Where you may be going
With these sons of the brine,
For my excellent crew,
Though foes they could thump any,
Are scarcely fit company,
My daughter, for you.
Now, hark at that, do!
Though foes we could thump any,
We are scarcely fit company
For a lady like you!
Proud officer, that haughty lip uncurl!
Vain man, suppress that supercilious sneer,
For I have dared to love your matchless girl,
A fact well known to all my messmates here!
Oh, horror!
{ I } humble, poor, and lowly born,
He
The meanest in the port division--
The butt of epauletted scorn--
The mark of quarter-deck derision--
Have } dare to raise { my } wormy eyes
Has his
Above the dust to which you'd mould { me
him
In manhood's glorious pride to rise,
I am } an Englishman--behold { me
He is him
He is an Englishman!
He is an Englishman!
For he himself has said it,
And it's greatly to his credit,
That he is an Englishman!
That he is an Englishman!
For he might have been a Roosian,
A French, or Turk, or Proosian,
Or perhaps Itali-an!
Or perhaps Itali-an!
But in spite of all temptations
To belong to other nations,
He remains an Englishman!
For in spite of all temptations, etc.
(trying to repress his anger).
In uttering a reprobation
To any British tar,
I try to speak with moderation,
But you have gone too far.
I'm very sorry to disparage
A humble foremast lad,
But to seek your captain's child in marriage,
Why damme, it's too bad
[During this, COUSIN HEBE and FEMALE RELATIVES have entered.
ALL (shocked). Oh!
Yes, damme, it's too bad!
Oh!
and DICK DEADEYE. Yes, damme, it s too bad.
[During this, SIR JOSEPH has appeared on poop-deck. He is
horrified
at the bad language.
Did you hear him? Did you hear him?
Oh, the monster overbearing!
Don't go near him--don't go near him--
He is swearing--he is swearing!
My pain and my distress,
I find it is not easy to express;
My amazement--my surprise--
You may learn from the expression of my eyes!
My lord--one word--the facts are not before
you
The word was injudicious, I allow--
But hear my explanation, I implore you,
And you will be indignant too, I vow!
I will hear of no defence,
Attempt none if you're sensible.
That word of evil sense
Is wholly indefensible.
Go, ribald, get you hence
To your cabin with celerity.
This is the consequence
Of ill-advised asperity
[Exit CAPTAIN, disgraced, followed by
This is the consequence,
Of ill-advised asperity!
For I'll teach you all, ere long,
To refrain from language strong
For I haven't any sympathy for ill-bred
taunts!
No more have his sisters, nor his cousins,
nor his
aunts.
For he is an Englishman, etc.
Now, tell me, my fine fellow--for you are a fine
fellow--
Yes, your honour.
How came your captain so far to forget himself? I
am quite
sure you had given him no cause for annoyance.
RALPH, Please your honour, it was thus-wise. You see I'm only a
topman-
-a mere foremast hand--
Don't be ashamed of that. Your position as a topman
is a
very exalted one.
Well, your honour, love burns as brightly in the
fo'c'sle as it
does on the quarter-deck, and Josephine is the fairest bud that
ever
blossomed upon the tree of a poor fellow's wildest hopes.
Enter JOSEPHINE; she rushes to RALPH'S arms
Darling! (SIR JOSEPH horrified.)
She is the figurehead of my ship of life--the bright
beacon that
guides me into my port of happiness--that the rarest, the purest
gem that
ever sparkled on a poor but worthy fellow's trusting brow!
Very pretty, very pretty!
Insolent sailor, you shall repent this outrage.
Seize him!
(Two Marines seize him and handcuff him.)
Oh, Sir Joseph, spare him, for I love him tenderly.
Pray, don't. I will teach this presumptuous mariner
to
discipline his affections. Have you such a thing as a dungeon on
board?
We have!
They have!
Then load him with chains and take him there at
once!
Farewell, my own,
Light of my life, farewell!
For crime unknown
I go to a dungeon cell.
I will atone.
In the meantime farewell!
And all alone
Rejoice in your dungeon cell!
A bone, a bone
I'll pick with this sailor fell;
Let him be shown at once
At once to his dungeon cell.
BOATSWAIN, DICK DEADEYE, and COUSIN HEBE
He'll hear no tone
Of the maiden he loves so well!
No telephone
Communicates with his cell!
(mysteriously). But when is known
The secret I have to tell,
Wide will be thrown
The door of his dungeon cell.
For crime unknown
He goes to a dungeon cell!
[RALPH is led off in
custody.
My pain and my distress
Again it is not easy to express.
My amazement, my surprise,
Again you may discover from my eyes.
How terrible the aspect of his eyes!
Hold! Ere upon your loss
You lay much stress,
A long-concealed crime
I would confess.
A many years ago,
When I was young and charming,
As some of you may know,
I practised baby-farming.
Now this is most alarming!
When she was young and charming,
She practised baby-farming,
A many years ago.
Two tender babes I nursed:
One was of low condition,
The other, upper crust,
A regular patrician.
ALL (explaining to each other).
Now, this is the position:
One was of low condition,
The other a patrician,
A many years ago.
Oh, bitter is my cup!
However could I do it?
I mixed those children up,
And not a creature knew it!
However could you do it?
Some day, no doubt, you'll rue it,
Although no creature knew it,
So many years ago.
In time each little waif
Forsook his foster-mother,
The well born babe was Ralph--
Your captain was the other!!!
They left their foster-mother,
The one was Ralph, our brother,
Our captain was the other,
A many years ago.
Then I am to understand that Captain Corcoran and
Ralph
were exchanged in childhood's happy hour--that Ralph is really
the
Captain, and the Captain is Ralph?
That is the idea I intended to convey, officially!
And very well you have conveyed it.
Aye! aye! yer 'onour.
Dear me! Let them appear before me, at once!
[RALPH. enters as CAPTAIN; CAPTAIN as a common sailor. JOSEPHINE
rushes
to his arms
My father--a common sailor!
It is hard, is it not, my dear?
This is a very singular occurrence; I congratulate
you
both. (To RALPH.) Desire that remarkably fine seaman to step
forward.
Corcoran. Three paces to the front--march!
If what?
If what? I don't think I understand you.
If you please.
The gentleman is quite right. If you please.
Oh! If you please. (CAPTAIN steps forward.)
SIR JOSEPH (to CAPTAIN).You are an extremely fine fellow.
Yes, your honour.
So it seems that you were Ralph, and Ralph was you.
SO it seems, your honour.
Well, I need not tell you that after this change in
your
condition, a marriage with your daughter will be out of the
question.
Don't say that, your honour--love levels all ranks.
It does to a considerable extent, but it does not
level
them as much as that. (Handing JOSEPHINE to RALPH.) Here -- take
her,
sir, and mind you treat her kindly.
Oh bliss, oh rapture!
Oh rapture, oh bliss!
Sad my lot and sorry,
What shall I do? I cannot live alone!
Fear nothing--while I live I'll not desert you.
I'll soothe and comfort your declining days.
No, don't do that.
Yes, but indeed I'd rather--
SIR JOSEPH (resigned). To-morrow morn our vows shall all be
plighted,
Three loving pairs on the same day united!
JOSEPHINE, HEBE, RALPH, and DEADEYE
Oh joy, oh rapture unforeseen,
The clouded sky is now serene,
The god of day--the orb of love,
Has hung his ensign high above,
The sky is all ablaze.
With wooing words and loving song,
We'll chase the lagging hours along,
And if { he finds } the maiden coy,
I find
We'll murmur forth decorous joy,
In dreamy roundelay.
For he's the Captain of the Pinafore.
And a right good captain too!
And though before my fall
I was captain of you all,
I'm a member of the crew.
Although before his fall, etc.
I shall marry with a wife,
In my humble rank of life! (turning to BUT.)
And you, my own, are she--
I must wander to and fro;
But wherever I may go,
I shall never be untrue to thee!
What, never?
No, never!
What, never!
Hardly ever!
Hardly ever be untrue to thee.
Then give three cheers, and one cheer more
For the former Captain of the Pinafore.
For he loves Little Buttercup, dear Little
Buttercup,
Though I could never tell why;
But still he loves Buttercup, poor Little
Buttercup,
Sweet Little Buttercup, aye!
For he loves, etc.
I'm the monarch of the sea,
And when I've married thee (to HEBE),
I'll be true to the devotion that my love
implants,
Then good-bye to his sisters, and his
cousins,
and his aunts,
Especially his cousins,
Whom he reckons up by dozens,
His sisters, and his cousins, and his aunts!
For he is an Englishman,
And he himself hath said it,
And it's greatly to his credit
That he is an Englishman!
or, The Slave of Duty
MAJOR-GENERAL STANLEY
THE PIRATE KING
SAMUEL (his Lieutenant)
SERGEANT OF POLICE
MABEL, EDITH, KATE, and ISABEL (General Stanley's Daughters)
(a Pirate Maid of all Work)
Chorus of Pirates, Police, and General Stanley's Daughters
A rocky sea-shore on the coast of Cornwall
A ruined chapel by moonlight
First produced at the Opera Comique on April 3, 1880
(Scene.-A rocky seashore on the coast of Cornwall. In the
distance is a calm sea, on which a schooner is lying at anchor.
Rock L. sloping down to L.C. of stage. Under these rocks is a
cavern, the entrance to which is seen at first entrance L. A
natural arch of rock occupies the R.C. of the stage. As the
curtain rises groups of pirates are discovered -- some drinking,
some playing cards. SAMUEL, the Pirate Lieutenant, is going from
one group to another, filling the cups from a flask. FREDERIC is
seated in a despondent attitude at the back of the scene. RUTH
kneels at his feet.)
Pour, O pour the pirate sherry;
Fill, O fill the pirate glass;
And, to make us more than merry
Let the pirate bumper pass.
For today our pirate 'prentice
Rises from indentures freed;
Strong his arm, and keen his scent is
He's a pirate now indeed!
Here's good luck to Fred'ric's ventures!
Fred'ric's out of his indentures.
Two and twenty, now he's rising,
And alone he's fit to fly,
Which we're bent on signalizing
With unusual revelry.
Here's good luck to Fred'ric's ventures!
Fred'ric's out of his indentures.
Pour, O pour the pirate sherry;
Fill, O fill the pirate glass;
And, to make us more than merry
Let the pirate bumper pass.
(FREDERIC rises and comes forward with PIRATE KING, who enters)
Yes, Frederic, from to-day you rank as a full-blown
member of our band.
Hurrah!
My friends, I thank you all, from my heart, for your
kindly wishes. Would that I could repay them as they
deserve!
What do you mean?
To-day I am out of my indentures, and to-day I leave
you for ever.
But this is quite unaccountable; a keener hand at
scuttling a Cunarder or cutting out a White Star never
shipped a handspike.
Yes, I have done my best for you. And why? It was my
duty under my indentures, and I am the slave of duty.
As a child I was regularly apprenticed to your band.
It was through an error -- no matter, the mistake was
ours, not yours, and I was in honour bound by it.
An error? What error? (RUTH rises and comes forward)
I may not tell you; it would reflect upon my well-loved
Ruth.
Nay, dear master, my mind has long been gnawed by the
cankering tooth of mystery. Better have it out at
once.
When Frederic was a little lad he proved so brave and
daring,
His father thought he'd 'prentice him to some career
seafaring.
I was, alas! his nurs'rymaid, and so it fell to my lot
To take and bind the promising boy apprentice to a
pilot --
A life not bad for a hardy lad, though surely not a
high lot,
Though I'm a nurse, you might do worse than make your
boy a pilot.
I was a stupid nurs'rymaid, on breakers always
steering,
And I did not catch the word aright, through being hard
of hearing;
Mistaking my instructions, which within my brain did
gyrate,
I took and bound this promising boy apprentice to a
pirate.
A sad mistake it was to make and doom him to a vile
lot.
I bound him to a pirate -- you! -- instead of to a
pilot.
I soon found out, beyond all doubt, the scope of this
disaster,
But I hadn't the face to return to my place, and break
it to my master.
A nurs'rymaid is not afraid of what you people call
work,
So I made up my mind to go as a kind of piratical maid-
of-all-work.
And that is how you find me now, a member of your shy
lot,
Which you wouldn't have found, had he been bound
apprentice to a pilot.
Oh, pardon! Frederic, pardon! (Kneels)
Rise, sweet one, I have long pardoned you. (Ruth
rises)
The two words were so much alike!
They were. They still are, though years have rolled
over their heads. But this afternoon my obligation
ceases. Individually, I love you all with affection
unspeakable; but, collectively, I look upon you with a
disgust that amounts to absolute detestation. Oh! pity
me, my beloved friends, for such is my sense of duty
that, once out of my indentures, I shall feel myself
bound to devote myself heart and soul to your
extermination!
Poor lad -- poor lad! (All weep)
Well, Frederic, if you conscientiously feel that it is
your duty to destroy us, we cannot blame you for acting
on that conviction. Always act in accordance with the
dictates of your conscience, my boy, and chance the
consequences.
Besides, we can offer you but little temptation to
remain with us. We don't seem to make piracy pay. I'm
sure I don't know why, but we don't.
I know why, but, alas! I mustn't tell you; it wouldn't
be right.
Why not, my boy? It's only half-past eleven, and you
are one of us until the clock strikes twelve.
True, and until then you are bound to protect our
interests.
Hear, hear!
Well, then, it is my duty, as a pirate, to tell you
that you are too tender-hearted. For instance, you
make a point of never attacking a weaker party than
yourselves, and when you attack a stronger party you
invariably get thrashed.
There is some truth in that.
Then, again, you make a point of never molesting an
orphan!
Of course: we are orphans ourselves, and know what it
is.
Yes, but it has got about, and what is the consequence?
Every one we capture says he's an orphan. The last
three ships we took proved to be manned entirely by
orphans, and so we had to let them go. One would think
that Great Britain's mercantile navy was recruited
solely from her orphan asylums -- which we know is not
the case.
But, hang it all! you wouldn't have us absolutely
merciless?
There's my difficulty; until twelve o'clock I would,
after twelve I wouldn't. Was ever a man placed in so
delicate a situation?
And Ruth, your own Ruth, whom you love so well, and who
has won her middle-aged way into your boyish heart,
what is to become of her?
Oh, he will take you with him.
Well, Ruth, I feel some difficulty about you. It is
true that I admire you very much, but I have been
constantly at sea since I was eight years old, and
yours is the only woman's face I have seen during that
time. I think it is a sweet face.
It is -- oh, it is!
I say I think it is; that is my impression. But as I
have never had an opportunity of comparing you with
other women, it is just possible I may be mistaken.
True.
What a terrible thing it would be if I were to marry
this innocent person, and then find out that she is, on
the whole, plain!
Oh, Ruth is very well, very well indeed.
Yes, there are the remains of a fine woman about Ruth.
Do you really think so?
I do.
Then I will not be so selfish as to take her from you.
In justice to her, and in consideration for you, I will
leave her behind. (Hands RUTH to KING)
No, Frederic, this must not be. We are rough men, who
lead a rough life, but we are not so utterly heartless
as to deprive thee of thy love. I think I am right in
saying that there is not one here who would rob thee of
this inestimable treasure for all the world holds dear.
(loudly) Not one!
No, I thought there wasn't. Keep thy love, Frederic,
keep thy love. (Hands her back to FREDERIC)
You're very good, I'm sure. (Exit RUTH)
Well, it's the top of the tide, and we must be off.
Farewell, Frederic. When your process of extermination
begins, let our deaths be as swift and painless as you
can conveniently make them.
I will! By the love I have for you, I swear it! Would
that you could render this extermination unnecessary by
accompanying me back to civilization!
No, Frederic, it cannot be. I don't think much of our
profession, but, contrasted with respectability, it is
comparatively honest. No, Frederic, I shall live and
die a Pirate King.
Oh, better far to live and die
Under the brave black flag I fly,
Than play a sanctimonious part
With a pirate head and a pirate heart.
Away to the cheating world go you,
Where pirates all are well-to-do;
But I'll be true to the song I sing,
And live and die a Pirate King.
For I am a Pirate King!
And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Pirate King!
For I am a Pirate King!
You are!
Hurrah for the Pirate King!
And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Pirate King.
It is!
Hurrah for the Pirate King!
Hurrah for the Pirate King!
When I sally forth to seek my prey
I help myself in a royal way.
I sink a few more ships, it's true,
Than a well-bred monarch ought to do;
But many a king on a first-class throne,
If he wants to call his crown his own,
Must manage somehow to get through
More dirty work than e'er I do,
For I am a Pirate King!
And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Pirate King!
For I am a Pirate King!
You are!
Hurrah for the Pirate King!
And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Pirate King.
It is!
Hurrah for the Pirate King!
Hurrah for the Pirate King!
(Exeunt all except FREDERIC. Enter RUTH.)
Oh, take me with you! I cannot live if I am left
behind.
Ruth, I will be quite candid with you. You are very
dear to me, as you know, but I must be circumspect.
You see, you are considerably older than I. A lad of
twenty-one usually looks for a wife of seventeen.
A wife of seventeen! You will find me a wife of a
thousand!
No, but I shall find you a wife of forty-seven, and
that is quite enough. Ruth, tell me candidly and
without reserve: compared with other women, how are
you?
I will answer you truthfully, master: I have a slight
cold, but otherwise I am quite well.
I am sorry for your cold, but I was referring rather to
your personal appearance. Compared with other women,
are you beautiful?
(bashfully) I have been told so, dear master.
Ah, but lately?
Oh, no; years and years ago.
What do you think of yourself?
It is a delicate question to answer, but I think I am a
fine woman.
That is your candid opinion?
Yes, I should be deceiving you if I told you otherwise.
Thank you, Ruth. I believe you, for I am sure you
would not practice on my inexperience. I wish to do
the right thing, and if- I say if- you are really a
fine woman, your age shall be no obstacle to our union!
(Shakes hands with her. Chorus of girls heard in the
distance, "climbing over rocky mountain," etc.) Hark!
Surely I hear voices! Who has ventured to approach our
all but inaccessible lair? Can it be Custom House? No,
it does not sound like Custom House.
(aside) Confusion! it is the voices of young girls!
If he should see them I am lost.
(looking off) By all that's marvellous, a bevy of
beautiful maidens!
(aside) Lost! lost! lost!
How lovely, how surpassingly lovely is the plainest of
them! What grace- what delicacy- what refinement! And
Ruth-- Ruth told me she was beautiful!
Oh, false one, you have deceived me!
I have deceived you?
Yes, deceived me!
(Denouncing her.)
You told me you were fair as gold!
(wildly) And, master, am I not so?
And now I see you're plain and old.
I'm sure I'm not a jot so.
Upon my innocence you play.
I'm not the one to plot so.
Your face is lined, your hair is grey.
It's gradually got so.
Faithless woman, to deceive me,
I who trusted so!
Master, master, do not leave me!
Hear me, ere you go!
My love without reflecting,
Oh, do not be rejecting!
Take a maiden tender, her affection raw and green,
At very highest rating,
Has been accumulating
Summers seventeen, summers seventeen.
Don't, beloved master,
Crush me with disaster.
What is such a dower to the dower I have here?
My love unabating
Has been accumulating
Forty-seven year--forty-seven year!
Don't, beloved master, Yes, your former master
Crush me with disaster. Saves you from disaster.
What is such a dower to the Your love would be uncomfortably
dower I have here fervid, it is clear
My love unabating If, as you are stating
Has been accumulating It's been accumulating
Forty-seven year, forty-seven Forty-seven year--forty-seven year!
year! Faithless woman to deceive me, I
who trusted so!
Master, master, do not leave Faithless woman to deceive me, I
me, hear me, ere I go! who trusted so!
What shall I do? Before these gentle maidens
I dare not show in this alarming costume!
No, no, I must remain in close concealment
Until I can appear in decent clothing!
(Hides in cave as they enter climbing over the rocks and through
arched rock)
Climbing over rocky mountain,
Skipping rivulet and fountain,
Passing where the willows quiver,
Passing where the willows quiver
By the ever-rolling river,
Swollen with the summer rain, the summer rain
Threading long and leafy mazes
Dotted with unnumbered daisies,
Dotted, dotted with unnumbered daisies,
Scaling rough and rugged passes,
Climb the hardy little lasses,
Till the bright sea-shore they gain;
Scaling rough and rugged passes,
Climb the hardy little lasses,
Till the bright sea-shore they gain!
Let us gaily tread the measure,
Make the most of fleeting leisure,
Hail it as a true ally,
Though it perish by-and-by.
Hail it as a true ally,
Though it perish by-and-by.
Every moment brings a treasure
Of its own especial pleasure;
Though the moments quickly die,
Greet them gaily as they fly,
Greet them gaily as they fly.
Though the moments quickly die,
Greet them gaily as they fly.
Far away from toil and care,
Revelling in fresh sea-air,
Here we live and reign alone
In a world that's all our own.
Here, in this our rocky den,
Far away from mortal men,
We'll be queens, and make decrees--
They may honour them who please.
We'll be queens, and make decrees--
They may honour them who please.
Let us gaily tread the measure, etc.
What a picturesque spot! I wonder where we are!
And I wonder where Papa is. We have left him ever so
far behind.
Oh, he will be here presently! Remember poor Papa is
not as young as we are, and we came over a rather
difficult country.
But how thoroughly delightful it is to be so entirely
alone! Why, in all probability we are the first human
beings who ever set foot on this enchanting spot.
Except the mermaids--it's the very place for mermaids.
Who are only human beings down to the waist--
And who can't be said strictly to set foot anywhere.
Tails they may, but feet they cannot.
But what shall we do until Papa and the servants arrive
with the luncheon?
We are quite alone, and the sea is as smooth as glass.
Suppose we take off our shoes and stockings and paddle?
Yes, yes! The very thing! (They prepare to carry, out
the suggestion. They have all taken off one shoe, when
FREDERIC comes forward from cave.)
(recitative). Stop, ladies, pray!
(Hopping on one foot) A man!
I had intended
Not to intrude myself upon your notice
In this effective but alarming costume;
But under these peculiar circumstances,
It is my bounden duty to inform you
That your proceedings will not be unwitnessed!
But who are you, sir? Speak! (All hopping)
I am a pirate!
(recoiling, hopping) A pirate! Horror!
Ladies, do not shun me!
This evening I renounce my vile profession;
And, to that end, O pure and peerless maidens!
Oh, blushing buds of ever-blooming beauty!
I, sore at heart, implore your kind assistance.
How pitiful his tale!
How rare his beauty
How pitiful his tale! How rare his beauty!
Oh, is there not one maiden breast
Which does not feel the moral beauty
Of making worldly interest
Subordinate to sense of duty?
Who would not give up willingly
All matrimonial ambition,
To rescue such a one as I
From his unfortunate position?
From his position,
To rescue such an one as I
From his unfortunate position?
Alas! there's not one maiden breast
Which seems to feel the moral beauty
Of making worldly interest
Subordinate to sense of duty!
Oh, is there not one maiden here
Whose homely face and bad complexion
Have caused all hope to disappear
Of ever winning man's affection?
Of such a one, if such there be,
I swear by Heaven's arch above you,
If you will cast your eyes on me,
However plain you be, I'll love you,
However plain you be,
If you will cast your eyes on me,
However plain you be I'll love you,
I'll love you, I'll love, I'll love you!
Alas! there's not one maiden here
Whose homely face and bad complexion
Have caused all hope to disappear
Of ever winning man's affection!
(in despair) Not one?
No, no-- not one!
Not one?
No, no!
(enters through arch) Yes, one!
Yes, one!
'Tis Mabel!
Yes, 'tis Mabel!
Oh, sisters, deaf to pity's name,
For shame!
It's true that he has gone astray,
But pray
Is that a reason good and true
Why you
Should all be deaf to pity's name?
(aside): The question is, had he not been
A thing of beauty,
Would she be swayed by quite as keen
A sense of duty?
For shame, for shame, for shame!
Poor wand'ring one!
Though thou hast surely strayed,
Take heart of grace,
Thy steps retrace,
Poor wand'ring one!
Poor wand'ring one!
If such poor love as mine
Can help thee find
True peace of mind-
Why, take it, it is thine!
Take heart, no danger low'rs;
Take any heart but ours!
Take heart, fair days will shine;
Take any heart--take mine!
Take heart; no danger low'rs;
Take any heart-but ours!
Take heart, fair days will shine;
Take any heart--take mine!
Poor wand'ring one!, etc.
(MABEL and FREDERIC go to mouth of cave and converse. EDITH
beckons her sisters, who form a semicircle around her.)
What ought we to do,
Gentle sisters, say?
Propriety, we know,
Says we ought to stay;
While sympathy exclaims,
"Free them from your tether--
Play at other games--
Leave them here together."
Her case may, any day,
Be yours, my dear, or mine.
Let her make her hay
While the sun doth shine.
Let us compromise
(Our hearts are not of leather):
Let us shut our eyes
And talk about the weather.
Yes, yes, let's talk about the weather.
Chattering chorus
How beautifully blue the sky,
The glass is rising very high,
Continue fine I hope it may,
And yet it rained but yesterday.
To-morrow it may pour again
(I hear the country wants some rain),
Yet people say, I know not why,
That we shall have a warm July.
To-morrow it may pour again
(I hear the country wants some rain),
Yet people say, I know not why,
That we shall have a warm July.
Enter MABEL and FREDERIC
.During MABEL's solo the GIRLS continue chatter pianissimo, but
listening eagerly all the time.
Did ever maiden wake
From dream of homely duty,
To find her daylight break
With such exceeding beauty?
Did ever maiden close
Her eyes on waking sadness,
To dream of such exceeding gladness?
Ah, yes! ah, yes! this is exceeding gladness
How beautifully blue the sky, etc.
.During this, GIRLS continue their chatter pianissimo as before,
but listening intently all the time.
Did ever pirate roll
His soul in guilty dreaming,
And wake to find that soul
With peace and virtue beaming?
Did ever pirate Did ever maiden wake How beautifully blue
loathed From dream of homely the sky, etc.
Forsake his hideous duty,
mission To find her daylight
To find himself break
betrothed With such exceeding
To lady of position? beauty?
Stay, we must not lose our senses;
Men who stick at no offences
Will anon be here!
Piracy their dreadful trade is;
Pray you, get you hence, young ladies,
While the coast is clear
(FREDERIC and MABEL retire)
No, we must not lose our senses,
If they stick at no offences
We should not be here!
Piracy their dreadful trade is--
Nice companions for young ladies!
Let us disap--.
(During this chorus the PIRATES have entered stealthily, and
formed in a semicircle behind the GIRLS As the GIRLS move
to go off, each PIRATE seizes a GIRL. KING seizes EDITH and
ISABEL, SAMUEL seizes KATE.)
Too late!
Ha, ha!
Too late!
Ho, ho!
Ha, ha, ha, ha! Ho, ho, ho, ho!
(Pirates pass in front of (Girls pass in front of
Girls.) Pirates.)
Here's a first-rate opportunity We have missed our opportunity
To get married with impunity, Of escaping with impunity;
And indulge in the felicity So farewell to the felicity
Of unbounded domesticity. Of our maiden domesticity!
You shall quickly be We shall quickly be
parsonified, parsonified,
Conjugally matrimonified, Conjugally matrimonified,
By a doctor of divinity By a doctor of divinity,
Who is located in this Who is located in this
vicinity. vicinity.
By a doctor of divinity, By a doctor of divinity,
Who resides in this vicinity, Who resides in this vicinity,
By a doctor, a doctor, a doctor By a doctor, a doctor, a doctor
of divinity, of divinity. of divinity, of divinity.
(coming forward) Hold, monsters! Ere your pirate
caravanserai
Proceed, against our will, to wed us all,
Just bear in mind that we are Wards in Chancery,
And father is a Major-General!
(cowed) We'd better pause, or danger may befall,
Their father is a Major-General.
Yes, yes; he is a Major-General!
(The MAJOR-GENERAL has entered unnoticed, on the rock)
Yes, yes, I am a Major-General!
For he is a Major-General!
He is! Hurrah for the Major-General!
And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Major-General!
It is! Hurrah for the Major-General!
Hurrah for the Major-General!
I am the very model of a modern Major-General,
I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights
historical
From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical;
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters
mathematical,
I understand equations, both the simple and
quadratical,
About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news,
With many cheerful facts about the square of the
hypotenuse.
With many cheerful facts, etc.
I'm very good at integral and differential calculus;
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major-General.
I know our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir
Caradoc's;
I answer hard acrostics, I've a pretty taste for
paradox,
I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus,
In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous;
I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and
Zoffanies,
I know the croaking chorus from the Frogs of
Aristophanes!
Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's
din afore,
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense
Pinafore.
And whistle all the airs, etc.
Then I can write a washing bill in
Babylonic cuneiform,
And tell you ev'ry detail of Caractacus's uniform:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major-General.
In fact, when I know what is meant by "mamelon" and
"ravelin",
When I can tell at sight a Mauser rifle from a javelin,
When such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more
wary at,
And when I know precisely what is meant by
"commissariat",
When I have learnt what progress has been made in
modern gunnery,
When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery-
-
In short, when I've a smattering of elemental strategy,
You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee.
You'll say a better Major-General, etc.
For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and
adventury,
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the
century;
But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major-General.
And now that I've introduced myself, I should like to
have some idea of what's going on.
Oh, Papa-- we---
Permit me, I'll explain in two words: we propose to
marry your daughters.
Dear me!
Against our wills, Papa--against our wills!
Oh, but you mustn't do that! May I ask-- this is a
picturesque uniform, but I'm not familiar with it.
What are you?
We are all single gentlemen.
Yes, I gathered that. Anything else?
No, nothing else.
Papa, don't believe them; they are pirates-- the
famous Pirates of Penzance!
The Pirates of Penzance! I have often heard of them.
All except this gentleman (indicating FREDERIC), who
was a pirate once, but who is out of his indentures to-
day, and who means to lead a blameless life evermore.
But wait a bit. I object to pirates as sons-in-law.
We object to major-generals as fathers-in-law. But we
waive that point. We do not press it. We look over it.
(aside) Hah! an idea! (aloud) And do you mean to say
that you would deliberately rob me of these, the sole
remaining props of my old age, and leave me to go
through the remainder of my life unfriended,
unprotected, and alone?
Well, yes, that's the idea.
Tell me, have you ever known what it is to be an
orphan?
(disgusted) Oh, dash it all!
Here we are again!
I ask you, have you ever known what it is to be an
orphan?
Often!
Yes, orphan. Have you ever known what it is to be one?
I say, often.
(disgusted) Often, often, often. (Turning away)
I don't think we quite understand one another. I ask
you, have you ever known what it is to be an orphan,
and you say "orphan". As I understand you, you are
merely repeating the word "orphan" to show that you
understand me.
I didn't repeat the word often.
Pardon me, you did indeed.
I only repeated it once.
True, but you repeated it.
But not often.
Stop! I think I see where we are getting confused.
When you said "orphan", did you mean "orphan",a person
who has lost his parents, or "often", frequently?
Ah! I beg pardon-- I see what you mean -- frequently.
Ah! you said "often", frequently.
No, only once.
(irritated) Exactly-- you said "often", frequently,
only once.
Oh, men of dark and dismal fate,
Forgo your cruel employ,
Have pity on my lonely state,
I am an orphan boy!
KING/SAMUEL: An orphan boy?
An orphan boy!
How sad, an orphan boy.
These children whom you see
Are all that I can call my own!
Poor fellow!
Take them away from me,
And I shall be indeed alone.
Poor fellow!
If pity you can feel,
Leave me my sole remaining joy--
See, at your feet they kneel;
Your hearts you cannot steel
Against the sad, sad tale of the lonely orphan boy!
(sobbing) Poor fellow!
See at our feet they kneel;
Our hearts we cannot steel
Against the sad, sad tale of the lonely orphan boy!
The orphan boy!
add KING: The orphan boy!
See at our feet they kneel;
Our hearts we cannot steel
Against the tale of the lonely orphan boy!
Poor fellow!
(aside)
I'm telling a terrible He is telling a terrible If he's telling
a
story story, terrible
story
But it doesn't diminish Which will tend to He shall die by
a death
my glory; diminish his that is gory
For they would have glory; Yes, one of the
taken my daughters Though they would have cruellest
Over the billowy waters, taken his slaughters
daughters That ever were
known in
Over the billowy waters, these
waters;
If I hadn't, in elegant It is easy, in elegant It is easy, in
elegant
diction, diction. diction,
Indulged in an innocent To call it an innocent To call it an
innocent
fiction, fiction, fiction
Which is not in the same But it comes in the same But it comes in
the same
category category category
As a regular terrible As telling a regular As telling a
regular
story. terrible story. terrible
story.
Although our dark career
Sometimes involves the crime of stealing,
We rather think that we're
Not altogether void of feeling.
Although we live by strife,
We're always sorry to begin it,
For what, we ask, is life
Without a touch of Poetry in it?
(all kneel)
Hail, Poetry, thou heav'n-born maid!
Thou gildest e'en the pirate's trade.
Hail, flowing fount of sentiment!
All hail, all hail, divine emollient!
(all rise)
You may go, for you're at liberty, our pirate rules
protect you,
And honorary members of our band we do elect you!
For he is an orphan boy!
He is! Hurrah for the orphan boy!
And it sometimes is a useful thing
To be an orphan boy.
It is! Hurrah for the orphan boy!
Hurrah for the orphan boy!
Oh, happy day, with joyous glee
They will away and married be!
Should it befall auspiciously,
Her (Our) sisters all will bridesmaids be!
(RUTH enters and comes down to FREDERIC)
Oh, master, hear one word, I do implore you!
Remember Ruth, your Ruth, who kneels before you!
Yes, yes, remember Ruth, who kneels before you!
Away, you did deceive me!
(Threatening RUTH) Away, you did deceive him!
Oh, do not leave me!
Oh, do not leave her!
Away, you grieve me!
Away, you grieve him!
I wish you'd leave me! (FREDERIC casts RUTH from him)
We wish you'd leave him!
Pray observe the magnanimity Pray observe the magnanimity
We display to lace and dimity! They display to lace and
dimity!
Never was such opportunity Never was such opportunity
To get married with impunity, To get married with impunity,
But we give up the felicity But they give up the felicity
Of unbounded domesticity, Of unbounded domesticity,
Though a doctor of divinity Though a doctor of divinity
Is located in this vicinity. Is located in this vicinity.
(GIRLS and MAJOR-GENERAL go up rocks, while PIRATES indulge in a
wild dance of delight on stage. The MAJOR-GENERAL produces
a British flag, and the PIRATE KING, in arched rock,
produces a black flag with skull and crossbones. Enter
RUTH, who makes a final appeal to FREDERIC, who casts her
from him.)
(Scene.-A ruined chapel by moonlight. Aisles C., R. and L.,
divided by pillars and arches, ruined Gothic windows at
back. MAJOR-GENERAL STANLEY discovered seated R.C.
pensively, surrounded by his daughters.)
Oh, dry the glist'ning tear
That dews that martial cheek,
Thy loving children hear,
In them thy comfort seek.
With sympathetic care
Their arms around thee creep,
For oh, they cannot bear
To see their father weep!
(Enter MABEL)
Dear father, why leave your bed
At this untimely hour,
When happy daylight is dead,
And darksome dangers low'r?
See, heav'n has lit her lamp,
The midnight hour is past,
And the chilly night-air is damp,
And the dews are falling fast!
Dear father, why leave your bed
When happy daylight is dead?
Oh, dry the glist'ning tear, etc.
(FREDERIC enters)
Oh, Frederic, cannot you, in the calm excellence of
your wisdom, reconcile it with your conscience to say
something that will relieve my father's sorrow?
I will try, dear Mabel. But why does he sit, night
after night, in this draughty old ruin?
Why do I sit here? To escape from the pirates'
clutches, I described myself as an orphan; and, heaven
help me, I am no orphan! I come here to humble myself
before the tombs of my ancestors, and to implore their
pardon for having brought dishonour on the family
escutcheon.
But you forget, sir, you only bought the property a
year ago, and the stucco on your baronial castle is
scarcely dry.
Frederic, in this chapel are ancestors: you cannot deny
that. With the estate, I bought the chapel and its
contents. I don't know whose ancestors they were, but
I know whose ancestors they are, and I shudder to think
that their descendant by purchase (if I may so describe
myself) should have brought disgrace upon what, I have
no doubt, was an unstained escutcheon.
Be comforted. Had you not acted as you did, these
reckless men would assuredly have called in the nearest
clergyman, and have married your large family on the
spot.
I thank you for your proffered solace, but it is
unavailing. I assure you, Frederic, that such is the
anguish and remorse I feel at the abominable falsehood
by which I escaped these easily deluded pirates, that I
would go to their simple-minded chief this very night
and confess all, did I not fear that the consequences
would be most disastrous to myself. At what time does
your expedition march against these scoundrels?
At eleven, and before midnight I hope to have atoned
for my involuntary association with the pestilent
scourges by sweeping them from the face of the earth--
and then, dear Mabel, you will be mine!
Are your devoted followers at hand?
They are, they only wait my orders.
Then, Frederic, let your escort lion-hearted
Be summoned to receive a gen'ral's blessing,
Ere they depart upon their dread adventure.
Dear, sir, they come.
(Enter POLICE, marching in single file. They form in line, facing
audience.)
When the foeman bares his steel,
Tarantara! tarantara!
We uncomfortable feel,
Tarantara!
And we find the wisest thing,
Tarantara! tarantara!
Is to slap our chests and sing,
Tarantara!
For when threatened with -meutes,
Tarantara! tarantara!
And your heart is in your boots,
Tarantara!
There is nothing brings it round
Like the trumpet's martial sound,
Like the trumpet's martial sound
Tarantara! tarantara!, etc.
Go, ye heroes, go to glory,
Though you die in combat gory,
Ye shall live in song and story.
Go to immortality!
Go to death, and go to slaughter;
Die, and every Cornish daughter
With her tears your grave shall water.
Go, ye heroes, go and die!
Go, ye heroes, go and die! Go, ye heroes, go and die!
Though to us it's evident,
Tarantara! tarantara!
These attentions are well meant,
Tarantara!
Such expressions don't appear,
Tarantara! tarantara!
Calculated men to cheer
Tarantara!
Who are going to meet their fate
In a highly nervous state.
Tarantara! tarantara! tarantara!
Still to us it's evident
These attentions are well meant.
Tarantara! tarantara! tarantara!
Go and do your best endeavour,
And before all links we sever,
We will say farewell for-ever.
Go to glory and the grave!
For your foes are fierce and ruthless,
False, unmerciful, and truthless;
Young and tender, old and toothless,
All in vain their mercy crave.
We observe too great a stress,
On the risks that on us press,
And of reference a lack
To our chance of coming back.
Still, perhaps it would be wise
Not to carp or criticise,
For it's very evident
These attentions are well meant.
Yes, it's very evident
These attentions are well meant,
Evident, yes, well meant, evident
Ah, yes, well meant!
Chorus of all but Police Chorus of Police
Go and do your best endeavour, Such expressions don't
appear,
And before all links we sever Tarantara,
tarantara!
We will say farewell for ever. Calculated men to cheer,
Go to glory and the grave! Tarantara!
For your foes and fierce and Who are going to their fate,
ruthless, Tarantara,
tarantara!
False, unmerciful, and In a highly nervous state--
truthless. Tarantara!
Young and tender, old and We observe too great a
stress,
toothless, Tarantara,
tarantara!
All in vain their mercy crave. On the risks that on us
press,
Tarantara!
And of reference a lack,
Tarantara,
tarantara!
To our chance of coming back,
Tarantara!
Away, away!
(without moving) Yes, yes, we go.
These pirates slay.
Tarantara!
Then do not stay.
Tarantara!
Then why this delay?
All right, we go.
Yes, forward on the foe!
Yes, forward on the foe!
Yes, but you don't go!
We go, we go
Yes, forward on the foe!
Yes, forward on the foe!
Yes, but you don't go!
We go, we go
At last they go!
At last they really go!
(Exeunt POLICE. MABEL tears herself from FREDERIC and exits,
followed by her sisters, consoling her. The MAJOR-GENERAL
and others follow the POLICE off. FREDERIC remains alone.)
Now for the pirates' lair! Oh, joy unbounded!
Oh, sweet relief! Oh, rapture unexampled!
At last I may atone, in some slight measure,
For the repeated acts of theft and pillage
Which, at a sense of duty's stern dictation,
I, circumstance's victim, have been guilty!
(PIRATE KING and RUTH appear at the window, armed.)
Young Frederic! (Covering him with pistol)
Who calls?
Your late commander!
And I, your little Ruth! (Covering him with pistol)
Oh, mad intruders,
How dare ye face me? Know ye not, oh rash ones,
That I have doomed you to extermination?
(KING and RUTH hold a pistol to each ear)
Have mercy on us! hear us, ere you slaughter!
I do not think I ought to listen to you.
Yet, mercy should alloy our stern resentment,
And so I will be merciful-- say on!
When you had left our pirate fold,
We tried to raise our spirits faint,
According to our custom old,
With quips and quibbles quaint.
But all in vain the quips we heard,
We lay and sobbed upon the rocks,
Until to somebody occurred
A startling paradox.
A paradox?
(laughing) A paradox!
A most ingenious paradox!
We've quips and quibbles heard in flocks,
But none to beat this paradox!
A paradox, a paradox,
A most ingenious paradox!
Ha! ha! ha! ha! Ha! ha! ha! ha!
We knew your taste for curious quips,
For cranks and contradictions queer;
And with the laughter on our lips,
We wished you there to hear.
We said, "If we could tell it him,
How Frederic would the joke enjoy!"
And so we've risked both life and limb
To tell it to our boy.
(interested) That paradox? That paradox?
(laughing) That most ingenious paradox!
We've quips and quibbles heard in flocks,
But none to beat this paradox!
A paradox, a paradox,
A most ingenious paradox!
Ha! ha! ha! ha! Ho! ho! ho! ho!
CHANT--KING
For some ridiculous reason, to which, however, I've no desire to
be disloyal,
Some person in authority, I don't know who, very likely the
Astronomer Royal,
Has decided that, although for such a beastly month as February,
twenty-eight days as a rule are plenty,
One year in every four his days shall be reckoned as nine and-
twenty.
Through some singular coincidence-- I shouldn't be surprised if
it were owing to the agency of an ill-natured fairy--
You are the victim of this clumsy arrangement, having been born
in leap-year, on the twenty-ninth of February;
And so, by a simple arithmetical process, you'll easily discover,
That though you've lived twenty-one years, yet, if we go by
birthdays, you're only five and a little bit over!
Ha! ha! ha! ha!
Ho! ho! ho! ho!
Dear me!
Let's see! (counting on fingers)
Yes, yes; with yours my figures do agree!
Ha! ha! ha! ho! ho! ho! ho!
(more amused than any) How quaint the ways of Paradox!
At common sense she gaily mocks!
Though counting in the usual way,
Years twenty-one I've been alive,
Yet, reck'ning by my natal day,
Yet, reck'ning by my natal day,
I am a little boy of five!
RUTH/KING: He is a little boy of five!
Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!
A paradox, a paradox,
A most ingenious paradox!
Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! , etc.
(RUTH and KING throw themselves back on seats, exhausted with
laughter)
Upon my word, this is most curious-- most absurdly
whimsical. Five-and-a-quarter! No one would think it
to look at me!
You are glad now, I'll be bound, that you spared us.
You would never have forgiven yourself when you
discovered that you had killed two of your comrades.
My comrades?
(rises) I'm afraid you don't appreciate the delicacy
of your position: You were apprenticed to us--
Until I reached my twenty-first year.
No, until you reached your twenty-first birthday
(producing document), and, going by birthdays, you are
as yet only five-and-a-quarter.
You don't mean to say you are going to hold me to that?
No, we merely remind you of the fact, and leave the
rest to your sense of duty.
Your sense of duty!
(wildly) Don't put it on that footing! As I was
merciful to you just now, be merciful to me! I implore
you not to insist on the letter of your bond just as
the cup of happiness is at my lips!
We insist on nothing; we content ourselves with
pointing out to you your duty.
Your duty!
(after a pause) Well, you have appealed to my sense of
duty, and my duty is only too clear. I abhor your
infamous calling; I shudder at the thought that I have
ever been mixed up with it; but duty is before all --
at any price I will do my duty.
Bravely spoken! Come, you are one of us once more.
Lead on, I follow. (Suddenly) Oh, horror!
KING/RUTH: What is the matter?
Ought I to tell you? No, no, I cannot do it; and yet,
as one of your band--
Speak out, I charge you by that sense of
conscientiousness to which we have never yet appealed
in vain.
General Stanley, the father of my Mabel--
KING/RUTH: Yes, yes!
He escaped from you on the plea that he was an orphan?
He did.
It breaks my heart to betray the honoured father of the
girl I adore, but as your apprentice I have no
alternative. It is my duty to tell you that General
Stanley is no orphan!
KING/RUTH: What!
More than that, he never was one!
Am I to understand that, to save his contemptible life,
he dared to practice on our credulous simplicity?
(FREDERIC nods as he weeps) Our revenge shall be swift
and terrible. We will go and collect our band and
attack Tremorden Castle this very night.
But stay--
Not a word! He is doomed!
Away, away! my heart's on fire; Away, away! ere I expire--
I burn, this base deception to I find my duty hard to
do to-
repay.
day!
This very night my vengeance dire My heart is filled with
anguish dire,
Shall glut itself in gore. It strikes me to the
core.
Away, away! Away, away!
With falsehood foul
He tricked us of our brides.
Let vengeance howl;
The Pirate so decides.
Our nature stern
He softened with his lies,
And, in return,
To-night the traitor dies.
Yes, yes! to-night the traitor dies!
Yes, yes! to-night the traitor dies!
To-night he dies!
Yes, or early to-morrow.
His girls likewise?
They will welter in sorrow.
The one soft spot
In their natures they cherish--
And all who plot
To abuse it shall perish!
To-night he dies, etc.
(Exeunt KING and RUTH. FREDERIC throws himself on a stone in
blank despair. Enter MABEL.)
All is prepared, your gallant crew await you.
My Frederic in tears? It cannot be
That lion-heart quails at the coming conflict?
No, Mabel, no.
A terrible disclosure
Has just been made.
Mabel, my dearly-loved one,
I bound myself to serve the pirate captain
Until I reached my one-and-twentieth birthday--
But you are twenty-one?
I've just discovered
That I was born in leap-year, and that birthday
Will not be reached by me till nineteen forty!
Oh, horrible! catastrophe appalling!
And so, farewell!
No, no!
Ah, Frederic, hear me.
Stay, Fred'ric, stay!
They have no legal claim,
No shadow of a shame
Will fall upon thy name.
Stay, Frederic, stay!
Nay, Mabel, nay!
To-night I quit these walls,
The thought my soul appalls,
But when stern Duty calls,
I must obey.
Stay, Fred'ric, stay!
Nay, Mabel, nay!
They have no claim--
But Duty's name.
The thought my soul appalls,
But when stern Duty calls,
Stay, Fred'ric, stay!
I must obey.
BALLAD--MABEL
Ah, leave me not to pine
Alone and desolate;
No fate seemed fair as mine,
No happiness so great!
And Nature, day by day,
Has sung in accents clear
This joyous roundelay,
"He loves thee-- he is here.
Fa-la, la-la,
Fa-la, la-la.
He loves thee-- he is here.
Fa-la, la-la, Fa-la."
Ah, must I leave thee here
In endless night to dream,
Where joy is dark and drear,
And sorrow all supreme--
Where nature, day by day,
Will sing, in altered tone,
This weary roundelay,
"He loves thee-- he is gone.
Fa-la, la-la,
Fa-la, la-la.
He loves thee-- he is gone.
Fa-la, la-la, Fa-la."
In 1940 I of age shall be,
I'll then return, and claim you--I declare it!
It seems so long!
Swear that, till then, you will be true to me.
Yes, I'll be strong!
By all the Stanleys dead and gone, I swear it!
Oh, here is love, and here is truth,
And here is food for joyous laughter:
He (she) will be faithful to his (her) sooth
Till we are wed, and even after.
Oh, here is love, etc.
(FREDERIC rushes to window and leaps out)
(almost fainting) No, I am brave! Oh, family descent,
How great thy charm, thy sway how excellent!
Come one and all, undaunted men in blue,
A crisis, now, affairs are coming to!
(Enter POLICE, marching in single file)
Though in body and in mind
Tarantara! tarantara!
We are timidly inclined,
Tarantara!
And anything but blind
Tarantara! tarantara!
To the danger that's behind,
Tarantara!
Yet, when the danger's near,
Tarantara! tarantara!
We manage to appear
Tarantara!
As insensible to fear
As anybody here,
As anybody here.
Tarantara! tarantara!, etc.
Sergeant, approach! Young Frederic was to have led you
to death and glory.
That is not a pleasant way of putting it.
No matter; he will not so lead you, for he has allied
himself once more with his old associates.
He has acted shamefully!
You speak falsely. You know nothing about it. He has
acted nobly.
He has acted nobly!
Dearly as I loved him before, his heroic sacrifice to
his sense of duty has endeared him to me tenfold; but
if it was his duty to constitute himself my foe, it is
likewise my duty to regard him in that light. He has
done his duty. I will do mine. Go ye and do yours.
(Exit MABEL)
Right oh!
This is perplexing.
We cannot understand it at all.
Still, as he is actuated by a sense of duty--
That makes a difference, of course. At the same time,
we repeat, we cannot understand it at all.
No matter. Our course is clear: we must do our best
to capture these pirates alone. It is most distressing
to us to be the agents whereby our erring fellow-
creatures are deprived of that liberty which is so dear
to us all-- but we should have thought of that before
we joined the force.
We should!
It is too late now!
It is!
When a felon's not engaged in his employment
His employment
Or maturing his felonious little plans,
Little plans,
His capacity for innocent enjoyment
'Cent enjoyment
Is just as great as any honest man's.
Honest man's.
Our feelings we with difficulty smother
'Culty smother
When constabulary duty's to be done.
To be done.
Ah, take one consideration with another,
With another,
A policeman's lot is not a happy one.
Ah, when constabulary duty's to be done, to be
done,
A policeman's lot is not a happy one, happy one.
When the enterprising burglar's not a-burgling
Not a-burgling
When the cut-throat isn't occupied in crime,
'Pied in crime,
He loves to hear the little brook a-gurgling
Brook a-gurgling
And listen to the merry village chime.
Village chime.
When the coster's finished jumping on his mother,
On his mother,
He loves to lie a-basking in the sun.
In the sun.
Ah, take one consideration with another,
With another,
A policeman's lot is not a happy one.
Ah, when constabulary duty's to be done, to be
done,
A policeman's lot is not a happy one, happy one.
(Chorus of Pirates without, in the distance)
A rollicking band of pirates we,
Who, tired of tossing on the sea,
Are trying their hand at a burglaree,
With weapons grim and gory.
Hush, hush! I hear them on the manor poaching,
With stealthy step the pirates are approaching.
(Chorus of Pirates, resumed nearer.)
We are not coming for plate or gold;
A story General Stanley's told;
We seek a penalty fifty-fold,
For General Stanley's story.
They seek a penalty
Fifty-fold!
We seek a penalty
Fifty-fold!
They (We) seek a penalty fifty-fold,
For General Stanley's story.
They come in force, with stealthy stride,
Our obvious course is now--to hide.
Tarantara! Tarantara! etc.
(Police conceal themselves in aisle. As they do so, the Pirates,
with RUTH and FREDERIC, are seen appearing at ruined window.
They enter cautiously, and come down stage on tiptoe.
SAMUEL is laden with burglarious tools and pistols, etc.)
CHORUS--PIRATES (very loud)
With cat-like tread,
Upon our prey we steal;
In silence dread,
Our cautious way we feel.
No sound at all!
We never speak a word;
A fly's foot-fall
Would be distinctly heard--
(softly) Tarantara, tarantara!
So stealthily the pirate creeps,
While all the household soundly sleeps.
Come, friends, who plough the sea,
Truce to navigation;
Take another station;
Let's vary piracee
With a little burglaree!
(softly) Tarantara, tarantara!
(distributing implements to various members of the
gang)
Here's your crowbar and your centrebit,
Your life-preserver--you may want to hit!
Your silent matches, your dark lantern seize,
Take your file and your skeletonic keys.
Tarantara!
With cat-like tread
Tarantara!
in silence dread,
(Enter KING, FREDERIC and RUTH)
(fortissimo). With cat-like tread, etc.
Hush, hush! not a word; I see a light inside!
The Major-Gen'ral comes, so quickly hide!
Yes, yes, the Major-General comes!
(Exeunt KING, FREDERIC, SAMUEL, and RUTH)
Yes, yes, the Major-General comes!
(entering in dressing-gown, carrying a light)
Yes, yes, the Major-General comes!
Tormented with the anguish dread
Of falsehood unatoned,
I lay upon my sleepless bed,
And tossed and turned and groaned.
The man who finds his conscience ache
No peace at all enjoys;
And as I lay in bed awake,
I thought I heard a noise.
He thought he heard a noise-- ha! ha!
No, all is still
In dale, on hill;
My mind is set at ease--
So still the scene,
It must have been
The sighing of the breeze.
BALLAD--GENERAL
Sighing softly to the river
Comes the loving breeze,
Setting nature all a-quiver,
Rustling through the trees.
Through the trees.
And the brook, in rippling measure,
Laughs for very love,
While the poplars, in their pleasure,
Wave their arms above.
Yes, the trees, for very love,
Wave their leafy arms above.
River, river, little river,
May thy loving prosper ever!
Heaven speed thee, poplar tree,
May thy wooing happy be.
Yet, the breeze is but a rover,
When he wings away,
Brook and poplar mourn a lover
Sighing ,"Well-a-day!"
Well-a-day!
Ah! the doing and undoing,
That the rogue could tell!
When the breeze is out a-wooing,
Who can woo so well?
Shocking tales the rogue could tell,
Nobody can woo so well.
Pretty brook, thy dream is over,
For thy love is but a rover;
Sad the lot of poplar trees,
Courted by a fickle breeze!
(Enter the MAJOR-GENERAL's daughters, led by MABEL, all in white
peignoirs and night-caps, and carrying lighted candles.)
Now what is this, and what is that, and why does father
leave his rest
At such a time of night as this, so very incompletely
dressed?
Dear father is, and always was, the most methodical of
men!
It's his invariable rule to go to bed at half-past ten.
What strange occurrence can it be that calls dear
father from his rest
At such a time of night as this, so very incompletely
dressed?
(Enter KING, SAMUEL, and FREDERIC)
Forward, my men, and seize that General there! His
life is over. (They seize the GENERAL)
The pirates! the pirates! Oh, despair!
(springing up) Yes, we're the pirates, so despair!
Frederic here! Oh, joy! Oh. rapture!
Summon your men and effect their capture!
Frederic, save us!
Beautiful Mabel,
I would if I could, but I am not able.
He's telling the truth, he is not able.
With base deceit
You worked upon our feelings!
Revenge is sweet,
And flavours all our dealings!
With courage rare
And resolution manly,
For death prepare,
Unhappy Gen'ral Stanley.
(wildly) Is he to die, unshriven, unannealed?
Oh, spare him!
Will no one in his cause a weapon wield?
Oh, spare him!
(springing up) Yes, we are here, though hitherto
concealed!
Oh, rapture!
So to Constabulary, pirates yield!
Oh, rapture!
(A struggle ensues between Pirates and Police, RUTH tackling the
Eventually the Police are overcome and fall
prostrate, the Pirates standing over them with drawn
swords.)
We triumph now, for well we You triumph now, for well we
trow trow
Your mortal career's cut short; Our mortal career's cut
short;
No pirate band will take its No pirate band will take its
stand stand
At the Central Criminal Court. At the Central Criminal
Court.
To gain a brief advantage you've contrived,
But your proud triumph will not be long-lived
Don't say you are orphans, for we know that game.
On your allegiance we've a stronger claim.
We charge you yield, we charge you yield,
In Queen Victoria's name!
(baffled) You do?
We do!
We charge you yield,
In Queen Victoria's name!
(PIRATES kneel, POLICE stand over them triumphantly.)
We yield at once, with humbled mien,
Because, with all our faults, we love our Queen.
Yes, yes, with all their faults, they love their Queen.
Yes, yes, with all their faults, they love their Queen.
(POLICE, holding PIRATES by the collar, take out handkerchiefs
and weep.)
Away with them, and place them at the bar!
(Enter RUTH)
One moment! let me tell you who they are.
They are no members of the common throng;
They are all noblemen who have gone wrong.
They are all noblemen who have gone wrong.
No Englishman unmoved that statement hears,
Because, with all our faults, we love our House of
Peers. (All kneel)
I pray you, pardon me, ex-Pirate King!
Peers will be peers, and youth will have its fling.
Resume your ranks and legislative duties,
And take my daughters, all of whom are beauties.
FINALE--MABEL, EDITH and ENSEMBLE
Poor wandering ones!
Though ye have surely strayed,
Take heart of grace,
Your steps retrace,
Poor wandering ones!
Poor wandering ones!
If such poor love as ours
Can help you find
True peace of mind,
Why, take it, it is yours!
Poor wandering ones! etc.
or, Bunthorne's Bride
Book by W.S. GILBERT
Music by ARTHUR SULLIVAN
First produced at the Opera Comique, London, on April 23, 1881.
Officers of Dragoon Guards
COLONEL CALVERLEY Baritone
MAJOR MURGATROYD Baritone
LIEUT THE DUKE OF DUNSTABLE Tenor
REGINALD BUNTHORNE (A Fleshly Poet) Light Baritone
ARCHIBALD GROSVENOR (An Idyllic Poet) Baritone
MR. BUNTHORNE'S SOLICITOR Non-singing
Rapturous Maidens
THE LADY ANGELA Mezzo-Soprano
THE LADY SAPHIR Mezzo-Soprano
THE LADY ELLA Soprano
THE LADY JANE Contralto
PATIENCE (A Dairy Maid) Soprano
Chorus of Rapturous MAIDENS and Officers of DRAGOON GUARDS
ACT I--Exterior of Castle Bunthorne
ACT II--A Glade
[Scene: Exterior of Castle Bunthorne, the gateway to which is
seen, R.U.E., and is approached by a drawbridge over a moat.
A rocky eminence R. with steps down to the stage. In front
of it, a rustic bench, on which ANGELA is seated, with ELLA
on her left. Young Ladies wearing aesthetic draperies are
grouped about the stage from R. to L.C., SAPHIR being near
the L. end of the group. The Ladies play on lutes, etc., as
they sing, and all are in the last stage of despair.]
No. 1. Twenty love-sick maidens we
(Opening Chorus and Solos)
Maidens, Angela, and Ella
Twenty love-sick maidens we,
Love-sick all against our will.
Twenty years hence we shall be
Twenty love-sick maidens still!
Twenty love-sick maidens we,
And we die for love of thee!
Twenty love-sick maidens we,
Love-sick all against our will.
Twenty years hence we shall be
Twenty love-sick maidens still!
Love feeds on hope, they say, or love will die;
Ah, miserie!
Yet my love lives, although no hope have I!
Ah, miserie!
Alas, poor heart, go hide thyself away,
To weeping concords tune thy roundelay!
Ah, miserie!
All our love is all for one,
Yet that love he heedeth not,
He is coy and cares for none,
Sad and sorry is our lot!
Ah, miserie!
Go, breaking heart,
Go, dream of love requited!
Go, foolish heart,
Go, dream of lovers plighted;
Go, madcap heart,
Go, dream of never waking;
And in thy dream
Forget that thou art breaking!
Ah, miserie!
Forget that thou art breaking!
Twenty love-sick maidens we,
Love-sick all against our will.
Twenty years hence we shall be
Twenty love-sick maidens still.
Ah, miserie!
There is a strange magic in this love of ours! Rivals as
we all are in the affections of our Reginald, the very
hopelessness of our love is a bond that binds us to one another!
Jealousy is merged in misery. While he, the very
cynosure of our eyes and hearts, remains icy insensible -- what
have we to strive for?
The love of maidens is, to him, as interesting as the
taxes!
Would that it were! He pays his taxes.
And cherishes the receipts!
[Enter LADY JANE, L.U.E.]
Happy receipts! [All sigh heavily]
[L.C., suddenly] Fools! [They start, and turn to her]
I beg your pardon?
Fools and blind! The man loves -- wildly loves!
But whom? None of us!
No, none of us. His weird fancy has lighted, for the
nonce, on Patience, the village milkmaid!
On Patience? Oh, it cannot be!
Bah! But yesterday I caught him in her dairy, eating fresh
butter with a tablespoon. Today he is not well!
But Patience boasts that she has never loved -- that love
is, to her, a sealed book! Oh, he cannot be serious!
`Tis but a fleeting fancy -- `twill quickly wear away.
[aside, coming down-stage] Oh, Reginald, if you but knew what a
wealth of golden love is waiting for you, stored up in this
rugged old bosom of mine, the milkmaid's triumph would be short
indeed!
[PATIENCE appears on an eminence, R. She looks down with pity on
the despondent Ladies.]
No. 2. Still brooding on their mad infatuation!
(Recitative)
Patience, Saphir, Angela, and Maidens
Still brooding on their mad infatuation!
I thank thee, Love, thou comest not to me!
Far happier I, free from thy ministration,
Than dukes or duchesses who love can be!
[looking up] `Tis Patience -- happy girl! Loved by a
poet!
Your pardon, ladies. I intrude upon you! [Going]
Nay, pretty child, come hither. [PATIENCE descends.] Is
it true that you have never loved?
Most true indeed.
Most marvelous!
And most deplorable!
I cannot tell what this love may be
(Solo)
Patience
I cannot tell what this love may be
[L.C.] That cometh to all but not to me.
It cannot be kind as they'd imply,
Or why do these ladies sigh?
It cannot be joy and rapture deep,
Or why do these gentle ladies weep?
It cannot be blissful as `tis said,
Or why are their eyes so wondrous red?
Though ev'rywhere true love I see
A-coming to all, but not to me,
I cannot tell what this love may be!
For I am blithe and I am gay,
While they sit sighing night and day.
For I am blithe and I am gay, Yes, she is blithe and she is
gay,
Think of the gulf `twixt Yes, she is blithe and
them and me, she is gay,
Think of the gulf `twixt them, Yes, she is blithe and
and me, and she is gay,
Fal la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
la la la la la la la la la la la la,
and miserie! Ah, miserie!
[She dances across R. and back to R.C.]
If love is a thorn, they show no wit
Who foolishly hug and foster it.
If love is a weed, how simple they
Who gather it, day by day!
If love is a nettle that makes you smart,
Then why do you wear it next your heart?
And if it be none of these, say I,
Ah, why do you sit and sob and sigh?
Though ev'rywhere true love I see
A-coming to all, but not to me,
I cannot tell what this love may be!
For I am blithe and I am gay,
While they sit sighing night and day.
For I am blithe and I Yes, she is blithe and she is
am gay, gay,
Think of the gulf `twixt Yes, she is blithe and she is
them and me, gay,
Think of the gulf `twixt Yes, she is blithe and she is
them and me, gay,
Fal la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
la la la la la la la la la la la la,
and miserie! Ah, miserie!
Ah, Patience, if you have never loved, you have never
known true happiness! [All sigh.]
[C.] But the truly happy always seem to have so much on
their minds. The truly happy never seem quite well.
[coming L.C.] There is a transcendentality of delirium --
an acute accentuation of supremest ecstasy -- which the earthy
might easily mistake for indigestion. But it is not indigestion
-- it is aesthetic transfiguration! [to the others.] Enough of
babble. Come!
[stopping her as she turns to go up C.] But stay, I
have some news for you. The 35th Dragoon Guards have halted in
the village, and are even now on their way to this very spot.
The 35th Dragoon Guards!
They are fleshly men, of full habit!
We care nothing for Dragoon Guards!
But, bless me, you were all engaged to them a year ago!
A year ago!
My poor child, you don't understand these things. A year
ago they were very well in our eyes, but since then our tastes
have been etherealized, our perceptions exalted. [to the others]
Come, it is time to lift up our voices in morning carol to our
Reginald. Let us to his door!
[ANGELA leading, the Ladies go off, two and two, Jane last, over
the drawbridge into the castle, singing refrain of "Twenty
love-sick maidens", and, as before, accompanying themselves
on harps, etc.]
No. 2a. Twenty love-sick maidens we
(Chorus)
Maidens
Twenty love-sick maidens we,
Love-sick all against our will.
Twenty years hence we shall be
Twenty love-sick maidens still!
Ah, miserie!
[PATIENCE watches them in surprise, and, with a gesture of
complete bafflement, climbs the rock and goes off the way
she entered.]
[The officers of the DRAGOON GUARDS enter, R., led by the MAJOR.
They form their line across the front of the stage.]
No. 3. The soldiers of our Queen
(Chorus and Solo)
Dragoons and Colonel
The soldiers of our Queen
Are linked in friendly tether;
Upon the battle scene
They fight the foe together.
There ev'ry mother's son
Prepared to fight and fall is;
The enemy of one
The enemy of all is!
The enemy of one
The enemy of all is!
[On an order from the MAJOR they fall back.]
[Enter the COLONEL. All salute.]
If you want a receipt for that popular mystery,
[C.] Known to the world as a Heavy Dragoon,
[saluting] Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
Take all the remarkable people in history,
Rattle them off to a popular tune.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
The pluck of Lord Nelson on board of the Victory--
Genius of Bismarck devising a plan--
The humour of Fielding (which sounds contradictory)--
Coolness of Paget about to trepan--
The science of Jullien, the eminent musico--
Wit of Macaulay, who wrote of Queen Anne--
The pathos of Paddy, as rendered by Boucicault--
Style of the Bishop of Sodor and Man--
The dash of a D'Orsay, divested of quackery--
Narrative powers of Dickens and Thackeray--
Victor Emmanuel -- peak-haunting Peveril--
Thomas Aquinas, and Doctor Sacheverell--
Tupper and Tennyson -- Daniel Defoe--
Anthony Trollope and Mister Guizot! Ah!
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
Take of these elements all A Heavy Dragoon,
that is fusible a Heavy Dragoon,
Melt them all down in a A Heavy Dragoon,
pipkin or crucible-- a Heavy Dragoon,
Set them to simmer, A Heavy Dragoon,
and take off the scum, a Heavy Dragoon,
And a Heavy Dragoon Is the residuum!
is the residuum!
If you want a receipt for this soldier-like paragon,
Get at the wealth of the Czar (if you can)--
The family pride of a Spaniard from Aragon--
Force of Mephisto pronouncing a ban--
A smack of Lord Waterford, reckless and rollicky--
Swagger of Roderick, heading his clan--
The keen penetration of Paddington Pollaky--
Grace of an Odalisque on a divan--
The genius strategic of Caesar or Hannibal--
Skill of Sir Garnet in thrashing a cannibal--
Flavour of Hamlet -- the Stranger, a touch of him--
Little of Manfred (but not very much of him)--
Beadle of Burlington -- Richardson's show--
Mister Micawber and Madame Tussaud! Ah!
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
Take of these elements all A Heavy Dragoon,
that is fusible a Heavy Dragoon,
Melt them all down in a A Heavy Dragoon,
pipkin or crucible-- a Heavy Dragoon,
Set them to simmer, A Heavy Dragoon,
and take off the scum, a Heavy Dragoon,
And a Heavy Dragoon Is the residuum!
is the residuum!
Well, here we are once more on the scene of our former
triumphs. But where's the Duke?
[Enter DUKE, listlessly, and in low spirits.]
Here I am! [Sighs.]
Come, cheer up, don't give way!
Oh, for that, I'm as cheerful as a poor devil can be
expected to be who has the misfortune to be a Duke, with a
thousand a day!
Humph! Most men would envy you!
Envy me? Tell me, Major, are you fond of toffee?
Very!
We are all fond of toffee.
We are!
Yes, and toffee in moderation is a capital thing. But to
live on toffee -- toffee for breakfast, toffee for dinner, toffee
for tea -- to have it supposed that you care for nothing but
toffee, and that you would consider yourself insulted if anything
but toffee were offered to you -- how would you like that?
I can quite believe that, under those circumstances,
even toffee would become monotonous.
For "toffee" read flattery, adulation, and abject
deference, carried to such a pitch that I began, at last, to
think that man was born bent at an angle of forty-five degrees!
Great heavens, what is there to adulate in me? Am I particularly
intelligent, or remarkably studious, or excruciatingly witty, or
unusually accomplished, or exceptionally virtuous?
You're about as commonplace a young man as ever I saw.
You are!
Exactly! That's it exactly! That describes me to a T!
Thank you all very much! [Shakes hands with the Colonel] Well,
I couldn't stand it any longer, so I joined this second-class
cavalry regiment. In the army, thought I, I shall be
occasionally snubbed, perhaps even bullied, who knows? The
thought was rapture, and here I am.
[looking off] Yes, and here are the ladies!
But who is the gentleman with the long hair?
I don't know.
He seems popular!
He does seem popular!
[The DRAGOONS back up R., watching the entrance of the Ladies.
BUNTHORNE enters, L.U.E., followed by the Ladies, two and
two, playing on harps as before. He is composing a poem,
and is quite absorbed. He sees no one, but walks across the
stage, followed by the Ladies, who take no notice of the
DRAGOONS -- to the surprise and indignation of those
officers.]
[Bunthorne, the Ladies following, comes slowly down L. and then
crosses the stage to R.]
No. 4. In a doleful train
(Chorus and Solos)
Maidens, Ella, Angela, Saphir, Dragoons, and Bunthorne
In a doleful train
Two and two we walk all day--
For we love in vain!
None so sorrowful as they
Who can only sigh and say,
Woe is me, alackaday!
Woe is me, alackaday!
Now is not this ridiculous, and is not this
preposterous?
A thorough-paced absurdity -- explain it if you
can.
Instead of rushing eagerly to cherish us and foster us,
They all prefer this melancholy literary man.
Instead of slyly peering at us,
Casting looks endearing at us,
Blushing at us, flushing at us, flirting with a fan;
They're actually sneering at us, fleering at us,
jeering at us!
Pretty sort of treatment for a military man!
They're actually sneering at us, fleering at us,
jeering at us!
Pretty sort of treatment for a military man!
[Bunthorne, C.]
[R. of BUNTHORNE] Mystic poet, hear our prayer,
Twenty love-sick maidens we--
Young and wealthy, dark and fair,
All of county family.
And we die for love of thee--
Twenty love-sick maidens we!
Yes, we die for love of thee--
Twenty love-sick maidens we!
[crossing to L.] Though my book I seem to scan
In a rapt ecstatic way,
Like a literary man
Who despises female clay,
I hear plainly all they say,
Twenty love-sick maidens they!
[BUNTHORNE crosses to C.]
[to each other] He hears plainly all they say,
Twenty love-sick maidens they!
[L. of BUNTHORNE] Though so excellently wise,
For a moment mortal be,
Deign to raise thy purple eyes
From thy heart-drawn poesy.
Twenty lovesick maidens see--
Each is kneeling on her knee!
[All kneel.]
Twenty love-sick maidens see--
Each is kneeling on her knee!
[going R.] Though, as I remarked before,
Any one convinced would be
That some transcendental lore
Is monopolizing me,
Round the corner I can see
Each is kneeling on her knee!
Round the corner he can see
Each is kneeling on her knee!
Now is not this ridiculous, and is not this preposterous?
A thorough-paced absurdity -- ridiculous!
preposterous!
Explain it if you can.
In a doleful train Now is not this ridiculous,
Two and two we walk all day, and is not this preposterous?
A thorough-paced absurdity--
None so sorrowful as they explain it if you can.
For we love in vain! Instead of rushing eagerly
None so sorrowful as they to cherish us and foster us,
They all prefer this
melancholy literary man.
Who can only sigh and say, Instead of slyly peering at us,
Casting looks endearing at us,
Blushing at us, flushing at us,
Flirting with a fan;
Woe is me, alackaday! They're actually sneering at us,
fleering at us, jeering at us!
Pretty sort of treatment for
a military man!
Woe is me, alackaday! They're actually sneering at us,
fleering at us, jeering at us!
Pretty sort of treatment for
a military man!
Twenty love-sick maidens we, Now is not this ridiculous,
and is not this preposterous?
They all prefer this melancholy
literary man.
And we die for love of thee! Now is not this ridiculous,
and is not this preposterous?
They all prefer this melancholy,
Yes, we die for love of thee! melancholy literary man.
Now is not this ridiculous,
and is not this preposterous?
[R.C.] Angela! what is the meaning of this?
[C.] Oh, sir, leave us; our minds are but ill-tuned to
light love-talk.
[L.C.] But what in the world has come over you all?
[L.C.] Bunthorne! He has come over us. He has come among
us, and he has idealized us.
Has he succeeded in idealizing you?
He has!
Good old Bunthorne!
My eyes are open; I droop despairingly; I am soulfully
intense; I am limp and I cling!
[During this BUNTHORNE is seen in all the agonies of composition.
The Ladies are watching him intently as he writhes. At last
he hits on the word he wants and writes it down. A general
sense of relief.]
Finished! At last! Finished!
[He staggers, overcome with the mental strain, into the arms of
the COLONEL.]
Are you better now?
Yes -- oh, it's you! -- I am better now. The poem is
finished, and my soul has gone out into it. That was all. It
was nothing worth mentioning, it occurs three times a day.
[Sees PATIENCE, who has entered during this scene.]
Ah, Patience! Dear Patience!
[Holds her hand; she seems frightened.]
Will it please you read it to us, sir?
This we supplicate. [All kneel.]
Shall I?
No!
[annoyed -- to PATIENCE] I will read it if you bid me!
[much frightened] You can if you like!
It is a wild, weird, fleshy thing; yet very tender, very
yearning, very precious. It is called, "Oh, Hollow! Hollow!
Hollow!"
Is it a hunting song?
A hunting song? No, it is not a hunting song. It is the
wail of the poet's heart on discovering that everything is
commonplace. To understand it, cling passionately to one another
and think of faint lilies.
[They do so as he recites]
"OH, HOLLOW! HOLLOW! HOLLOW!"
What time the poet hath hymned
The writhing maid, lithe-limbed,
Quivering on amaranthine asphodel,
How can he paint her woes,
Knowing, as well he knows,
That all can be set right with calomel?
When from the poet's plinth
The amorous colocynth
Yearns for the aloe, faint with rapturous thrills,
How can he hymn their throes
Knowing, as well he knows,
That they are only uncompounded pills?
Is it, and can it be,
Nature hath this decree,
Nothing poetic in the world shall dwell?
Or that in all her works
Something poetic lurks,
Even in colocynth and calomel?
I cannot tell.
[He goes off, L.U.E. All turn and watch him, not speaking until
he has gone.]
How purely fragrant!
How earnestly precious!
Well, it seems to me to be nonsense.
Nonsense, yes, perhaps -- but oh, what precious nonsense!
This is all very well, but you seem to forget that you
are engaged to us.
It can never be. You are not Empyrean. You are not
Della Cruscan. You are not even Early English. Oh, be Early
English ere it is too late!
[Officers look at each other in astonishment.]
[looking at uniform] Red and Yellow! Primary colors! Oh,
South Kensington!
We didn't design our uniforms, but we don't see how they
could be improved!
No, you wouldn't. Still, there is a cobwebby grey velvet,
with a tender bloom like cold gravy, which, made Florentine
fourteenth century, trimmed with Venetian leather and Spanish
altar lace, and surmounted with something Japanese -- it matters
not what -- would at least be Early English! Come, maidens.
[Exeunt Maidens, L.U.E., two and two, singing refrain of "Twenty
love-sick maidens we". PATIENCE goes off L. The Officers
watch the Ladies go off in astonishment.]
No. 4a. Twenty love-sick maidens we
(Chorus)
Maidens
[As the MAIDENS depart, the DRAGOONS spread across the stage.]
Twenty love-sick maidens we,
Love-sick all against our will.
Twenty years hence we shall be
Twenty love-sick maidens still!
Ah, miserie!
Gentlemen, this is an insult to the British uniform.
A uniform that has been as successful in the courts of
Venus as on the field of Mars!
No. 5. When I first put this uniform on
(Solo and Chorus)
Colonel and Dragoons
[The DRAGOONS form their original line.]
Song -- COLONEL
When I first put this uniform on,
I said, as I looked in the glass,
"It's one to a million
That any civilian
My figure and form will surpass.
Gold lace has a charm for the fair,
And I've plenty of that, and to spare,
While a lover's professions,
When uttered in Hessians,
Are eloquent ev'rywhere!"
A fact that I counted upon,
When I first put this uniform on!
Chorus of DRAGOONS
By a simple coincidence, few
Could ever have counted upon,
The same thing occurred to me,
When I first put this uniform on!
I said, when I first put it on,
"It is plain to the veriest dunce,
That every beauty
Will feel it her duty
To yield to its glamour at once.
They will see that I'm freely gold-laced
In a uniform handsome and chaste"--
But the peripatetics
Of long-haired aesthetics
Are very much more to their taste--
Which I never counted upon,
When I first put this uniform on!
By a simple coincidence, few
Could ever have reckoned upon,
I didn't anticipate that,
When I first put this uniform on!
[The DRAGOONS go off angrily, R.]
[Enter BUNTHORNE, L.U.E., who changes his manner and becomes
intensely melodramatic.]
No. 6. Am I alone and unobserved?
(Recitative and Solo)
Bunthorne
[Up-stage, he looks off L. and R.]
Am I alone,
And unobserved? I am!
[comes down]
Then let me own
I'm an aesthetic sham!
[and walks tragically to down-stage, C.]
This air severe
Is but a mere
Veneer!
This cynic smile
Is but a wile
Of guile!
This costume chaste
Is but good taste
Misplaced!
Let me confess!
A languid love for Lilies does not blight me!
Lank limbs and haggard cheeks do not delight me!
I do not care for dirty greens
By any means.
I do not long for all one sees
That's Japanese.
I am not fond of uttering platitudes
In stained-glass attitudes.
In short, my mediaevalism's affectation,
Born of a morbid love of admiration!
[Tiptoes up-stage, looking L. and R., and comes back down, C.]
If you're anxious for to shine in the high aesthetic line as a
man of culture rare,
You must get up all the germs of the transcendental terms, and
plant them ev'rywhere.
You must lie upon the daisies and discourse in novel phrases of
your complicated state of mind,
The meaning doesn't matter if it's only idle chatter of a
transcendental kind.
And ev'ry one will say,
As you walk your mystic way,
"If this young man expresses himself in terms too deep for me,
Why, what a very singularly deep young man this deep young man
must be!"
Be eloquent in praise of the very dull old days which have long
since passed away,
And convince 'em, if you can, that the reign of good Queen Anne
was Culture's palmiest day.
Of course you will pooh-pooh whatever's fresh and new, and
declare it's crude and mean,
For Art stopped short in the cultivated court of the Empress
Josephine.
And ev'ryone will say,
As you walk your mystic way,
"If that's not good enough for him which is good enough for me,
Why, what a very cultivated kind of youth this kind of youth must
be!"
Then a sentimental passion of a vegetable fashion must excite
your languid spleen,
An attachment a la Plato for a bashful young potato, or a not-
too-French French bean!
Though the Philistines may jostle, you will rank as an apostle in
the high aesthetic band,
If you walk down Piccadilly with a poppy or a lily in your
medieval hand.
And ev'ryone will say,
As you walk your flow'ry way,
"If he's content with a vegetable love which would certainly not
suit me,
Why, what a most particularly pure young man this pure young man
must be!"
[At the end of his song, PATIENCE enters, L. He sees her.]
Ah! Patience, come hither. [She comes to him timidly.] I
am pleased with thee. The bitter-hearted one, who finds all else
hollow, is pleased with thee. For you are not hollow. Are you?
No, thanks, I have dined; but -- I beg your pardon -- I
interrupt you. [Turns to go; he stops her.]
Life is made up of interruptions. The tortured soul,
yearning for solitude, writhes under them. Oh, but my heart is
a-weary! Oh, I am a cursed thing! [She attempts to escape.]
Don't go.
Really, I'm very sorry.
Tell me, girl, do you ever yearn?
I earn my living.
[impatiently] No, no! Do you know what it is to be heart-
hungry? Do you know what it is to yearn for the Indefinable, and
yet to be brought face to face, dally, with the Multiplication
Table? Do you know what it is to seek oceans and to find
puddles? That's my case. Oh, I am a cursed thing! [She turns
again.] Don't go.
If you please, I don't understand you -- you frighten
me!
Don't be frightened -- it's only poetry.
Well, if that's poetry, I don't like poetry.
[eagerly] Don't you? [aside] Can I trust her? [aloud]
Patience, you don't like poetry -- well, between you and me, I
don't like poetry. It's hollow, unsubstantial -- unsatisfactory.
What's the use of yearning for Elysian Fields when you know you
can't get `em, and would only let `em out on building leases if
you had `em?
Sir, I--
Patience, I have long loved you. Let me tell you a secret.
I am not as bilious as I look. If you like, I will cut my hair.
There is more innocent fun within me than a casual spectator
would imagine. You have never seen me frolicsome. Be a good
girl -- a very good girl -- and one day you shall. If you are
fond of touch-and-go jocularity -- this is the shop for it.
Sir, I will speak plainly. In the matter of love I am
untaught. I have never loved but my great-aunt. But I am quite
certain that, under any circumstances, I couldn't possibly love
you.
Oh, you think not?
I'm quite sure of it. Quite sure. Quite.
Very good. Life is henceforth a blank. I don't care what
becomes of me. I have only to ask that you will not abuse my
confidence; though you despise me, I am extremely popular with
the other young ladies.
I only ask that you will leave me and never renew the
subject.
Certainly. Broken-hearted and desolate, I go. [Goes up-
stage, suddenly turns and recites.]
"Oh, to be wafted away,
From this black Aceldama of sorrow,
Where the dust of an earthy to-day
Is the earth of a dusty to-morrow!"
It is a little thing of my own. I call it "Heart Foam". I
shall not publish it. Farewell! Patience, Patience, farewell!
[Exit BUNTHORNE.]
What on earth does it all mean? Why does he love me?
Why does he expect me to love him? [going R.] He's not a
relation! It frightens me!
[Enter ANGELA, L.]
Why, Patience, what is the matter?
Lady Angela, tell me two things. Firstly, what on
earth is this love that upsets everybody; and, secondly, how is
it to be distinguished from insanity?
Poor blind child! Oh, forgive her, Eros! Why, love is
of all passions the most essential! It is the embodiment of
purity, the abstraction of refinement! It is the one unselfish
emotion in this whirlpool of grasping greed!
Oh, dear, oh! [beginning to cry]
Why are you crying?
To think that I have lived all these years without
having experienced this ennobling and unselfish passion! Why,
what a wicked girl I must be! For it is unselfish, isn't it?
Absolutely! Love that is tainted with selfishness is no
love. Oh, try, try, try to love! It really isn't difficult if
you give your whole mind to it.
I'll set about it at once. I won't go to bed until I'm
head over ears in love with somebody.
Noble girl! But is it possible that you have never loved
anybody?
Yes, one.
Ah! Whom?
My great-aunt--
Great-aunts don't count.
Then there's nobody. At least -- no, nobody. Not
since I was a baby. But that doesn't count, I suppose.
I don't know. Tell me about it.
No. 7. Long years ago, fourteen maybe
(Duet)
Patience and Angela
[R.] Long years ago -- fourteen, maybe,
When but a tiny babe of four,
Another baby played with me,
My elder by a year or more;
A little child of beauty rare,
With marv'lous eyes and wondrous hair,
Who, in my child-eyes, seemed to me
All that a little child should be!
[She goes to ANGELA, L.C.]
Ah, how we loved, that child and I!
How pure our baby joy!
How true our love -- and, by the bye,
He was a little boy!
Ah, old, old tale of Cupid's touch!
I thought as much -- I thought as much!
He was a little boy!
Pray don't misconstrue what I say--
Remember, pray -- remember, pray,
He was a little boy!
No doubt! Yet, spite of all your pains,
The interesting fact remains -
He was a little boy!
Ah, yes, in/No doubt, yet spite of all my/your pains,
The interesting fact remains--
He was a little boy!
He was a little boy!
[Exit ANGELA, L.]
[R.C.] It's perfectly dreadful to think of the
appalling state I must be in! I had no idea that love was a
duty. No wonder they all look so unhappy! Upon my word, I
hardly like to associate with myself. I don't think I'm
respectable. I'll go at once and fall in love with... [As she
turns to go up R., GROSVENOR enters, R.U.E. She sees him and
turns back.] a stranger!
No. 8. Prithee, pretty maiden
(Duet)
Patience and Grosvenor
[up-stage, R. ] Prithee, pretty maiden -- prithee,
tell me true,
(Hey, but I'm doleful, willow willow waly!)
Have you e'er a lover a-dangling after you?
Hey willow waly O!
[coming down-stage]
I would fain discover
If you have a lover!
Hey willow waly O!
[L.] Gentle sir, my heart is frolicsome and free--
(Hey, but he's doleful, willow willow waly!)
Nobody I care for comes a-courting me--
Hey willow waly O!
Nobody I care for
Comes a-courting -- therefore,
Hey willow waly O!
[C.] Prithee, pretty maiden, will you marry me?
(Hey, but I'm hopeful, willow willow waly!)
I may say, at once, I'm a man of propertee--
Hey willow waly O!
Money, I despise it;
Many people prize it,
Hey willow waly O!
Gentle Sir, although to marry I design--
(Hey, but he's hopeful, willow willow waly!)
As yet I do not know you, and so I must decline.
Hey willow waly O!
To other maidens go you--
As yet I do not know you,
Hey willow waly O!
Patience! Can it be that you don't recognize me?
[down L.] Recognize you? No, indeed I don't!
Have fifteen years so greatly changed me?
[turning to him] Fifteen years? What do you mean?
Have you forgotten the friend of your youth, your
Archibald? -- your little playfellow? Oh, Chronos, Chronos, this
is too bad of you! [Comes down, C.]
Archibald! Is it possible? Why, let me look! It is!
It is! [takes his hands.] It must be! Oh, how happy I am! I
thought we should never meet again! And how you've grown!
Yes, Patience, I am much taller and much stouter than I
was.
And how you've improved!
[dropping her hands and turning] Yes, Patience, I am very
beautiful! [Sighs.]
But surely that doesn't make you unhappy?
Yes, Patience. Gifted as I am with a beauty which
probably has not its rival on earth, I am, nevertheless, utterly
and completely miserable.
Oh -- but why?
My child-love for you has never faded. Conceive, then,
the horror of my situation when I tell you that it is my hideous
destiny to be madly loved at first sight by every woman I come
across!
But why do you make yourself so picturesque? Why not
disguise yourself, disfigure yourself, anything to escape this
persecution?
No, Patience, that may not be. These gifts -- irksome as
they are -- were given to me for the enjoyment and delectation of
my fellow-creatures. I am a trustee for Beauty, and it is my
duty to see that the conditions of my trust are faithfully
discharged.
And you, too, are a Poet?
Yes, I am the Apostle of Simplicity. I am called
"Archibald the All-Right" -- for I am infallible!
And is it possible that you condescend to love such a
girl as I?
Yes, Patience, is it not strange? I have loved you with a
Florentine fourteenth-century frenzy for full fifteen years!
Oh, marvelous! I have hitherto been deaf to the voice
of love. I seem now to know what love is! It has been revealed
to me -- it is Archibald Grosvenor!
Yes, Patience, it is! [She goes into his arms.]
[as in a trance] We will never, never part!
We will live and die together!
I swear it!
We both swear it!
[recoiling from him] But -- oh, horror!
What's the matter?
Why, you are perfection! A source of endless ecstasy
to all who know you!
I know I am. Well?
Then, bless my heart, there can be nothing unselfish in
loving you!
Merciful powers! I never thought of that!
To monopolize those features on which all women love to
linger! It would be unpardonable!
Why, so it would! Oh, fatal perfection, again you
interpose between me and my happiness!
Oh, if you were but a thought less beautiful than you
are!
Would that I were; but candour compels me to admit that
I'm not!
Our duty is clear; we must part, and for ever!
Oh, misery! And yet I cannot question the propriety of
your decision. Farewell, Patience!
Farewell, Archibald! [they both turn to go.]
[suddenly] But stay!
Yes, Patience?
Although I may not love you -- for you are perfection -
- there is nothing to prevent your loving me. I am plain,
homely, unattractive!
Why, that's true!
The love of such a man as you for such a girl as I must
be unselfish!
Unselfishness itself!
No. 8a. Though to marry you would very selfish be
(Duet)
Patience and Grosvenor
Though to marry you would very selfish be--
Hey, but I'm doleful -- willow willow waly!
You may, all the same, continue loving me --
Hey willow waly O!
All the world ignoring,
You'll/I'll go on adoring--
Hey, willow waly O!
[They go off sadly -- PATIENCE, L., GROSVENOR, R.U.E.]
No. 9. Let the merry cymbals sound
(Finale of Act I)
Ensemble
[Enter BUNTHORNE, crowned with roses and hung about with
garlands, and looking very miserable. He is led by ANGELA
and SAPHIR (each of whom holds an end of the rose-garland by
which he is bound), and accompanied by procession of
Maidens. They are dancing classically, and playing on
cymbals, double pipes, and other archaic instruments. JANE
last, with a very large pair of cymbals.]
[The procession enters over the drawbridge, BUNTHORNE being
preceded by the Chorus. They go R. and round the stage,
ending with BUNTHORNE down L.C., with ANGELA on his R.,
SAPHIR on his L., JANE up C.]
Let the merry cymbals sound,
Gaily pipe Pandaean pleasure,
With a Daphnephoric bound
Tread a gay but classic measure,
Tread a gay but classic measure.
Ev'ry heart with hope is beating,
For, at this exciting meeting
Fickle Fortune will decide
Who shall be our Bunthorne's bride!
Ev'ry heart with hope is beating,
For, at this exciting meeting
Fickle Fortune will decide
Who shall be our Bunthorne's bride!
Let the merry cymbals sound,
Gaily pipe Pandaean pleasure,
With a Daphnephoric bound
Tread a gay but classic, classic measure,
Tread a gay but classic, classic measure,
A classic measure.
[DRAGOONS enter down R., forming a line diagonally up to up-
stage, C.]
Chorus of Dragoons
Now tell us, we pray you,
Why thus they array you--
Oh, poet, how say you--
What is it you've [optional -- you have] done?
Now tell us, we pray you,
Why thus they array you--
Oh, poet, how say you--
What is it you've done?
Oh, poet, how say you--
What is it you've done?
[C.] Of rite sacrificial,
By sentence judicial,
This seems the initial,
Then why don't you run?
[R.C.] They cannot have led you
To hang or behead you,
Nor may they all wed you,
Unfortunate one!
Then tell us, we pray you,
Why thus they array you--
Oh, poet, how say you--
What is it you've done?
[optional -- Enter SOLICITOR.]
Heart-broken at my Patience's barbarity,
By the advice of my solicitor
In aid -- in aid of a deserving charity,
I've put myself up to be raffled for!
[He introduces his solicitor.]
By the advice of his solicitor,
He's put himself up to be raffled for!
Oh, horror! urged by his solicitor,
He's put himself up to be raffled for!
Oh, heaven's blessing on his solicitor!
A hideous curse on his solicitor!
Oh, heaven's blessing on his solicitor!
A hideous curse on his solicitor!
A blessing on his solicitor! A curse, a curse on his
solicitor!
[The SOLICITOR, horrified at the Dragoons' curse, rushes off, L.]
[R.C. BUNTHORNE up L., surrounded by the Ladies.]
Stay, we implore you,
Before our hopes are blighted;
You see before you
The men to whom you're plighted!
Stay, we implore you,
For we adore you;
To us you're plighted
To be united--
Stay, we implore you, we implore you!
[C.] Your maiden hearts, ah, do not steel
To pity's eloquent appeal,
Such conduct British soldiers feel.
[Aside ] Sigh, sigh, all sigh! [They all sigh.]
To foeman's steel we rarely see
A British soldier bend the knee,
Yet, one and all, they kneel to ye--
[Aside ] Kneel, kneel, all kneel! [They all kneel.]
Our soldiers very seldom cry,
And yet -- I need not tell you why--
A tear-drop dews each martial eye!
[Aside ] Weep, weep, all weep! [They all weep.]
&
Our/We soldiers very seldom cry,
And yet -- they/we need not tell us/you why--
&
A tear-drop dews each eye/martial eye!
Weep, weep, all weep!
[The Solicitor re-enters]
[coming briskly forward, L.C.]
Come, walk up, and purchase with avidity,
Overcome your diffidence and natural timidity,
Tickets for the raffle should be purchased with avidity,
Put in half a guinea and a husband you may gain--
Such a judge of blue-and-white and other kinds of pottery--
From early Oriental down to modern terra-cottary--
Put in half a guinea -- you may draw him in a lottery--
Such an opportunity may not occur again.
Such a judge of blue-and-white and other kinds of
pottery--
From early Oriental down to modern terra cottary--
Put in half a guinea -- you may draw him in a lottery--
Such an opportunity may not occur again.
[MAIDENS crowd up to purchase tickets. DRAGOONS dance in single
file round stage, to express their indifference.]
We've been thrown over, we're aware
But we don't care -- but we don't care!
There's fish in the sea, no doubt of it,
As good as ever came out of it,
And some day we shall get our share,
So we don't care -- so we don't care!
[During this the GIRLS have been buying tickets, the Solicitor
officiating. At last JANE presents herself. BUNTHORNE
looks at her with aversion.]
And are you going a ticket for to buy?
[surprised] Most certainly I am; why shouldn't I?
[aside] Oh, Fortune, this is hard! [aloud]
Blindfold your eyes;
Two minutes will decide who wins the prize!
[GIRLS blindfold themselves.]
Chorus of MAIDENS
Oh, Fortune, to my aching heart be kind;
Like us, thou art blindfolded, but not blind!
Just raise your bandage, thus, [Each uncovers one eye.] that you
may see,
And give the prize, and give the prize to me! [They cover their
eyes again.]
Come, Lady Jane, I pray you draw the first!
[joyfully] He loves me best!
[aside] I want to know the worst!
[JANE puts her hand in bag to draw ticket. PATIENCE enters and
prevents her.]
Hold! Stay your hand!
[uncovering their eyes]
What means this interference?
Of this bold girl I pray you make a clearance!
Away with you, away with you, and to your milk-pails go!
[suddenly] She wants a ticket! Take a dozen!
No! If there be pardon in your breast
For this poor penitent,
Who with remorseful thought opprest,
Sincerely doth repent;
If you, with one so lowly, still
Desire to be allied,
Then you may take me, if you will,
For I will be your bride!
[She kneels to Bunthorne.]
Oh, shameless one!
Oh, bold-faced thing!
Away you run--
Go, take your wing,
Oh, shameless one!
Oh, bold-faced thing!
Away you run--
Go, take your wing,
You shameless one!
You bold-faced thing!
[Bunthorne raises her.]
How strong is love! For many and many a week,
She's loved me fondly, and has feared to speak
But Nature, for restraint too mighty far,
Has burst the bonds of Art -- and here we are!
No, Mister Bunthorne, no -- you're wrong again;
Permit me -- I'll endeavour to explain!
True love must single-hearted be--
Exactly so!
From ev'ry selfish fancy free--
Exactly so!
No idle thought of gain or joy
A maiden's fancy should employ--
True love must be without alloy,
True love must be without alloy.
Exactly so!
Imposture to contempt must lead--
Exactly so!
Blind vanity's dissension's seed--
Exactly so!
It follows, then, a maiden who
Devotes herself to loving you
Is prompted by no selfish view,
Is prompted by no selfish view!
Exactly so!
[coming L. of BUNTHORNE]
Are you resolved to wed this shameless one?
[coming R. of BUNTHORNE]
Is there no chance for any other?
[decisively] None! [Embraces PATIENCE]
[Exit PATIENCE and BUNTHORNE, L. ANGELA, SAPHIR, and ELLA take
COLONEL, DUKE, and MAJOR down, while GIRLS gaze fondly at
other Officers.]
(ELLA, SAPHIR, ANGELA, DUKE, MAJOR, COLONEL)
I hear the soft note of the echoing voice
Of an old, old love, long dead--
It whispers my sorrowing heart "rejoice"--
For the last sad tear is shed--
The pain that is all but a pleasure will change
For the pleasure that's all but pain,
And never, oh never, this heart will range
From that old, old love again!
[GIRLS embrace OFFICERS]
Yes, the pain that is all but a pleasure will change
For the pleasure that's all but pain,
And never, oh never, our hearts will range
From that old, old love again!
Oh, never, oh never Oh, never, oh never
our hearts will range our hearts, our hearts
will range
From that old, old love again!
Oh, never, oh never, Oh, never, oh never our hearts,
our hearts will range Oh, never, our hearts will range
From that old, old From that old, old love
love again! again!
[The GIRLS embrace the Officers. Re-enter PATIENCE and
L.]
[As the DRAGOONS and GIRLS are embracing, enter GROSVENOR,
R.U.E., reading. He takes no notice of them, but comes
slowly down, still reading. The GIRLS are all strangely
fascinated by him. The Chorus divides, L. & R., and the
GIRLS are held back by the DRAGOONS, as they attempt to
throw themselves at GROSVENOR. Fury of BUNTHORNE, who
recognizes a rival.]
[R.C.] But who is this, whose god-like grace
Proclaims he comes of noble race?
And who is this, whose manly face
Bears sorrow's interesting trace?
Yes, who is this, whose god-like grace
Proclaims he comes of noble race?
[C.] I am a broken-hearted troubadour,
Whose mind's aesthetic and whose tastes are pure!
Aesthetic! He is aesthetic!
Yes, yes -- I am aesthetic
And poetic!
Then, we love you!
[They break away from the DRAGOONS, and kneel to GROSVENOR.]
They love him! Horror!
and
They love him! Horror!
They love me! Horror! Horror! Horror!
[all parts sung at the same time]
List, Reginald, while I confess My jealousy I can't
express,
A love that's all unselfishness, Their love they openly
confess;
That it's unselfish, goodness knows, His shell-like ears he
does not close
You won't dispute it, I suppose! To their recital of
their woes.
ELLA, SAPHIR, ANGELA, JANE CHORUS
Oh, list while we a love confess Oh, list while we/they a
love confess
That words imperfectly express.
Those shell-like ears, ah, do not close That words imperfectly
express.
To blighted love's distracting woes!
[all parts sung at the same time]
MAJOR, COLONEL & BUNTHORNE GROSVENOR
My jealousy I can't express, Again my cursed comeliness
Their love they openly confess! Spreads hopeless
anguish and
distress,
Their love they openly confess, Spreads hopeless anguish
and
confess! distress, distress!
Yes, those shell-like ears, ah, do Yes, his shell-like ears
not close he does not close
To blighted love's distracting To their recital of their
woes!
woes!
To blighted love's distracting woes, To their recital of their
woes,
their woes! their woes!
[all parts sung at the same time]
Ah! Ah!
And I shall love you, I shall love. His shell-like ears he
does not close
Your ears, ah, do not close! To love's distracting
woes!
Thy shell-like ears, ah, do not close Now is not this
ridiculous,
and is not this
preposterous?
To blighted love's distracting woes! A thorough-paced
absurdity,
explain it if you
can!
Thy shell-like ears, ah, do not close Now is not this
ridiculous,
and is not this
preposterous?
To blighted love's distracting woes! A thorough-paced
absurdity,
explain it if you
can!
To love's, to love's distracting woes! Explain, explain it if you
can!
love's woes! you can!
ELLA, SAPHIR, ANGELA, JANE MAIDENS
Oh, list while we our love confess Oh, list while we a love
confess
That words imperfectly express. That words imperfectly
express.
Thy shell-like ears, ah, do not close Those shell-like ears, ah,
do not
close
To love's distracting woes! To love's distracting
woes!
Thy shell-like ears, ah, do not close Those shell-like ears, ah,
do not
close
To blighted love's distracting woes! To blighted love's
distracting
woes!
Thy shell-like ears, ah, do not close Those shell-like ears, ah,
do not
close
To blighted love's distracting woes! To blighted love's
distracting
woes!
To love's, to love's distracting woes! To love's, to love's
distracting
love's woes woes! love's woes!
MAJOR and COLONEL
My jealousy I can't express, My jealousy I can't
express,
Their love they openly confess. Their love they
openly confess.
His shell-like ears he does not close His shell-like ears he
does not close
To love's distracting woes! To love's distracting
woes!
His shell-like ears he does not close Now is not this
ridiculous,
and is not this
preposterous?
To blighted love's distracting A thorough-paced
absurdity,
woes! explain it if you
can!
His shell-like ears he does not close Now is not this
ridiculous,
and is not this
preposterous?
To blighted love's distracting A thorough-paced
absurdity,
woes! explain it if you
can!
To love's, to love's distracting woes! Explain, explain it if you
can!
love's woes! you can!
Again my cursed comeliness Oh, list while they a love
confess
Spreads hopeless anguish and That words
imperfectly express.
distress;
Thine ears, oh, Fortune, do not close His shell-like ears He
does not close
To love's distracting woes! To love's distracting
woes!
My shell-like ears I can not close Now is not this
ridiculous,
and is not this
preposterous?
To blighted love's distracting A thorough-paced
absurdity,
woes! explain it if you
can!
My shell-like ears I can not close Now is not this
ridiculous,
and is not this
preposterous?
To blighted love's distracting A thorough-paced
absurdity,
woes! explain it if you
can!
To love's, to love's distracting woes! Explain, explain it if you
can!
love's woes! you can!
[GROSVENOR makes a wild effort to escape up-stage; the GIRLS drag
him back and kneel as the curtain falls.]
ACT II
[SCENE -- A wooded glade, with a view of open country in the
background. The chorus of MAIDENS is heard singing in the
distance. JANE is discovered leaning on a violoncello,
which she has propped up on a tree-stump, L., and upon which
she will presently accompany herself. As the Chorus ends,
she speaks.]
No. 10. On such eyes as maidens cherish
(Opening Chorus)
Maidens
On such eyes as maidens cherish
Lest thy fond adorers gaze,
Or incontinently perish,
In their all-consuming rays!
Or incontinently perish,
In their all-consuming rays!
The fickle crew have deserted Reginald and sworn allegiance
to his rival, and all, forsooth, because he has glanced with
passing favour on a puling milkmaid! Fools! Of that fancy he
will soon weary -- and then, I, who alone am faithful to him,
shall reap my reward. But do not dally too long, Reginald, for
my charms are ripe, Reginald, and already they are decaying.
Better secure me ere I have gone too far!
No. 11. Sad is that woman's lot
(Recitative and Solo)
Jane
Sad is that woman's lot who, year by year,
Sees, one by one, her beauties disappear,
When Time, grown weary of her heart-drawn sighs,
Impatiently begins to dim her eyes!
Compelled, at last, in life's uncertain gloamings,
To wreathe her wrinkled brow with well-saved
"combings,"
Reduced, with rouge, lip-shade, and pearly grey,
To "make up" for lost time as best she may!
Silvered is the raven hair,
Spreading is the parting straight,
Mottled the complexion fair,
Halting is the youthful gait,
Hollow is the laughter free,
Spectacled the limpid eye,
Little will be left of me
In the coming bye and bye!
Little will be left of me
In the coming bye and bye!
Fading is the taper waist,
Shapeless grows the shapely limb,
And although severely laced,
Spreading is the figure trim!
Stouter than I used to be,
Still more corpulent grow I--
There will be too much of me
In the coming by and bye!
There will be too much of me
In the coming by and bye!
[Exit, L., carrying her violoncello.]
[Enter GROSVENOR, R., followed by MAIDENS, two and two, playing
on archaic instruments as in Act I. He is reading
abstractedly, as BUNTHORNE did in Act I, and pays no
attention to them.]
No. 12. Turn, oh, turn in this direction
(Chorus)
Maidens
Turn, oh, turn in this direction,
Shed, oh, shed a gentle smile,
With a glance of sad perfection,
Our poor fainting hearts beguile!
On such eyes as maidens cherish
Let thy fond adorers gaze,
Or incontinently perish,
In their all-consuming rays!
Or incontinently perish,
In their all-consuming rays!
[GROSVENOR sits, R.; they group themselves around him in a
formation similar to that which opens Act I.]
[aside, not looking up] The old, old tale. How
rapturously these maidens love me, and how hopelessly! [He looks
up.] Oh, Patience, Patience, with the love of thee in my heart,
what have I for these poor mad maidens but an unvalued pity?
Alas, they will die of hopeless love for me, as I shall die of
hopeless love for thee!
Sir, will it please you read to us?
[sighing] Yes, child, if you will. What shall I read?
One of your own poems.
One of my own poems? Better not, my child. They will not
cure thee of thy love. [All sigh.]
Mr. Bunthorne used to read us a poem of his own every day.
And, to do him justice, he read them extremely well.
Oh, did he so? Well, who am I that I should take upon
myself to withhold my gifts from you? What am I but a trustee?
Here is a decalet -- a pure and simple thing, a very daisy -- a
babe might understand it. To appreciate it, it is not necessary
to think of anything at all.
Let us think of nothing at all!
[reciting]
Gentle Jane was as good as gold,
She always did as she was told;
She never spoke when her mouth was full,
Or caught bluebottles their legs to pull,
Or spilt plum jam on her nice new frock,
Or put white mice in the eight-day clock,
Or vivisected her last new doll,
Or fostered a passion for alcohol.
And when she grew up she was given in marriage
To a first-class earl who keeps his carriage!
I believe I am right in saying that there is not one word
in that decalet which is calculated to bring the blush of shame
to the cheek of modesty.
Not one; it is purity itself.
Here's another.
Teasing Tom was a very bad boy,
A great big squirt was his favourite toy
He put live shrimps in his father's boots,
And sewed up the sleeves of his Sunday suits;
He punched his poor little sisters' heads,
And cayenne-peppered their four-post beds;
He plastered their hair with cobbler's wax,
And dropped hot halfpennies down their backs.
The consequence was he was lost totally,
And married a girl in the corps de bally!
[The MAIDENS express intense horror.]
Marked you how grandly -- how relentlessly -- the damning
catalogue of crime strode on, till Retribution, like a poised
hawk, came swooping down upon the Wrong-Doer? Oh, it was
terrible! [All shudder.]
Oh, sir, you are indeed a true poet, for you touch our
hearts, and they go out to you!
[aside] This is simply cloying. [aloud] Ladies, I am
sorry to appear ungallant, but this is Saturday, and you have
been following me about ever since Monday. I should like the
usual half-holiday. I shall take it as a personal favour if you
will kindly allow me to close early to-day.
Oh, sir, do not send us from you!
Poor, poor girls! It is best to speak plainly. I know
that I am loved by you, but I never can love you in return, for
my heart is fixed elsewhere! Remember the fable of the Magnet
and the Churn.
[wildly] But we don't know the fable of the Magnet and
the Churn!
Don't you? Then I will sing it to you.
No. 13. A magnet hung in a hardware shop
(Solo and Chorus)
Grosvenor and Maidens
A magnet hung in a hardware shop,
And all around was a loving crop
Of scissors and needles, nails and knives,
Offering love for all their lives;
But for iron the magnet felt no whim,
Though he charmed iron, it charmed not him;
From needles and nails and knives he'd turn,
For he'd set his love on a Silver Churn!
A Silver Churn!
A Silver Churn!
His most aesthetic,
Very magnetic
Fancy took this turn--
"If I can wheedle
A knife or a needle,
Why not a Silver Churn?"
His most aesthetic,
Very magnetic
Fancy took this turn--
"If I can wheedle
A knife or a needle,
Why not a Silver Churn?"
[He rises, going C.]
And Iron and Steel expressed surprise,
The needles opened their well-drilled eyes,
The penknives felt "shut up", no doubt,
The scissors declared themselves "cut out",
The kettles they boiled with rage, 'tis said,
While ev'ry nail went off its head,
And hither and thither began to roam,
Till a hammer came up and drove them home.
It drove them home?
It drove them home!
While this magnetic,
Peripatetic
Lover he lived to learn,
By no endeavour
Can magnet ever
Attract a Silver Churn!
While this magnetic,
Peripatetic
Lover he lived to learn,
and
By no endeavour
Can magnet ever
Attract a Silver Churn!
[They go off in low spirits, R.U.E., gazing back at him from time
to time.]
At last they are gone! What is this mysterious
fascination that I seem to exercise over all I come across? A
curse on my fatal beauty, for I am sick of conquests! [Goes R.]
[Enter PATIENCE, L. Stops L.C. on seeing GROSVENOR.]
[Turns and sees her.] Patience!
I have escaped with difficulty from my Reginald. I
wanted to see you so much that I might ask you if you still love
me as fondly as ever?
Love you? If the devotion of a lifetime-- [seizing her
hand.]
[indignantly] Hold! Unhand me, or I scream! [He
releases her.] If you are a gentleman, pray remember that I am
another's! [very tenderly.] But you do love me, don't you?
Madly, hopelessly, despairingly!
That's right! I never can be yours; but that's right!
And you love this Bunthorne?
With a heart-whole ecstasy that withers, and scorches,
and burns, and stings! [sadly] It is my duty.
Admirable girl! But you are not happy with him?
Happy? I am miserable beyond description!
That's right! I never can be yours; but that's right!
But go now. I see dear Reginald approaching.
Farewell, dear Archibald; I cannot tell you how happy it has made
me to know that you still love me.
Ah, if I only dared-- [advancing towards her]
Sir! this language to one who is promised to another!
[tenderly] Oh, Archibald, think of me sometimes, for my heart is
breaking! He is unkind to me, and you would be so loving!
Loving! [advancing towards her]
Advance one step, and as I am a good and pure woman, I
scream! [tenderly] Farewell, Archibald! [sternly] Stop there!
[tenderly] Think of me sometimes! [angrily] Advance at your
peril! Once more, adieu!
[GROSVENOR sighs, gazes sorrowfully at her, sighs deeply, and
exits, R. She bursts into tears.]
[Enter BUNTHORNE, followed by JANE. He is moody and
preoccupied.]
In a doleful train
(Solo)
Jane
In a doleful train
One and one I walk all day;
For I love in vain--
None so sorrowful as they
Who can only sigh and say,
Woe is me, alackaday!
[seeing PATIENCE] Crying, eh? What are you crying about?
I've only been thinking how dearly I love you!
Love me! Bah!
Love him! Bah!
[to JANE] Don't you interfere.
He always crushes me!
[going to him] What is the matter, dear Reginald? If
you have any sorrow, tell it to me, that I may share it with you.
[sighing] It is my duty!
[snappishly] Whom were you talking with just now?
With dear Archibald.
[furiously] With dear Archibald! Upon my honour, this is
too much!
A great deal too much!
[angrily to JANE] Do be quiet!
Crushed again!
I think he is the noblest, purest, and most perfect
being I have ever met. But I don't love him. It is true that he
is devotedly attached to me, but I don't love him. Whenever he
grows affectionate, I scream. It is my duty! [sighing]
I dare say!
So do I! I dare say!
Why, how could I love him and love you too? You can't
love two people at once!
Oh, can't you, though!
No, you can't; I only wish you could.
I don't believe you know what love is!
[sighing] Yes, I do. There was a happy time when I
didn't, but a bitter experience has taught me.
[BUNTHORNE, noticing that JANE is not looking at him, goes off
quickly up R. She turns, sees him, and runs after him.]
No. 14. Love is a plaintive song
(Solo)
Patience
Love is a plaintive song,
Sung by a suff'ring maid,
Telling a tale of wrong,
Telling of hope betrayed;
Tuned to each changing note,
Sorry when he is sad,
Blind to his ev'ry mote,
Merry when he is glad!
Merry when he is glad!
Love that no wrong can cure,
Love that is always new,
That is the love that's pure,
That is the love that's true!
Love that no wrong can cure,
Love that is always new,
That is the love that's pure,
That is the love, the love that's true!
Rendering good for ill,
Smiling at ev'ry frown,
Yielding your own self-will,
Laughing your teardrops down;
Never a selfish whim,
Trouble, or pain to stir;
Everything for him,
Nothing at all for her!
Nothing at all for her!
Love that will aye endure,
Though the rewards be few,
That is the love that's pure,
That is the love that's true!
Love that will aye endure,
Though the rewards be few,
That is the love that's pure,
That is the love, the love that's true!
[At the end of ballad exit PATIENCE, L., weeping. Enter
BUNTHORNE, R., JANE following.]
Everything has gone wrong with me since that smug-faced
idiot came here. Before that I was admired -- I may say, loved.
Too mild -- adored!
Do let a poet soliloquize! The damozels used to follow me
wherever I went; now they all follow him!
Not all! I am still faithful to you.
Yes, and a pretty damozel you are!
No, not pretty. Massive. Cheer up! I will never leave
you, I swear it!
Oh, thank you! I know what it is; it's his confounded
mildness. They find me too highly spiced, if you please! And no
doubt I am highly spiced.
Not for my taste!
[savagely] No, but I am for theirs. But I will show the
world I can be as mild as he. If they want insipidity, they
shall have it. I'll meet this fellow on his own ground and beat
him on it.
You shall. And I will help you.
You will? Jane, there's a good deal of good in you, after
all!
No. 15. So go to him and say to him
(Duet)
Jane and Bunthorne
[Dance]
So go to him and say to him, with compliment ironical--
Sing "Hey to you--
Good-day to you"--
And that's what I shall say!
"Your style is much too sanctified -- your cut is too
canonical"--
Sing "Bah to you--
Ha! ha! to you"--
And that's what I shall say!
"I was the beau ideal of the morbid young aesthetical--
To doubt my inspiration was regarded as heretical--
Until you cut me out with your placidity emetical."
Sing "Booh to you--
Pooh, pooh to you"--
And that's what I shall say!
Sing "Booh to you--
Pooh, pooh to you"--
And that's what I shall say!
Sing "Hey to you -- good-day to you"-- "Hey,
Sing "Bah to you -- ha! ha! to you"-- Good-day
Sing "Booh to you -- pooh, pooh to you"-- Bah.
And that's what you should say! ha! ha!
Sing "Hey to you -- good-day to you"-- "Booh,
Sing "Bah to you --ha! ha! to you"-- pooh-pooh
Sing "Booh to you"-- Bah.
And that's what you should say! And that's what I shall
say!
"Bah, bah," "Booh, booh,"
And that's what you should say! And that's what I shall
say!
"Booh, booh," "Bah, bah,"
And that's what you should say! And that's what I shall
say!
I'll tell him that unless he will consent to be more
jocular--
Sing "Booh to you--
Pooh, pooh to you"--
And that's what you should say!
To cut his curly hair, and stick an eyeglass in his
ocular--
Sing "Bah to you--
Ha! ha! to you"--
And that's what you should say!
To stuff his conversation full of quibble and of
quiddity,
To dine on chops and roly-poly pudding with
avidity--
He'd better clear away with all convenient
rapidity.
Sing "Hey to you--
Good-day to you"--
And that's what you should say!
Sing "Booh to you--
Pooh, pooh to you"--
And that's what I shall say!
Sing "Hey to you -- good-day to you"-- "Hey,
Sing "Bah to you -- ha! ha! to you"-- Good-day
Sing "Booh to you -- pooh, pooh to you"-- Bah.
And that's what you should say! ha! ha!
Sing "Hey to you -- good-day to you"-- "Booh,
Sing "Bah to you -- ha! ha! to you"-- pooh-pooh
Sing "Booh to you"-- Bah.
And that's what you should say! And that's what I shall
say!
"Bah, bah," "Booh, booh,"
And that's what you should say! And that's what I shall
say!
"Booh, booh," "Bah, bah,"
And that's what you should say! And that's what I shall
say!
[They dance off,
L.]
[Enter DUKE, COLONEL, and MAJOR, R. They have abandoned their
uniforms, and are dressed and made up in imitation of
Aesthetics. They have long hair, and other signs of
attachment to the brotherhood. As they sing they walk in
stiff, constrained, and angular attitudes -- a grotesque
exaggeration of the attitudes adopted by BUNTHORNE and the
young LADIES in Act I.]
[Enter DUKE.. enter MAJOR... enter COLONEL, Attitude. They walk
to C.]
No. 16. It's clear that mediaeval art
(Trio)
Duke, Major, and Colonel
It's clear that medieval art alone retains its zest,
To charm and please its devotees we've done our little best.
We're not quite sure if all we do has the Early English
ring;
But, as far as we can judge, it's something like this sort
of thing:
You hold yourself like this, [attitude]
You hold yourself like that, [attitude]
By hook and crook you try to look both angular and flat
[attitude].
We venture to expect
That what we recollect,
Though but a part of true High Art, will have its due
effect.
If this is not exactly right, we hope you won't upbraid;
You can't get high Aesthetic tastes, like trousers, ready
made.
True views on Medieavalism Time alone will bring,
But, as far as we can judge, it's something like this sort
of thing:
You hold yourself like this, [attitude]
You hold yourself like that, [attitude]
By hook and crook you try to look both angular and flat
[attitude].
To cultivate the trim
Rigidity of limb,
You ought to get a Marionette, and form your style on him
[attitude].
[Attitudes change in time to the music.]
[attitude] Yes, it's quite clear that our only chance of
making a lasting impression on these young ladies is to become as
aesthetic as they are.
[attitude] No doubt. The only question is how far we've
succeeded in doing so. I don't know why, but I've an idea that
this is not quite right.
[attitude] I don't like it. I never did. I don't see what
it means. I do it, but I don't like it.
My good friend, the question is not whether we like it,
but whether they do. They understand these things -- we don't.
Now I shouldn't be surprised if this is effective enough -- at a
distance.
I can't help thinking we're a little stiff at it. It
would be extremely awkward if we were to be "struck" so!
I don't think we shall be struck so. Perhaps we're a
little awkward at first -- but everything must have a beginning.
Oh, here they come! 'Tention!
[They strike fresh attitudes, as ANGELA and SAPHIR enter, L.]
[seeing them] Oh, Saphir -- see -- see! The immortal
fire has descended on them, and they are of the Inner Brotherhood
-- perceptively intense and consummately utter.
[The OFFICERS have some difficulty in maintaining their
constrained attitudes.]
[in admiration] How Botticelian! How Fra Angelican! Oh,
Art, we thank thee for this boon!
[apologetically] I'm afraid we're not quite right.
Not supremely, perhaps, but oh, so all -- but!
[to SAPHIR] Oh, Saphir, are they not quite too all -- but?
They are indeed jolly utter!
[in agony] I wonder what the Inner Brotherhood usually
recommend for cramp?
Ladies, we will not deceive you. We are doing this at
some personal inconvenience with a view of expressing the
extremity of our devotion to you. We trust that it is not
without its effect.
We will not deny that we are much moved by this proof of
your attachment.
Yes, your conversion to the principles of Aesthetic Art
in its highest development has touched us deeply.
And if Mr. Bunthorne should remain obdurate--
Which we have every reason to believe he will--
[aside, in agony] I wish they'd make haste! [The others
hush him.]
We are not prepared to say that our yearning hearts will
not go out to you.
[as giving a word of command] By sections of threes --
Rapture! [All strike a fresh attitude, expressive of aesthetic
rapture.]
Oh, it's extremely good -- for beginners it's admirable.
The only question is, who will take who?
Oh, the Duke chooses first, as a matter of course.
Oh, I couldn't thank of it -- you are really too good!
Nothing of the kind. You are a great matrimonial fish,
and it's only fair that each of these ladies should have a chance
of hooking you. It's perfectly simple. Observe, suppose you
choose Angela, I take Saphir, Major takes nobody. [with
increasing speed] Suppose you choose Saphir, Major tales Angela,
I take nobody. Suppose you choose neither, I take Angela, Major
takes Saphir. Clear as day!
[The officers, with obvious relief, abandon their aesthetic
attitudes, and, with the Ladies, dance into position. L. to
R. 1st verse: Colonel with Angela; Duke with Saphir; Major
alone. 2nd verse: Colonel alone; Angela with Duke; Saphir
with Major. 3rd verse: Colonel with Saphir; Duke alone;
Angela with Major.]
No. 17. If Saphir I choose to marry
Quintet
Duke, Colonel, Major, Angela, and Saphir
If Saphir I choose to marry,
I shall be fixed up for life;
Then the Colonel need not tarry,
Angela can be his wife.
In that case unprecedented,
Single I shall live and die--
I shall have to be contented
With their heartfelt sympathy!
He will have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!
In that case unprecedented,
Single he/I will/shall live and die--
He/I will/shall have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!
He/I will/shall have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!
He/I will/shall have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!
If on Angy I determine,
At my wedding she'll appear,
Decked in diamond and ermine.
Major then can take Saphir!
In that case unprecedented,
Single I shall live and die--
I shall have to be contented
With their heartfelt sympathy!
He/I will/shall have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!
In that case unprecedented,
Single he/I will/shall live and die--
He/I will/shall have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!
He/I will/shall have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!
He/I will/shall have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!
[Positions at beginning of Verse 3: L. to R., COLONEL, ANGELA,
DUKE, SAPHIR, MAJOR]
After some debate internal,
If on neither I decide,
Saphir then can take the Colonel,
[Hands her to the COLONEL.]
Angy be the Major's bride!
[Hands her to the MAJOR.]
In that case unprecedented,
Single I shall live and die--
I shall have to be contented
With their heartfelt sympathy!
He will have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!
In that case unprecedented,
Single he/I will/shall live and die--
He/I will/shall have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!
He/I will/shall have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!
He/I will/shall have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!
[They dance off, arm-in-arm, up-stage and off, L.U.E., the
COLONEL leading with SAPHIR.]
[Enter GROSVENOR, R.U.E.]
It is very pleasant to be alone. It is pleasant to be
able to gaze at leisure upon those features which all others may
gaze upon at their good will! [Looking at his reflection in
hand-mirror.] Ah, I am a very Narcissus!
[Enter BUNTHORNE, L. moodily.]
It's no use; I can't live without admiration. Since
Grosvenor came here, insipidity has been at a premium. Ah, he is
there!
Ah, Bunthorne! Come here -- look! Very graceful, isn't
it!
[taking hand-mirror] Allow me; I haven't seen it. Yes, it
is graceful.
[taking back the mirror) Oh, good gracious! not that --
this--
You don't mean that! Bah! I am in no mood for trifling.
And what is amiss?
Ever since you came here, you have entirely monopolized the
attentions of the young ladies. I don't like it, sir!
My dear sir, how can I help it? They are the plague of my
life. My dear Mr. Bunthorne, with your personal disadvantages,
you can have no idea of the inconvenience of being madly loved,
at first sight, by every woman you meet.
Sir, until you came here I was adored!
Exactly -- until I came here. That's my grievance. I cut
everybody out! I assure you, if you could only suggest some
means whereby, consistently with my duty to society, I could
escape these inconvenient attentions, you would earn my
everlasting gratitude.
I will do so at once. However popular it may be with the
world at large, your personal appearance is highly objectionable
to me.
It is? [shaking his hand] Oh, thank you! thank you! How
can I express my gratitude?
By making a complete change at once. Your conversation
must henceforth be perfectly matter-of-fact. You must cut your
hair, and have a back parting. In appearance and costume you
must be absolutely commonplace.
[decidedly] No. Pardon me, that's impossible.
Take care! When I am thwarted I am very terrible.
I can't help that. I am a man with a mission. And that
mission must be fulfilled.
I don't think you quite appreciate the consequences of
thwarting me.
I don't care what they are.
Suppose -- I won't go so far as to say that I will do it --
but suppose for one moment I were to curse you? [GROSVENOR
quails.] Ah! Very well. Take care.
But surely you would never do that? [In great alarm]
I don't know. It would be an extreme measure, no doubt.
Still--
[wildly] But you would not do it -- I am sure you would
not. [Throwing himself at BUNTHORNE's knees, and clinging to him]
Oh, reflect, reflect! You had a mother once.
Never!
Then you had an aunt! [BUNTHORNE affected.] Ah! I see
you had! By the memory of that aunt, I implore you to pause ere
you resort to this last fearful expedient. Oh, Mr. Bunthorne,
reflect, reflect! [Weeping]
[aside, after a struggle with himself] I must not allow
myself to be unmanned! [aloud] It is useless. Consent at once,
or may a nephew's curse--
Hold! Are you absolutely resolved?
Absolutely.
Will nothing shake you?
Nothing. I am adamant.
Very good. [rising] Then I yield.
Ha! You swear it?
I do, cheerfully. I have long wished for a reasonable
pretext for such a change as you suggest. It has come at last.
I do it on compulsion!
Victory! I triumph!
No. 18. When I go out of door
(Duet)
Bunthorne and Grosvenor
[Each one dances around the stage while the other is singing his
solo verses.]
When I go out of door,
Of damozels a score
(All sighing and burning,
And clinging and yearning)
Will follow me as before.
I shall, with cultured taste,
Distinguish gems from paste,
And "High diddle diddle"
Will rank as an idyll,
If I pronounce it chaste!
A most intense young man,
A soulful-eyed young man,
An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical,
Out-of-the-way young man!
Conceive me, if you can,
An ev'ryday young man:
A commonplace type,
With a stick and a pipe,
And a half-bred black-and-tan;
Who thinks suburban "hops"
More fun than "Monday Pops,"--
Who's fond of his dinner,
And doesn't get thinner
On bottled beer and chops.
A commonplace young man,
A matter-of-fact young man--
A steady and stolidy, jolly Bank-holiday,
Every-day young man!
A Japanese young man--
A blue-and-white young man--
Francesca di Rimini, miminy, piminy,
Je-ne-sais-quoi young man!
A Chancery lane young man--
A Somerset House young man,--
A very delectable, highly respectable
Three-penny-bus young man!
A pallid and thin young man--
A haggard and lank young man,
A greenery-yallery, Grosvenor Gallery,
Foot-in-the-grave young man!
A Sewell and Cross young man,
A Howell & James young man,
A pushing young particle -- "What's the next
article?"--
Waterloo House young man!
Conceive me, if you can, Conceive me, if you can,
A crotchety, cracked young man, A matter-of-fact young man,
An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical, An alphabetical,
arithmetical,
Out-of-the way young man! Every day young man!
Conceive me, if you can, Conceive me, if you can,
A crotchety, cracked young man, A matter-of-fact young man,
An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical, An alphabetical,
arithmetical,
Out-of-the way young man! Every day young man!
[GROSVENOR dances off, L.U.E. ]
It is all right! I have committed my last act of ill-
nature, and henceforth I'm a changed character.
[Dances about stage, humming refrain of last air. Enter
PATIENCE, L. She gazes in astonishment at him.]
Reginald! Dancing! And -- what in the world is the
matter with you?
Patience, I'm a changed man. Hitherto I've been gloomy,
moody, fitful -- uncertain in temper and selfish in disposition--
You have, indeed! [sighing]
All that is changed. I have reformed. I have modelled
myself upon Mr. Grosvenor. Henceforth I am mildly cheerful. My
conversation will blend amusement with instruction. I shall
still be aesthetic; but my aestheticism will be of the most
pastoral kind.
Oh, Reginald! Is all this true?
Quite true. Observe how amiable I am. [Assuming a fixed
smile]
But, Reginald, how long will this last?
With occasional intervals for rest and refreshment, as long
as I do.
Oh, Reginald, I'm so happy! Oh, dear, dear Reginald, I
cannot express the joy I feel at this change. It will no longer
be a duty to love you, but a pleasure -- a rapture -- an ecstasy!
My darling! [embracing her]
But -- oh, horror! [recoiling from him]
What's the matter?
Is it quite certain that you have absolutely reformed -
- that you are henceforth a perfect being -- utterly free from
defect of any kind?
It is quite certain. I have sworn it.
Then I never can be yours! [crossing to R.C.]
Why not?
Love, to be pure, must be absolutely unselfish, and
there can be nothing unselfish in loving so perfect a being as
you have now become!
But, stop a bit. I don't want to change -- I'll relapse --
I'll be as I was -- interrupted!
[Enter GROSVENOR, L.U.E., followed by all the young LADIES, who
are followed by Chorus of DRAGOONS. He has had his hair
cut, and is dressed in an ordinary suit and a bowler hat.
They all dance cheerfully round the stage in marked contrast
to their former languor.]
No. 19. I'm a Waterloo House young man
(Solo and Chorus)
Grosvenor and Maidens
I'm a Waterloo House young man,
A Sewell & Cross young man,
A steady and stolidy, jolly Bank-holiday,
Everyday young man.
We're Swears & Wells young girls,
We're Madame Louise young girls,
We're prettily pattering, cheerily chattering,
Every-day young girls.
[C.] Angela -- Ella -- Saphir -- what -- what does this
mean?
[R.] It means that Archibald the All-Right cannot be all-
wrong; and if the All-Right chooses to discard aestheticism, it
proves that aestheticism ought to be discarded.
Oh, Archibald! Archibald! I'm shocked -- surprised --
horrified!
[L.C.] I can't help it. I'm not a free agent. I do it on
compulsion.
This is terrible. Go! I shall never set eyes on you
again. But -- oh, joy!
[L.C.] What is the matter?
[R.C.] Is it quite, quite certain that you will always
be a commonplace young man?
Always -- I've sworn it.
Why, then, there's nothing to prevent my loving you
with all the fervour at my command!
Why, that's true.
[crossing to him] My Archibald!
My Patience! [They embrace.]
Crushed again!
[Enter JANE, L.]
[who is still aesthetic] Cheer up! I am still here. I
have never left you, and I never will!
Thank you, Jane. After all, there is no denying it, you're
a fine figure of a woman!
My Reginald!
My Jane! [They embrace.]
Fanfare
[Enter, R., COLONEL, MAJOR, and DUKE They are again in
uniform.]
Ladies, the Duke has at length determined to select a
bride!
[General excitement]
[R.] I have a great gift to bestow. Approach, such of you
as are truly lovely. [All the MAIDENS come forward, bashfully,
except JANE and PATIENCE.] In personal appearance you have all
that is necessary to make a woman happy. In common fairness, I
think I ought to choose the only one among you who has the
misfortune to be distinctly plain. [Girls retire disappointed.]
Jane!
[leaving BUNTHORNE's arms] Duke! [JANE and DUKE embrace.
is utterly disgusted.]
Crushed again!
No. 20. After much debate internal
(Finale of Act II)
Ensemble
[R.C.] After much debate internal,
I on Lady Jane decide,
Saphir now may take the Col'nel,
Angry be the Major's bride!
[SAPHIR pairs off with COLONEL, R., ANGELA with MAJOR, L.C.,
ELLA with SOLICITOR, L.]
[C.] In that case unprecedented,
Single I must live and die--
I shall have to be contented
With a tulip or li-ly!
[BUNTHORNE, C., takes a lily from buttonhole and gazes
affectionately at it.]
SAPHIR, ELLA,
ANGELA, DUKE,
and
He will have to be contented
With a tulip or li-ly!
In that case unprecedented,
Single he/I must live and die--
He will/I shall have to be contented
With a tulip or li-ly!
Greatly pleased with one another,
To get married we/they decide.
Each of us/them will wed the other,
Nobody be Bunthorne's Bride!
Dance
End of Opera
or, The Peer and the Peri
THE LORD CHANCELLOR
EARL OF MOUNTARARAT
EARL TOLLOLLER
PRIVATE WILLIS (of the Grenadier Guards)
STREPHON
(an Arcadian Shepherd)
QUEEN OF THE FAIRIES
IOLANTHE
(a Fairy, Strephon's Mother)
FAIRIES:
CELIA
LEILA
FLETA
PHYLLIS
(an Arcadian Shepherdess and Ward of Chancery)
ACT I
An Arcadian Landscape
ACT II
Palace Yard, Westminster
--An Arcadian Landscape. A river runs around the back of the
stage. A rustic bridge crosses the river.
Enter Fairies, led by Leila, Celia, and Fleta. They trip around
the stage, singing as they dance.
Tripping hither, tripping thither,
Nobody knows why or whither;
We must dance and we must sing
Round about our fairy ring!
We are dainty little fairies,
Ever singing, ever dancing;
We indulge in our vagaries
In a fashion most entrancing.
If you ask the special function
Of our never-ceasing motion,
We reply, without compunction,
That we haven't any notion!
No, we haven't any notion!
Tripping hither, etc.
If you ask us how we live,
Lovers all essentials give--
We can ride on lovers' sighs,
Warm ourselves in lovers' eyes,
Bathe ourselves in lovers' tears,
Clothe ourselves with lovers' fears,
Arm ourselves with lovers' darts,
Hide ourselves in lovers' hearts.
When you know us, you'll discover
That we almost live on lover!
Yes, we live on lover!
Tripping hither, etc.
(At the end of Chorus, all sigh wearily.)
Ah, it's all very well, but since our Queen banished
Iolanthe, fairy revels have not been what they were!
Iolanthe was the life and soul of Fairyland. Why, she
wrote all our songs and arranged all our dances! We sing her songs
and we trip her measures, but we don't enjoy ourselves!
To think that five-and-twenty years have elapsed since
she was banished! What could she have done to have deserved so
terrible a punishment?
Something awful! She married a mortal!
Oh! Is it injudicious to marry a mortal?
Injudicious? It strikes at the root of the whole
fairy system! By our laws, the fairy who marries a mortal dies!
But Iolanthe didn't die!
(Enter Fairy Queen.)
No, because your Queen, who loved her with a
surpassing love, commuted her sentence to penal servitude for life,
on condition that she left her husband and never communicated with
him again!
That sentence of penal servitude she is now working
out, on her head, at the bottom of that stream!
Yes, but when I banished her, I gave her all the
pleasant places of the earth to dwell in. I'm sure I never
intended that she should go and live at the bottom of a stream! It
makes me perfectly wretched to think of the discomfort she must
have undergone!
Think of the damp! And her chest was always delicate.
And the frogs! Ugh! I never shall enjoy any peace of
mind until I know why Iolanthe went to live among the frogs!
Then why not summon her and ask her?
Why? Because if I set eyes on her I should forgive
her at once!
Then why not forgive her? Twenty-five years--it's a
long time!
Think how we loved her!
Loved her? What was your love to mine? Why, she was
invaluable to me! Who taught me to curl myself inside a buttercup?
Iolanthe! Who taught me to swing upon a cobweb? Iolanthe! Who
taught me to dive into a dewdrop--to nestle in a nutshell--to
gambol upon gossamer? Iolanthe!
She certainly did surprising things!
Oh, give her back to us, great Queen, for your sake if
not for ours! (All kneel in supplication.)
(irresolute) Oh, I should be strong, but I am weak!
I should be marble, but I am clay! Her punishment has been heavier
than I intended. I did not mean that she should live among the
frogs--and--well, well, it shall be as you wish--it shall be as you
wish!
Iolanthe!
From thy dark exile thou art summoned!
Come to our call--
Come, come, Iolanthe!
Iolanthe!
Iolanthe!
Come to our call, Iolanthe!
Iolanthe, come!
(Iolanthe rises from the water. She is clad in water-weeds. She
approaches the Queen with head bent and arms crossed.)
With humbled breast
And every hope laid low,
To thy behest,
Offended Queen, I bow!
For a dark sin against our fairy laws
We sent thee into life-long banishment;
But mercy holds her sway within our hearts--
Rise--thou art pardoned!
Pardoned!
Pardoned!
(Her weeds fall from her, and she appears clothed as a fairy. The
Queen places a diamond coronet on her head, and embraces her. The
others also embrace her.)
Welcome to our hearts again,
Iolanthe! Iolanthe!
We have shared thy bitter pain,
Iolanthe! Iolanthe!
Every heart and every hand
In our loving little band
Welcomes thee to Fairyland,
Iolanthe!
And now, tell me, with all the world to choose from,
why on earth did you decide to live at the bottom of that stream?
To be near my son, Strephon.
Bless my heart, I didn't know you had a son.
He was born soon after I left my husband by your royal
command--but he does not even know of his father's existence.
How old is he?
Twenty-four.
Twenty-four! No one, to look at you, would think you
had a son of twenty-four! But that's one of the advantages of
being immortal. We never grow old! Is he pretty?
He's extremely pretty, but he's inclined to be stout.
ALL (disappointed). Oh!
I see no objection to stoutness, in moderation.
And what is he?
He's an Arcadian shepherd--and he loves Phyllis, a Ward
in Chancery.
A mere shepherd! and he half a fairy!
He's a fairy down to the waist--but his legs are mortal.
Dear me!
I have no reason to suppose that I am more curious
than other people, but I confess I should like to see a person who
is a fairy down to the waist, but whose legs are mortal.
Nothing easier, for here he comes!
(Enter Strephon, singing and dancing and playing on a flageolet.
He does not see the Fairies, who retire up stage as he enters.)
Good morrow, good mother!
Good mother, good morrow!
By some means or other,
Pray banish your sorrow!
With joy beyond telling
My bosom is swelling,
So join in a measure
Expressive of pleasure,
For I'm to be married to-day--to-day--
Yes, I'm to be married to-day!
(aside). Yes, he's to be married to-day--to-day--
Yes, he's to be married to-day!
Then the Lord Chancellor has at last given his consent
to your marriage with his beautiful ward, Phyllis?
Not he, indeed. To all my tearful prayers he answers
me, "A shepherd lad is no fit helpmate for a Ward of Chancery." I
stood in court, and there I sang him songs of Arcadee, with
flageolet accompaniment--in vain. At first he seemed amused, so
did the Bar; but quickly wearying of my song and pipe, bade me get
out. A servile usher then, in crumpled bands and rusty bombazine,
led me, still singing, into Chancery Lane! I'll go no more; I'll
marry her to-day, and brave the upshot, be it what it may! (Sees
Fairies.) But who are these?
Oh, Strephon! rejoice with me, my Queen has pardoned
me!
Pardoned you, mother? This is good news indeed.
And these ladies are my beloved sisters.
Your sisters! Then they are--my aunts!
A pleasant piece of news for your bride on her wedding
day!
Hush! My bride knows nothing of my fairyhood. I
dare not tell her, lest it frighten her. She thinks me mortal, and
prefers me so.
Your fairyhood doesn't seem to have done you much
good.
Much good! My dear aunt! it's the curse of my
existence! What's the use of being half a fairy? My body can
creep through a keyhole, but what's the good of that when my legs
are left kicking behind? I can make myself invisible down to the
waist, but that's of no use when my legs remain exposed to view!
My brain is a fairy brain, but from the waist downwards I'm a
gibbering idiot. My upper half is immortal, but my lower half
grows older every day, and some day or other must die of old age.
What's to become of my upper half when I've buried my lower half I
really don't know!
Poor fellow!
I see your difficulty, but with a fairy brain you
should seek an intellectual sphere of action. Let me see. I've a
borough or two at my disposal. Would you like to go into
Parliament?
A fairy Member! That would be delightful!
I'm afraid I should do no good there--you see, down
to the waist, I'm a Tory of the most determined description, but my
legs are a couple of confounded Radicals, and, on a division,
they'd be sure to take me into the wrong lobby. You see, they're
two to one, which is a strong working majority.
Don't let that distress you; you shall be returned as
a Liberal-Conservative, and your legs shall be our peculiar care.
(bowing). I see your Majesty does not do things by
halves.
No, we are fairies down to the feet.
Fare thee well, attractive stranger.
Fare thee well, attractive stranger.
Shouldst thou be in doubt or danger,
Peril or perplexitee,
Call us, and we'll come to thee!
Aye! Call us, and we'll come to thee!
Tripping hither, tripping thither,
Nobody knows why or whither;
We must now be taking wing
To another fairy ring!
(Fairies and Queen trip off, Iolanthe, who takes an affectionate
farewell of her son, going off last.)
(Enter Phyllis, singing and dancing, and accompanying herself on a
flageolet.)
Good morrow, good lover!
Good lover, good morrow!
I prithee discover,
Steal, purchase, or borrow
Some means of concealing
The care you are feeling,
And join in a measure
Expressive of pleasure,
For we're to be married to-day--to-day!
Yes, we're to be married to-day!
Yes, we're to be married, etc.
(embracing her). My Phyllis! And to-day we are to be
made happy for ever.
Well, we're to be married.
It's the same thing.
I suppose it is. But oh, Strephon, I tremble at the
step I'm taking! I believe it's penal servitude for life to marry
a Ward of Court without the Lord Chancellor's consent! I shall be
of age in two years. Don't you think you could wait two years?
Two years. Have you ever looked in the glass?
No, never.
Here, look at that (showing her a pocket mirror), and
tell me if you think it rational to expect me to wait two years?
(looking at herself). No. You're quite right--it's
asking too much. One must be reasonable.
Besides, who knows what will happen in two years?
Why, you might fall in love with the Lord Chancellor himself by
that time!
Yes. He's a clean old gentleman.
As it is, half the House of Lords are sighing at your
feet.
The House of Lords are certainly extremely attentive.
Attentive? I should think they were! Why did
five-and-twenty Liberal Peers come down to shoot over your
grass-plot last autumn? It couldn't have been the sparrows. Why
did five-and-twenty Conservative Peers come down to fish your pond?
Don't tell me it was the gold-fish! No, no--delays are dangerous,
and if we are to marry, the sooner the better.
None shall part us from each other,
One in life and death are we:
All in all to one another--
I to thee and thou to me!
Thou the tree and I the flower--
Thou the idol; I the throng--
Thou the day and I the hour--
Thou the singer; I the song!
All in all since that fond meeting
When, in joy, I woke to find
Mine the heart within thee beating,
Mine the love that heart enshrined!
Thou the stream and I the willow--
Thou the sculptor; I the clay--
Thou the Ocean; I the billow--
Thou the sunrise; I the day!
(Exeunt Strephon and Phyllis
together.)
(March. Enter Procession of Peers.)
Loudly let the trumpet bray!
Tantantara!
Proudly bang the sounding brasses!
Tzing! Boom!
As upon its lordly way
This unique procession passes,
Tantantara! Tzing! Boom!
Bow, bow, ye lower middle classes!
Bow, bow, ye tradesmen, bow, ye masses!
Blow the trumpets, bang the brasses!
Tantantara! Tzing! Boom!
We are peers of highest station,
Paragons of legislation,
Pillars of the British nation!
Tantantara! Tzing! Boom!
(Enter the Lord Chancellor, followed by his train-bearer.)
The Law is the true embodiment
Of everything that's excellent.
It has no kind of fault or flaw,
And I, my Lords, embody the Law.
The constitutional guardian I
Of pretty young Wards in Chancery,
All very agreeable girls--and none
Are over the age of twenty-one.
A pleasant occupation for
A rather susceptible Chancellor!
A pleasant, etc.
But though the compliment implied
Inflates me with legitimate pride,
It nevertheless can't be denied
That it has its inconvenient side.
For I'm not so old, and not so plain,
And I'm quite prepared to marry again,
But there'd be the deuce to pay in the Lords
If I fell in love with one of my Wards!
Which rather tries my temper, for
I'm such a susceptible Chancellor!
Which rather, etc.
And every one who'd marry a Ward
Must come to me for my accord,
And in my court I sit all day,
Giving agreeable girls away,
With one for him--and one for he--
And one for you--and one for ye--
And one for thou--and one for thee--
But never, oh, never a one for me!
Which is exasperating for
A highly susceptible Chancellor!
Which is, etc.
(Enter Lord Tolloller.)
And now, my Lords, to the business of the day.
By all means. Phyllis, who is a Ward of Court, has
so powerfully affected your Lordships, that you have appealed to me
in a body to give her to whichever one of you she may think proper
to select, and a noble Lord has just gone to her cottage to request
her immediate attendance. It would be idle to deny that I, myself,
have the misfortune to be singularly attracted by this young
person. My regard for her is rapidly undermining my constitution.
Three months ago I was a stout man. I need say no more. If I
could reconcile it with my duty, I should unhesitatingly award her
to myself, for I can conscientiously say that I know no man who is
so well fitted to render her exceptionally happy. (Peers: Hear,
hear!) But such an award would be open to misconstruction, and
therefore, at whatever personal inconvenience, I waive my claim.
My Lord, I desire, on the part of this House, to
express its sincere sympathy with your Lordship's most painful
position.
I thank your Lordships. The feelings of a Lord
Chancellor who is in love with a Ward of Court are not to be
envied. What is his position? Can he give his own consent to his
own marriage with his own Ward? Can he marry his own Ward without
his own consent? And if he marries his own Ward without his own
consent, can he commit himself for contempt of his own Court? And
if he commit himself for contempt of his own Court, can he appear
by counsel before himself, to move for arrest of his own judgement?
Ah, my Lords, it is indeed painful to have to sit upon a woolsack
which is stuffed with such thorns as these!
(Enter Lord Mountararat.)
My Lord, I have much pleasure in announcing that
I have succeeded in inducing the young person to present herself at
the Bar of this House.
(Enter Phyllis.)
My well-loved Lord and Guardian dear,
You summoned me, and I am here!
Oh, rapture, how beautiful!
How gentle--how dutiful!
Of all the young ladies I know
This pretty young lady's the fairest;
Her lips have the rosiest show,
Her eyes are the richest and rarest.
Her origin's lowly, it's true,
But of birth and position I've plenty;
I've grammar and spelling for two,
And blood and behaviour for twenty!
Her origin's lowly, it's true,
I've grammar and spelling for two;
Of birth and position he's plenty,
With blood and behaviour for twenty!
Though the views of the House have diverged
On every conceivable motion,
All questions of Party are merged
In a frenzy of love and devotion;
If you ask us distinctly to say
What Party we claim to belong to,
We reply, without doubt or delay,
The Party I'm singing this song to!
I'm very much pained to refuse,
But I'll stick to my pipes and my tabors;
I can spell all the words that I use,
And my grammar's as good as my neighbours'.
As for birth--I was born like the rest,
My behaviour is rustic but hearty,
And I know where to turn for the best,
When I want a particular Party!
Though her station is none of the best,
I suppose she was born like the rest;
And she knows where to look for her hearty,
When she wants a particular Party!
Nay, tempt me not.
To rank I'll not be bound;
In lowly cot
Alone is virtue found!
No, no; indeed high rank will never hurt you,
The Peerage is not destitute of virtue.
Spurn not the nobly born
With love affected,
Nor treat with virtuous scorn
The well-connected.
High rank involves no shame--
We boast an equal claim
With him of humble name
To be respected!
Blue blood! blue blood!
When virtuous love is sought
Thy power is naught,
Though dating from the Flood,
Blue blood! Ah, blue blood!
When virtuous love is sought, etc.
Spare us the bitter pain
Of stern denials,
Nor with low-born disdain
Augment our trials.
Hearts just as pure and fair
May beat in Belgrave Square
As in the lowly air
Of Seven Dials!
Blue blood! blue blood!
Of what avail art thou
To serve us now?
Though dating from the Flood,
Blue blood! Ah, blue blood!
Of what avail art thou, etc.
My Lords, it may not be.
With grief my heart is riven!
You waste your time on me,
For ah! my heart is given!
Given!
Yes, given!
Oh, horror!!!
And who has dared to brave our high displeasure,
And thus defy our definite command?
(Enter Strephon.)
'Tis I--young Strephon! mine this priceless treasure!
Against the world I claim my darling's hand!
(Phyllis rushes to his arms.)
A shepherd I--
A shepherd he!
Of Arcady-
Of Arcadee!
Betrothed are we!
Betrothed are they--
And mean to be-
Espoused to-day!
A shepherd I A shepherd he
Of Arcady, Of Arcadee,
Betrothed are we, Betrothed is he,
And mean to be And means to be
Espoused to-day! Espoused to-day!
(aside to each other).
'Neath this blow,
Worse than stab of dagger--
Though we mo-
Mentarily stagger,
In each heart
Proud are we innately--
Let's depart,
Dignified and stately!
Let's depart,
Dignified and stately!
Though our hearts she's badly bruising,
In another suitor choosing,
Let's pretend it's most amusing.
Ha! ha! ha! Tan-ta-ra!
(Exeunt all the Peers, marching round stage with much dignity.
Lord Chancellor separates Phyllis from Strephon and orders her off.
She follows Peers. Manent Lord Chancellor and Strephon.)
Now, sir, what excuse have you to offer for having
disobeyed an order of the Court of Chancery?
My Lord, I know no Courts of Chancery; I go by
Nature's Acts of Parliament. The bees--the breeze--the seas--the
rooks--the brooks--the gales--the vales--the fountains and the
mountains cry, "You love this maiden--take her, we command you!"
'Tis writ in heaven by the bright barbed dart that leaps forth into
lurid light from each grim thundercloud. The very rain pours forth
her sad and sodden sympathy! When chorused Nature bids me take my
love, shall I reply, "Nay, but a certain Chancellor forbids it"?
Sir, you are England's Lord High Chancellor, but are you Chancellor
of birds and trees, King of the winds and Prince of thunderclouds?
No. It's a nice point. I don't know that I ever
met it before. But my difficulty is that at present there's no
evidence before the Court that chorused Nature has interested
herself in the matter.
No evidence! You have my word for it. I tell you
that she bade me take my love.
Ah! but, my good sir, you mustn't tell us what she
told you--it's not evidence. Now an affidavit from a thunderstorm,
or a few words on oath from a heavy shower, would meet with all the
attention they deserve.
And have you the heart to apply the prosaic rules of
evidence to a case which bubbles over with poetical emotion?
Distinctly. I have always kept my duty strictly
before my eyes, and it is to that fact that I owe my advancement to
my present distinguished position.
When I went to the Bar as a very young man,
(Said I to myself--said I),
I'll work on a new and original plan,
(Said I to myself--said I),
I'll never assume that a rogue or a thief
Is a gentleman worthy implicit belief,
Because his attorney has sent me a brief,
(Said I to myself--said I!).
Ere I go into court I will read my brief through
(Said I to myself--said I),
And I'll never take work I'm unable to do
(Said I to myself-said I),
My learned profession I'll never disgrace
By taking a fee with a grin on my face,
When I haven't been there to attend to the case
(Said I to myself--said I!).
I'll never throw dust in a juryman's eyes
(Said I to myself--said I),
Or hoodwink a judge who is not over-wise
(Said I to myself--said I),
Or assume that the witnesses summoned in force
In Exchequer, Queen's Bench, Common Pleas, or Divorce,
Have perjured themselves as a matter of course
(Said I to myself--said I!).
In other professions in which men engage
(Said I to myself said I),
The Army, the Navy, the Church, and the Stage
(Said I to myself--said I),
Professional licence, if carried too far,
Your chance of promotion will certainly mar--
And I fancy the rule might apply to the Bar
(Said I to myself--said I!).
(Exit Lord
Chancellor.)
(Enter Iolanthe)
Oh, Phyllis, Phyllis! To be taken from you just as
I was on the point of making you my own! Oh, it's too much--it's
too much!
(to Strephon, who is in tears). My son in tears--and on
his wedding day!
My wedding day! Oh, mother, weep with me, for the
Law has interposed between us, and the Lord Chancellor has
separated us for ever!
The Lord Chancellor! (Aside.) Oh, if he did but know!
(overhearing her). If he did but know what?
No matter! The Lord Chancellor has no power over you.
Remember you are half a fairy. You can defy him--down to the
waist.
Yes, but from the waist downwards he can commit me to
prison for years! Of what avail is it that my body is free, if my
legs are working out seven years' penal servitude?
True. But take heart--our Queen has promised you her
special protection. I'll go to her and lay your peculiar case
before her.
My beloved mother! how can I repay the debt I owe
you?
(As it commences, the Peers appear at the back, advancing unseen
and on tiptoe. Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller lead Phyllis
between them, who listens in horror to what she hears.)
(to Iolanthe). When darkly looms the day,
And all is dull and grey,
To chase the gloom away,
On thee I'll call!
(speaking aside to Lord Mountararat). What was that?
(aside to Phyllis).
I think I heard him say,
That on a rainy day,
To while the time away,
On her he'd call!
We think we heard him say, etc.
(Phyllis much agitated at her lover's supposed faithlessness.)
(to Strephon). When tempests wreck thy bark,
And all is drear and dark,
If thou shouldst need an Ark,
I'll give thee one!
(speaking aside to Lord Tolloller). What was that?
(aside to Phyllis).
I heard the minx remark,
She'd meet him after dark,
Inside St James's Park,
And give him one!
We heard the minx remark, etc.
The prospect's very bad.
My heart so sore and sad
Will never more be glad
As summer's sun.
, LORD TOLL., STREPH.
The prospect's not so bad,
My/Thy heart so sore and sad
May very soon be glad
As summer's sun;
, LORD TOLL., STEPH., LORD MOUNT.
For when the sky is dark
And tempests wreck his/thy/my bark,
he should
If thou shouldst need an Ark,
I should
She'll him
I'll give thee one!
me
(revealing herself). Ah!
(Iolanthe and Strephon much confused.)
Oh, shameless one, tremble!
Nay, do not endeavour
Thy fault to dissemble,
We part--and for ever!
I worshipped him blindly,
He worships another--
Attend to me kindly,
This lady's my mother!
This lady's his what?
This lady's my mother!
This lady's his what?
He says she's his mother!
(They point derisively to Iolanthe, laughing heartily at her. She
goes for protection to Strephon.)
(Enter Lord Chancellor. Iolanthe veils herself.)
What means this mirth unseemly,
That shakes the listening earth?
The joke is good extremely,
And justifies our mirth.
This gentleman is seen,
With a maid of seventeen,
A-taking of his dolce far niente;
And wonders he'd achieve,
For he asks us to believe
She's his mother--and he's nearly five-and-twenty!
(sternly). Recollect yourself, I pray,
And be careful what you say--
As the ancient Romans said, festina lente.
For I really do not see
How so young a girl could be
The mother of a man of five-and-twenty.
Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!
My Lord, of evidence I have no dearth--
She is--has been--my mother from my birth!
In babyhood
Upon her lap I lay,
With infant food
She moistened my clay;
Had she withheld
The succour she supplied,
By hunger quelled,
Your Strephon might have died!
(much moved).
Had that refreshment been denied,
Indeed our Strephon might have died!
(much affected).
Had that refreshment been denied,
Indeed our Strephon might have died!
But as she's not
His mother, it appears,
Why weep these hot
Unnecessary tears?
And by what laws
Should we so joyously
Rejoice, because
Our Strephon did not die?
Oh rather let us pipe our eye
Because our Strephon did not die!
That's very true--let's pipe our eye
Because our Strephon did not die!
(All weep. Iolanthe, who has succeeded in hiding her face from
Lord Chancellor, escapes unnoticed.)
Go, traitorous one--for ever we must part:
To one of you, my Lords, I give my heart!
Oh, rapture!
Hear me, Phyllis, ere you leave me.
Not a word--you did deceive me.
Not a word--you did deceive her.
(Exit
Strephon.)
For riches and rank I do not long--
Their pleasures are false and vain;
I gave up the love of a lordly throng
For the love of a simple swain.
But now that simple swain's untrue,
With sorrowful heart I turn to you--
A heart that's aching,
Quaking, breaking,
As sorrowful hearts are wont to do!
The riches and rank that you befall
Are the only baits you use,
So the richest and rankiest of you all
My sorrowful heart shall choose.
As none are so noble--none so rich
As this couple of lords, I'll find a niche
In my heart that's aching,
Quaking, breaking,
For one of you two-and I don't care which!
(to Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller).
To you I give my heart so rich!
(puzzled). To which?
I do not care!
To you I yield--it is my doom!
To whom?
I'm not aware!
I'm yours for life if you but choose.
She's whose?
That's your affair!
I'll be a countess, shall I not?
Of what?
I do not care!
Lucky little lady!
Strephon's lot is shady;
Rank, it seems, is vital,
"Countess" is the title,
But of what I'm not aware!
(Enter Strephon.)
Can I inactive see my fortune fade?
No, no!
Ho, ho!
Mighty protectress, hasten to my aid!
(Enter Fairies, tripping, headed by Celia, Leila, and Fleta, and
followed by Queen.)
Tripping hither, tripping thither.
OF Nobody knows why or whither;
Why you want us we don't know,
But you've summoned us, and so
Enter all the little fairies
To their usual tripping measure!
To oblige you all our care is--
Tell us, pray, what is your pleasure!
The lady of my love has caught me talking to another--
Oh, fie! young Strephon is a rogue!
I tell her very plainly that the lady is my mother--
Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay!
She won't believe my statement, and declares we must be
parted,
Because on a career of double-dealing I have started,
Then gives her hand to one of these, and leaves me
broken-hearted--
Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay!
Ah, cruel ones, to separate two lovers from each other!
Oh, fie! our Strephon's not a rogue!
You've done him an injustice, for the lady is his mother!
Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay!
That fable perhaps may serve his turn as well as any
other.
(Aside.) I didn't see her face, but if they fondled one
another,
And she's but seventeen--I don't believe it was his
mother!
Taradiddle, taradiddle.
Tol lol lay!
I have often had a use
For a thorough-bred excuse
Of a sudden (which is English for "repente"),
But of all I ever heard
This is much the most absurd,
For she's seventeen, and he is five-and-twenty!
Though she is seventeen, and he is four or
five-and-twenty!
Oh, fie! our Strephon is a rogue!
Now, listen, pray to me,
For this paradox will be
Carried, nobody at all contradicente.
Her age, upon the date
Of his birth, was minus eight,
If she's seventeen, and he is five-and-twenty!
If she is seventeen, and he is only
five-and-twenty.
To say she is his mother is an utter bit of folly!
Oh, fie! our Strephon is a rogue!
Perhaps his brain is addled, and it's very melancholy!
Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay!
I wouldn't say a word that could be reckoned as
injurious,
But to find a mother younger than her son is very
curious,
And that's a kind of mother that is usually spurious.
Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay!
Go away, madam;
I should say, madam,
You display, madam,
Shocking taste.
It is rude, madam,
To intrude, madam,
With your brood, madam,
Brazen-faced!
You come here, madam,
Interfere, madam,
With a peer, madam.
(I am one.)
You're aware, madam,
What you dare, madam,
So take care, madam,
And begone!
(to QUEEN). PEERS
Let us stay, madam; Go away, madam;
I should say, madam, I should say, madam,
They display, madam, You display, madam,
Shocking taste. Shocking taste.
It is rude, madam, It is rude, madam,
To allude, madam, To intrude, madam,
To your brood, madam, With your brood, madam,
Brazen-faced! Brazen-faced!
We don't fear, madam, You come here, madam,
Any peer, madam, Interfere, madam,
Though, my dear madam, With a peer, madam,
This is one. (I am one.)
They will stare, madam, You're aware, madam,
When aware, madam, What you dare, madam,
What they dare, madam-- So take care, madam,
What they've done! And begone!
Bearded by these puny mortals!
(furious). I will launch from fairy portals
All the most terrific thunders
In my armoury of wonders!
(aside). Should they launch terrific wonders,
All would then repent their blunders.
Surely these must be immortals.
(Exit
Phyllis.)
Oh! Chancellor unwary
It's highly necessary
Your tongue to teach
Respectful speech--
Your attitude to vary!
Your badinage so airy,
Your manner arbitrary,
Are out of place
When face to face
With an influential Fairy.
THE PEERS We never knew
(aside). We were talking to
An influential Fairy!
A plague on this vagary,
I'm in a nice quandary!
Of hasty tone
With dames unknown
I ought to be more chary;
It seems that she's a fairy
From Andersen's library,
And I took her for
The proprietor
Of a Ladies' Seminary!
We took her for
The proprietor
Of a Ladies' Seminary!
When next your Houses do assemble,
You may tremble!
Our wrath, when gentlemen offend us,
Is tremendous!
They meet, who underrate our calling,
Doom appalling!
Take down our sentence as we speak it,
And he shall wreak it!
(Indicating
Strephon.)
Oh, spare us!
Henceforth, Strephon, cast away
Crooks and pipes and ribbons so gay--
Flocks and herds that bleat and low;
Into Parliament you shall go!
Into Parliament he shall go!
Backed by our supreme authority,
He'll command a large majority!
Into Parliament he shall go!
In the Parliamentary hive,
Liberal or Conservative--
Whig or Tory--I don't know--
But into Parliament you shall go!
Into Parliament, etc.
(speaking through music)
Every bill and every measure
That may gratify his pleasure,
Though your fury it arouses,
Shall be passed by both your Houses!
Oh!
You shall sit, if he sees reason,
Through the grouse and salmon season;
No!
He shall end the cherished rights
You enjoy on Friday nights:
No!
He shall prick that annual blister,
Marriage with deceased wife's sister:
Mercy!
Titles shall ennoble, then,
All the Common Councilmen:
Spare us!
Peers shall teem in Christendom,
And a Duke's exalted station
Be attainable by Com-
Petitive Examination!
Oh, horror! Their horror
They can't dissemble
Nor hide the fear that makes them
tremble!
Young Strephon is the kind of lout With Strephon for your foe, no
doubt,
We do not care a fig about! A fearful prospect opens out,
We cannot say And who shall say
What evils may What evils may
Result in consequence. Result in consequence?
But lordly vengeance will pursue A hideous vengeance will pursue
All kinds of common people who All noblemen who venture to
Oppose our views, Opppose his views,
Or boldly choose Or boldly choose
To offer us offence. To offer him offence.
He'd better fly at humbler game, 'Twill plunge them into grief
and shame;
Or our forbearance he must claim, His kind forbearance they must
claim,
If he'd escape If they'd escape
In any shape In any shape
A very painful wrench! A very painful wrench.
Your powers we dauntlessly pooh-pooh: Although our threats you
now pooh-pooh,
A dire revenge will fall on you. A dire revenge will fall on you,
If you besiege Should he besiege
Our high prestige-- Your high prestige--
(The word "prestige" is French). The word "prestige" is French).
Our lordly style
You shall not quench
With base canaille!
(That word is French.)
Distinction ebbs
Before a herd
Of vulgar plebs!
(A Latin word.)
'Twould fill with joy,
And madness stark
The hoi polloi!
(A Greek remark.)
One Latin word, one Greek remark,
And one that's French.
Your lordly style
We'll quickly quench
With base canaille!
(That word is French.)
Distinction ebbs
Before a herd
Of vulgar plebs!
(A Latin word.)
'Twill fill with joy
And madness stark
The hoi polloi!
(A Greek remark.)
One Latin word, one Greek remark,
And one that's French.
You needn't wait: We will not wait:
Away you fly! We go sky-high!
Your threatened hate Our threatened hate
We won't defy! You won't defy!
(Fairies threaten Peers with their wands. Peers kneel as begging
for merry. Phyllis implores Strephon to relent. He casts her from
him, and she falls fainting into the arms of Lord Mountararat and
Lord Tolloller.)
Scene.--Palace Yard, Westminster. Westminster Hall, L. Clock
tower up, R.C. Private Willis discovered on sentry, R. Moonlight.
When all night long a chap remains
On sentry-go, to chase monotony
He exercises of his brains,
That is, assuming that he's got any.
Though never nurtured in the lap
Of luxury, yet I admonish you,
I am an intellectual chap,
And think of things that would astonish you.
I often think it's comical--Fal, lal, la!
How Nature always does contrive--Fal, lal, la!
That every boy and every gal
That's born into the world alive
Is either a little Liberal
Or else a little Conservative!
Fal, lal, la!
When in that House M.P.'s divide,
If they've a brain and cerebellum, too,
They've got to leave that brain outside,
And vote just as their leaders tell 'em to.
But then the prospect of a lot
Of dull M. P.'s in close proximity,
All thinking for themselves, is what
No man can face with equanimity.
Then let's rejoice with loud Fal la--Fal la la!
That Nature always does contrive--Fal lal la!
That every boy and every gal
That's born into the world alive
Is either a little Liberal
Or else a little Conservative!
Fal lal la!
(Enter Fairies, with Celia, Leila, and Fleta. They trip round
stage.)
Strephon's a Member of Parliament!
Carries every Bill he chooses.
To his measures all assent--
Showing that fairies have their uses.
Whigs and Tories
Dim their glories,
Giving an ear to all his stories--
Lords and Commons are both in the blues!
Strephon makes them shake in their shoes!
Shake in their shoes!
Shake in their shoes!
Strephon makes them shake in their shoes!
(Enter Peers from Westminster Hall.)
Strephon's a Member of Parliament!
Running a-muck of all abuses.
His unqualified assent
Somehow nobody now refuses.
Whigs and Tories
Dim their glories,
Giving an ear to all his stories
Carrying every Bill he may wish:
Here's a pretty kettle of fish!
Kettle of fish!
Kettle of fish!
Here's a pretty kettle of fish!
(Enter Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller from Westminster Hall.)
You seem annoyed.
Annoyed! I should think so! Why, this
ridiculous protege of yours is playing the deuce with everything!
To-night is the second reading of his Bill to throw the Peerage
open to Competitive Examination!
And he'll carry it, too!
Carry it? Of course he will! He's a
Parliamentary Pickford--he carries everything!
Yes. If you please, that's our fault!
The deuce it is!
Yes; we influence the members, and compel them to vote
just as he wishes them to.
It's our system. It shortens the debates.
Well, but think what it all means. I don't so
much mind for myself, but with a House of Peers with no
grandfathers worth mentioning, the country must go to the dogs!
I suppose it must!
I don't want to say a word against brains--I've
a great respect for brains--I often wish I had some myself--but
with a House of Peers composed exclusively of people of intellect,
what's to become of the House of Commons?
I never thought of that!
This comes of women interfering in politics. It
so happens that if there is an institution in Great Britain which
is not susceptible of any improvement at all, it is the House of
Peers!
When Britain really ruled the waves--
(In good Queen Bess's time)
The House of Peers made no pretence
To intellectual eminence,
Or scholarship sublime;
Yet Britain won her proudest bays
In good Queen Bess's glorious days!
Yes, Britain won, etc.
When Wellington thrashed Bonaparte,
As every child can tell,
The House of Peers, throughout the war,
Did nothing in particular,
And did it very well:
Yet Britain set the world ablaze
In good King George's glorious days!
Yes, Britain set, etc.
And while the House of Peers withholds
Its legislative hand,
And noble statesmen do not itch
To interfere with matters which
They do not understand,
As bright will shine Great Britain's rays
As in King George's glorious days!
As bright will shine, etc.
(who has been much attracted by the Peers during this
song). Charming persons, are they not?
Distinctly. For self-contained dignity, combined with
airy condescension, give me a British Representative Peer!
Then pray stop this protege of yours before it's
too late. Think of the mischief you're doing!
(crying) But we can't stop him now. (Aside to Celia.)
Aren't they lovely! (Aloud.) Oh, why did you go and defy us, you
great geese!
In vain to us you plead--
Don't go!
Your prayers we do not heed--
Don't go!
It's true we sigh,
But don't suppose
A tearful eye
Forgiveness shows.
Oh, no!
We're very cross indeed--
Yes, very cross,
Don't go!
It's true we sigh, etc.
Your disrespectful sneers--
Don't go!
Call forth indignant tears--
Don't go!
You break our laws--
You are our foe:
We cry because
We hate you so!
You know!
You very wicked Peers!
You wicked Peers!
Don't go!
You break our laws-- Our disrespectful sneers,
You are our foe: Ha, ha!
We cry because Call forth indignant tears,
We hate you so! Ha, ha!
You know! If that's the case, my dears--
You very wicked Peers! FAIRIES. Don't go!
Don't go! PEERS. We'll go!
(Exeunt Lord Mountararat, Lord Tolloller, and Peers. Fairies gaze
wistfully after them.)
(Enter Fairy Queen.)
Oh, shame--shame upon you! Is this your fidelity to
the laws you are bound to obey? Know ye not that it is death to
marry a mortal?
Yes, but it's not death to wish to marry a mortal!
If it were, you'd have to execute us all!
Oh, this is weakness! Subdue it!
We know it's weakness, but the weakness is so strong!
We are not all as tough as you are!
Tough! Do you suppose that I am insensible to the
effect of manly beauty? Look at that man! (Referring to Sentry.)
A perfect picture! (To Sentry.) Who are you, sir?
Private Willis, B Company,
1st Grenadier Guards.
You're a very fine fellow, sir.
I am generally admired.
I can quite understand it. (To Fairies.) Now here is
a man whose physical attributes are simply godlike. That man has
a most extraordinary effect upon me. If I yielded to a natural
impulse, I should fall down and worship that man. But I mortify
this inclination; I wrestle with it, and it lies beneath my feet!
That is how I treat my regard for that man!
Oh, foolish fay,
Think you, because
His brave array
My bosom thaws,
I'd disobey
Our fairy laws?
Because I fly
In realms above,
In tendency
To fall in love,
Resemble I
The amorous dove?
(Aside.) Oh, amorous dove!
Type of Ovidius Naso!
This heart of mine
Is soft as thine,
Although I dare not say so!
Oh, amorous dove, etc.
On fire that glows
With heat intense
I turn the hose
Of common sense,
And out it goes
At small expense!
We must maintain
Our fairy law;
That is the main
On which to draw--
In that we gain
A Captain Shaw!
(Aside.) Oh, Captain Shaw!
Type of true love kept under!
Could thy Brigade
With cold cascade
Quench my great love, I wonder!
Oh, Captain Shaw! etc.
(Exeunt Fairies and Fairy Queen, sorrowfully.)
(Enter Phyllis.)
(half crying). I can't think why I'm not in better
spirits. I'm engaged to two noblemen at once. That ought to be
enough to make any girl happy. But I'm miserable! Don't suppose
it's because I care for Strephon, for I hate him! No girl could
care for a man who goes about with a mother considerably younger
than himself!
(Enter Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller.)
Phyllis! My darling!
Phyllis! My own!
Don't! How dare you? Oh, but perhaps you're the two
noblemen I'm engaged to?
I am one of them.
I am the other.
Oh, then, my darling! (to Lord Mountararat). My own!
(to Lord Tolloller). Well, have you settled which it's to be?
Not altogether. It's a difficult position. It
would be hardly delicate to toss up. On the whole we would rather
leave it to you.
How can it possibly concern me? You are both EarIs,
and you are both rich, and you are both plain.
So we are. At least I am.
So am I.
No, no!
I am indeed. Very plain.
Well, well--perhaps you are.
There's really nothing to choose between you. If one
of you would forgo his title, and distribute his estates among his
Irish tenantry, why, then, I should then see a reason for accepting
the other.
Tolloller, are you prepared to make this
sacrifice?
No!
Not even to oblige a lady?
No! not even to oblige a lady.
Then, the only question is, which of us shall
give way to the other? Perhaps, on the whole, she would be happier
with me. I don't know. I may be wrong.
No. I don't know that you are. I really believe
she would. But the awkward part of the thing is that if you rob me
of the girl of my heart, we must fight, and one of us must die.
It's a family tradition that I have sworn to respect. It's a
painful position, for I have a very strong regard for you, George.
(much affected). My dear Thomas!
You are very dear to me, George. We were boys
together--at least I was. If I were to survive you, my existence
would be hopelessly embittered.
Then, my dear Thomas, you must not do it. I say
it again and again--if it will have this effect upon you, you must
not do it. No, no. If one of us is to destroy the other, let it
be me!
No, no!
Ah, yes!--by our boyish friendship I implore you!
(much moved). Well, well, be it so. But,
no--no!--I cannot consent to an act which would crush you with
unavaillng remorse.
But it would not do so. I should be very sad at
first--oh, who would not be?--but it would wear off. I like you
very much--but not, perhaps, as much as you like me.
George, you're a noble fellow, but that tell-tale
tear betrays you. No, George; you are very fond of me, and I
cannot consent to give you a week's uneasiness on my account.
But, dear Thomas, it would not last a week!
Remember, you lead the House of Lords! On your demise I shall take
your place! Oh, Thomas, it would not last a day!
(coming down). Now, I do hope you're not going to fight
about me, because it's really not worth while.
(looking at her). Well, I don't believe it is!
Nor I. The sacred ties of Friendship are
paramount.
Though p'r'aps I may incur your blame,
The things are few
I would not do
In Friendship's name!
And I may say I think the same;
Not even love
Should rank above
True Friendship's name!
Then free me, pray; be mine the blame;
Forget your craze
And go your ways
In Friendship's name!
Oh, many a man, in Friendship's name,
Has yielded fortune, rank, and fame!
But no one yet, in the world so wide,
Has yielded up a promised bride!
Accept, O Friendship, all the same,
This sacrifice to thy dear name!
(Exeunt Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller, lovingly, in one
direction, and Phyllis in another. Exit Sentry.)
(Enter Lord Chancellor, very miserable.)
Love, unrequited, robs me of my rest:
Love, hopeless love, my ardent soul encumbers:
Love, nightmare-like, lies heavy on my chest,
And weaves itself into my midnight slumbers!
When you're lying awake with a dismal headache, and repose is
taboo'd by anxiety,
I conceive you may use any language you choose to indulge in,
without impropriety;
For your brain is on fire--the bedclothes conspire of usual
slumber to plunder you:
First your counterpane goes, and uncovers your toes, and your
sheet slips demurely from under you;
Then the blanketing tickles--you feel like mixed pickles--so
terribly sharp is the pricking,
And you're hot, and you're cross, and you tumble and toss till
there's nothing 'twixt you and the ticking.
Then the bedclothes all creep to the ground in a heap, and you
pick 'em all up in a tangle;
Next your pillow resigns and politely declines to remain at its
usual angle!
Well, you get some repose in the form of a doze, with hot
eye-balls and head ever aching.
But your slumbering teems with such horrible dreams that you'd
very much better be waking;
For you dream you are crossing the Channel, and tossing about in
a steamer from Harwich--
Which is something between a large bathing machine and a very
small second-class carriage--
And you're giving a treat (penny ice and cold meat) to a party of
friends and relations--
They're a ravenous horde--and they all came on board at Sloane
Square and South Kensington Stations.
And bound on that journey you find your attorney (who started that
morning from Devon);
He's a bit undersized, and you don't feel surprised when he tells
you he's only eleven.
Well, you're driving like mad with this singular lad (by the by,
the ship's now a four-wheeler),
And you're playing round games, and he calls you bad names when
you tell him that "ties pay the dealer";
But this you can't stand, so you throw up your hand, and you find
you're as cold as an icicle,
In your shirt and your socks (the black silk with gold clocks),
crossing Salisbury Plain on a bicycle:
And he and the crew are on bicycles too--which they've somehow or
other invested in--
And he's telling the tars all the particulars of a company he's
interested in--
It's a scheme of devices, to get at low prices all goods from
cough mixtures to cables
(Which tickled the sailors), by treating retailers as though they
were all vegetables--
You get a good spadesman to plant a small tradesman (first take
off his boots with a boot-tree),
And his legs will take root, and his fingers will shoot, and
they'll blossom and bud like a fruit-tree--
From the greengrocer tree you get grapes and green pea,
cauliflower, pineapple, and cranberries,
While the pastrycook plant cherry brandy will grant, apple puffs,
and three corners, and Banburys--
The shares are a penny, and ever so many are taken by Rothschild
and Baring,
And just as a few are allotted to you, you awake with a shudder
despairing--
You're a regular wreck, with a crick in your neck, and no wonder
you snore, for your head's on the floor, and you've needles and
pins from your soles to your shins, and your flesh is a-creep, for
your left leg's asleep, and you've cramp in your toes, and a fly on
your nose, and some fluff in your lung, and a feverish tongue, and
a thirst that's intense, and a general sense that you haven't been
sleeping in clover;
But the darkness has passed, and it's daylight at last, and the
night has been long--ditto ditto my song--and thank goodness
they're both of them over!
(Lord Chancellor falls exhausted on
a seat.)
(Enter Lords Mountararat and Tolloller.)
I am much distressed to see your Lordship in this
condition.
Ah, my Lords, it is seldom that a Lord Chancellor
has reason to envy the position of another, but I am free to
confess that I would rather be two Earls engaged to Phyllis than
any other half-dozen noblemen upon the face of the globe.
(without enthusiasm). Yes. It's an enviable
position when you're the only one.
Oh yes, no doubt--most enviable. At the same
time, seeing you thus, we naturally say to ourselves, "This is very
sad. His Lordship is constitutionally as blithe as a bird--he
trills upon the bench like a thing of song and gladness. His
series of judgements in F sharp minor, given andante in six-eight
time, are among the most remarkable effects ever produced in a
Court of Chancery. He is, perhaps, the only living instance of a
judge whose decrees have received the honour of a double encore.
How can we bring ourselves to do that which will deprive the Court
of Chancery of one of its most attractive features?"
I feel the force of your remarks, but I am here in
two capacities, and they clash, my Lords, they clash! I deeply
grieve to say that in declining to entertain my last application to
myself, I presumed to address myself in terms which render it
impossible for me ever to apply to myself again. It was a most
painful scene, my Lords--most painful!
This is what it is to have two capacities! Let us
be thankful that we are persons of no capacity whatever.
Come, come. Remember you are a very just and
kindly old gentleman, and you need have no hesitation in
approaching yourself, so that you do so respectfully and with a
proper show of deference.
Do you really think so?
I do.
Well, I will nerve myself to another effort, and,
if that fails, I resign myself to my fate!
If you go in
You're sure to win--
Yours will be the charming maidie:
Be your law
The ancient saw,
"Faint heart never won fair lady!"
Never, never, never,
Faint heart never won fair lady!
Every journey has an end--
When at the worst affairs will mend--
Dark the dawn when day is nigh--
Hustle your horse and don't say die!
He who shies
At such a prize
Is not worth a maravedi,
Be so kind
To bear in mind--
Faint heart never won fair lady!
Never, never, never,
Faint heart never won fair lady!
While the sun shines make your hay--
Where a will is, there's a way--
Beard the lion in his lair--
None but the brave deserve the fair!
I'll take heart
And make a start--
Though I fear the prospect's shady--
Much I'd spend
To gain my end--
Faint heart never won fair lady!
Never, never, never,
Faint heart never won fair lady!
Nothing venture, nothing win--
Blood is thick, but water's thin--
In for a penny, in for a pound--
It's Love that makes the world go round!
(Dance, and exeunt arm-in-arm
together.)
(Enter Strephon, in very low spirits.)
[The following song was deleted from production]
Fold your flapping wings,
Soaring legislature.
Stoop to little things,
Stoop to human nature.
Never need to roam
members patriotic.
Let's begin at home,
Crime is no exotic.
Bitter is your bane
Terrible your trials
Dingy Drury Lane
Soapless Seven Dials.
Take a tipsy lout
Gathered from the gutter,
Hustle him about,
Strap him to a shutter.
What am I but he,
Washed at hours stated.
Fed on filagree,
Clothed and educated
He's a mark of scorn
I might be another
If I had been born
Of a tipsy mother.
Take a wretched thief,
Through the city sneaking.
Pocket handkerchief
Ever, ever seeking.
What is he but I
Robbed of all my chances
Picking pockets by
force of circumstances
I might be as bad,
As unlucky, rather,
If I'd only had,
Fagin for a father.
I suppose one ought to enjoy oneself in Parliament,
when one leads both Parties, as I do! But I'm miserable, poor,
broken-hearted fool that I am! Oh Phyllis, Phyllis!--
(Enter Phyllis.)
Yes.
(surprised). Phyllis! But I suppose I should say "My
Lady." I have not yet been informed which title your ladyship has
pleased to select?
I--I haven't quite decided. You see, I have no mother
to advise me!
No. I have.
Yes; a young mother.
Not very--a couple of centuries or so.
Oh! She wears well.
She does. She's a fairy.
I beg your pardon--a what?
Oh, I've no longer any reason to conceal the
fact--she's a fairy.
A fairy! Well, but--that would account for a good many
things! Then--I suppose you're a fairy?
I'm half a fairy.
Which half?
The upper half--down to the waistcoat.
Dear me! (Prodding him with her fingers.) There is
nothing to show it!
Don't do that.
But why didn't you tell me this before?
I thought you would take a dislike to me. But as
it's all off, you may as well know the truth--I'm only half a
mortal!
(crying). But I'd rather have half a mortal I do love,
than half a dozen I don't!
Oh, I think not--go to your half-dozen.
(crying). It's only two! and I hate 'em! Please
forgive me!
I don't think I ought to. Besides, all sorts of
difficulties will arise. You know, my grandmother looks quite as
young as my mother. So do all my aunts.
I quite understand. Whenever I see you kissing a very
young lady, I shall know it's an elderly relative.
You will? Then, Phyllis, I think we shall be very
happy! (Embracing her.)
We won't wait long.
No. We might change our minds. We'll get married
first.
And change our minds afterwards?
That's the usual course.
If we're weak enough to tarry
Ere we marry,
You and I,
Of the feeling I inspire
You may tire
By and by.
For peers with flowing coffers
Press their offers--
That is why
I am sure we should not tarry
Ere we marry,
You and I!
If we're weak enough to tarry
Ere we marry,
You and I,
With a more attractive maiden,
Jewel-laden,
You may fly.
If by chance we should be parted,
Broken-hearted
I should die--
So I think we will not tarry
Ere we marry,
You and I.
But does your mother know you're--I mean, is she aware
of our engagement?
(Enter Iolanthe.)
She is; and thus she welcomes her daughter-in-law!
(Kisses her.)
She kisses just like other people! But the Lord
Chancellor?
I forgot him! Mother, none can resist your fairy
eloquence; you will go to him and plead for us?
(much agitated). No, no; impossible!
But our happiness--our very lives--depend upon our
obtaining his consent!
Oh, madam, you cannot refuse to do this!
You know not what you ask! The Lord Chancellor is--my
husband!
Your husband!
My husband and your father! (Addressing Strephon, who
is much moved.)
Then our course is plain; on his learning that
Strephon is his son, all objection to our marriage will be at once
removed!
No; he must never know! He believes me to have died
childless, and, dearly as I love him, I am bound, under penalty of
death, not to undeceive him. But see--he comes! Quick--my veil!
(Iolanthe veils herself. Strephon and Phyllis go off on tiptoe.)
(Enter Lord Chancellor.)
Victory! Victory! Success has crowned my efforts,
and I may consider myself engaged to Phyllis! At first I wouldn't
hear of it--it was out of the question. But I took heart. I
pointed out to myself that I was no stranger to myself; that, in
point of fact, I had been personally acquainted with myself for
some years. This had its effect. I admitted that I had watched my
professional advancement with considerable interest, and I
handsomely added that I yielded to no one in admiration for my
private and professional virtues. This was a great point gained.
I then endeavoured to work upon my feelings. Conceive my joy when
I distinctly perceived a tear glistening in my own eye!
Eventually, after a severe struggle with myself, I
reluctantly--most reluctantly--consented.
(Iolanthe comes down
veiled.)
My lord, a suppliant at your feet I kneel,
Oh, listen to a mother's fond appeal!
Hear me to-night! I come in urgent need--
'Tis for my son, young Strephon, that I plead!
He loves! If in the bygone years
Thine eyes have ever shed
Tears--bitter, unavailing tears,
For one untimely dead--
If, in the eventide of life,
Sad thoughts of her arise,
Then let the memory of thy wife
Plead for my boy--he dies!
He dies! If fondly laid aside
In some old cabinet,
Memorials of thy long-dead bride
Lie, dearly treasured yet,
Then let her hallowed bridal dress--
Her little dainty gloves--
Her withered flowers--her faded tress--
Plead for my boy--he loves!
(The Lord Chancellor is moved by this appeal. After a pause.)
It may not be--for so the fates decide!
Learn thou that Phyllis is my promised bride.
(in horror). Thy bride! No! no!
It shall be so!
Those who would separate us woe betide!
My doom thy lips have spoken--
I plead in vain!
OF FAIRIES (without). Forbear! forbear!
A vow already broken
I break again!
OF FAIRIES (without). Forbear! forbear!
For him--for her--for thee
I yield my life.
Behold--it may not be!
I am thy wife.
OF FAIRIES (without). Aiaiah! Aiaiah! Willaloo!
(recognizing her). Iolanthe! thou livest?
Aye!
I live! Now let me die!
(Enter Fairy Queen and Fairies. Iolanthe kneels to her.)
Thou thyself thy doom hast spoken!
Aiaiah! Aiaiah!
Willahalah! Willaloo!
Willahalah! Willaloo!
Death thy doom, and thou shalt die!
Aiaiah! Aiaiah! etc.
(Peers and Sentry enter. The Queen raises her spear.)
Hold! If Iolanthe must die, so must we all; for, as
she has sinned, so have we!
What?
We are all fairy duchesses, marchionesses, countesses,
viscountesses, and baronesses.
It's our fault. They couldn't help themselves.
It seems they have helped themselves, and pretty
freely, too! (After a pause.) You have all incurred death; but I
can't slaughter the whole company! And yet (unfolding a scroll)
the law is clear--every fairy must die who marries a mortal!
Allow me, as an old Equity draftsman, to make a
suggestion. The subtleties of the legal mind are equal to the
emergency. The thing is really quite simple--the insertion of a
single word will do it. Let it stand that every fairy shall die
who doesn't marry a mortal, and there you are, out of your
difficulty at once!
We like your humour. Very well! (Altering the MS. in
pencil.) Private Willis!
(coming forward) Ma'am!
To save my life, it is necessary that I marry at once.
How should you like to be a fairy guardsman?
Well, ma'am, I don't think much of the British
soldier who wouldn't ill-convenience himself to save a female in
distress.
You are a brave fellow. You're a fairy from this
moment. (Wings spring from Sentry's shoulders.) And you, my
Lords, how say you, will you join our ranks?
(Fairies kneel to Peers and implore them to
do so.)
(Phyllis and Strephon enter.)
(to Lord Tolloller). Well, now that the Peers are
to be recruited entirely from persons of intelligence, I really
don't see what use we are, down here, do you, Tolloller?
None whatever.
Good! (Wings spring from shoulders of Peers.) Then
away we go to Fairyland.
Soon as we may,
Off and away!
We'll commence our journey airy--
Happy are we--
As you can see,
Every one is now a fairy!
Every, every, every,
Every one is now a fairy!
, QUEEN, Though as a general rule we know
and PHYL. Two strings go to every bow,
Make up your minds that grief 'twill bring
If you've two beaux to every string.
Though as a general rule, etc.
Up in the sky,
Ever so high,
Pleasures come in endless series;
We will arrange
Happy exchange--
House of Peers for House of Peris!
Peris, Peris, Peris,
House of Peers for House of Peris!
, Up in the air, sky-high, sky-high,
, Free from Wards in Chancery,
and TOLL. I/He will be surely happier, for
I'm/He's such a susceptible Chancellor.
Up in the air, etc.
or, Castle Adamant
libretto by William S. Gilbert
music by Arthur S. Sullivan
King Hildebrand
Hilarion (His son)
Hilarion's friends:
Cyril
Florian
King Gama
His sons:
Arac
Guron
Scynthius
Princess Ida (Gama's daughter)
Lady Blanche (Professor of Abstract Science)
Lady Psyche (Professor of Humanities)
Melissa (Lady Blanche's Daughter)
Girl Graduates:
Sacharissa
Chloe
Ada
Soldiers, Courtiers, "Girl Graduates," "Daughters of the Plough,"
etc.
Pavilion in King Hildebrand's Palace
Gardens of Castle Adamant
Courtyard of Castle Adamant
ACT I.
Pavilion attached to King Hildebrand's Palace.
Soldiers and courtiers discovered looking out through
opera-glasses, telescopes, etc., Florian leading.
CHORUS AND SOLO (Florian)
"Search throughout the panorama"
Search throughout the panorama
For a sign of royal Gama,
Who to-day should cross the water
With his fascinating daughter--
Ida is her name.
Some misfortune evidently
Has detained them -- consequently
Search throughout the panorama
For the daughter of King Gama,
Prince Hilarion's flame!
Prince Hilarion's flame!
Will Prince Hilarion's hopes be sadly blighted?
Who can tell? Who can tell?
Will Ida break the vows that she has plighted?
Who can tell? Who can tell?
Will she back out, and say she did not mean them?
Who can tell?
If so, there'll be the deuce to pay between them!
No, no -- we'll not despair, we'll not despair,
For Gama would not dare
To make a deadly foe
Of Hildebrand, and so,
Search through the panorama
For a sign of royal Gama,
Who today should cross the water
With his fascinating daughter--
Ida, Ida is her name.
(Enter King Hildebrand
with Cyril)
See you no sign of Gama?
None, my liege!
It's very odd indeed. If Gama fail
To put in an appearance at our Court
Before the sun has set in yonder west,
And fail to bring the Princess Ida here
To whom our son Hilarion was betrothed
At the extremely early age of one,
There's war between King Gama and ourselves!
(aside to Cyril)
Oh, Cyril, how I dread this interview!
It's twenty years since he and I have met.
He was a twisted monster -- all awry----
As though Dame Nature, angry with her work,
Had crumpled it in fitful petulance!
But, sir, a twisted and ungainly trunk
Often bears goodly fruit. Perhaps he was
A kind, well-spoken gentleman?
Oh, no!
For, adder-like, his sting lay in his tongue.
(His "sting" is present, though his "stung" is past.)
(looking through glass)
But stay, my liege; o'er yonder mountain's brow
Comes a small body, bearing Gama's arms;
And now I look more closely at it, sir,
I see attached to it King Gama's legs;
From which I gather this corollary
That that small body must be Gama's own!
Ha! Is the Princess with him?
Well, my liege,
Unless her highness is full six feet high,
And wears mustachios too -- and smokes cigars----
And rides en cavalier in coat of steel----
I do not think she is.
One never knows.
She's a strange girl, I've heard, and does odd
things!
Come, bustle there!
For Gama place the richest robes we own----
For Gama place the coarsest prison dress----
For Gama let our best spare bed be aired----
For Gama let our deepest dungeon yawn----
For Gama lay the costliest banquet out----
For Gama place cold water and dry bread!
For as King Gama brings the Princess here,
Or brings her not, so shall King Gama have
Much more than everything -- much less than nothing!
"Now Hearken to my Strict Command"
Now hearken to my strict command
On every hand, on every hand----
To your command,
On every hand,
We dutifully bow.
If Gama bring the Princess here,
Give him good cheer, give him good cheer.
If she come here
We'll give him a cheer,
And we will show you how.
Hip, hip, hurrah! hip, hip, hurrah!
Hip, hip, hurrah! hurrah! hurrah!
We'll shout and sing
Long live the King,
And his daughter, too, I trow!
Then shout ha! ha! hip, hip, hurrah!
Hip, hip, hip, hip, hurrah!
For the fair Princess and her good papa,
Hurrah, hurrah!
But if he fail to keep his troth,
Upon our oath, we'll trounce them both!
He'll trounce them both,
Upon his oath,
As sure as quarter-day!
We'll shut him up in a dungeon cell,
And toll his knell on a funeral bell.
From his dungeon cell,
His funeral knell
Shall strike him with dismay!
Hip, hip, hurrah! hip, hip, hurrah!
Hip, hip, hurrah! hurrah! hurrah!
As up we string
The faithless King,
In the old familiar way!
We'll shout ha! ha! hip, hip, hurrah!
Hip, hip, hip, hip, hurrah!
As we make an end of her false papa,
Hurrah, hurrah!
(Exeunt all)
(Enter Hilarion)
"Today we meet"
To-day we meet, my baby bride and I--
But ah, my hopes are balanc'd by my fears!
What transmutations have been conjur'd by
The silent alchemy of twenty years!
BALLAD - Hilarion
Ida was a twelve-month old,
Twenty years ago!
I was twice her age, I'm told,
Twenty years ago!
Husband twice as old as wife
Argues ill for married life
Baleful prophecies were rife,
Twenty years ago,
Twenty years ago!
Still, I was a tiny prince
Twenty years ago.
She has gained upon me, since
Twenty years ago.
Though she's twenty-one, it's true,
I am barely twenty-two--
False and foolish prophets you
Twenty years ago,
Twenty years ago!
(Enter Hildebrand)
Well, father, is there news for me at last?
King Gama is in sight, but much I fear
With no Princess!
Alas, my liege, I've heard,
That Princess Ida has forsworn the world,
And, with a band of women, shut herself
Within a lonely country house, and there
Devotes herself to stern philosophies!
Then I should say the loss of such a wife
Is one to which a reasonable man
Would easily be reconciled.
Oh, no!
Or I am not a reasonable man.
She is my wife -- has been for twenty years!
(Holding glass) I think I see her now.
Ha! Let me look!
In my mind's eye, I mean -- a blushing bride
All bib and tucker, frill and furbelow!
How exquisite she looked as she was borne,
Recumbent, in her foster-mother's arms!
How the bride wept -- nor would be comforted
Until the hireling mother-for-the-nonce
Administered refreshment in the vestry.
And I remember feeling much annoyed
That she should weep at marrying with me.
But then I thought, "These brides are all alike.
You cry at marrying me? How much more cause
You'd have to cry if it were broken off!"
These were my thoughts; I kept them to myself,
For at that age I had not learnt to speak.
(Exeunt Hildebrand
and Hilarion)
(Enter Courtiers)
"From the distant panorama"
From the distant panorama
Come the sons of royal Gama.
They are heralds evidently,
And are sacred consequently,
Sons of Gama, hail! oh, hail!
(Enter Arac, Guron, and Scynthius)
"We are Warriors Three"
We are warriors three,
Sons of Gama, Rex,
Like most sons are we,
Masculine in sex.
Yes, yes, yes,
Masculine in sex.
Politics we bar,
They are not our bent;
On the whole we are
Not intelligent.
No, no, no,
Not intelligent.
But with doughty heart,
And with trusty blade
We can play our part--
Fighting is our trade.
Yes, yes, yes,
Fighting is our trade.
Bold and fierce, and strong, ha! ha!
For a war we burn,
With its right or wrong, ha! ha!
We have no concern.
Order comes to fight, ha! ha!
Order is obey'd,
We are men of might, ha! ha!
Fighting is our trade.
Yes -- yes, yes,
Fighting is our trade, ha! ha!
Fighting is our trade, ha
ha! They are men of might, ha! ha!
Fighting is their trade.
Order comes to fight, ha! ha!
Order is obey'd!
Order comes to fight!
Ha, Ha!
Order is obey'd!
Fighting Fighting
is. Yes, yes, yes, is
Fighting is our trade, ha their
Ha! trade!
(Enter King Gama)
"If you give me your Attention"
If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I
am:
I'm a genuine philanthropist -- all other kinds are
sham.
Each little fault of temper and each social defect
In my erring fellow-creatures, I endeavour to correct.
To all their little weaknesses I open people's eyes;
And little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise;
I love my fellow creatures -- I do all the good I
can--
Yet ev'rybody says I'm such a disagreeable man!
And I can't think why!
To compliments inflated I've a withering reply;
And vanity I always do my best to mortify;
A charitable action I can skillfully dissect;
And interested motives I'm delighted to detect;
I know ev'rybody's income and what ev'rybody earns;
And I carefully compare it with the income-tax
returns;
But to benefit humanity however much I plan,
Yet ev'rybody says I'm such a disagreeable man!
And I can't think why!
I'm sure I'm no ascetic; I'm as pleasant as can be;
You'll always find me ready with a crushing repartee,
I've an irritating chuckle, I've a celebrated sneer,
I've an entertaining snigger, I've a fascinating leer.
To ev'rybody's prejudice I know a thing or two;
I can tell a woman's age in half a minute -- and I do.
But although I try to make myself as pleasant as I
can,
Yet ev'rybody says I'm such a disagreeable man!
And I can't think why!
He can't think why!
He can't think why!
(Enter Hildebrand, Hilarion, Cyril and Florian)
So this is Castle Hildebrand? Well, well!
Dame Rumour whispered that the place was grand;
She told me that your taste was exquisite,
Superb, unparalleled!
(Gratified) Oh, really, King!
But she's a liar! Why, how old you've grown!
Is this Hilarion? Why, you've changed too--
You were a singularly handsome child!
(To Florian) Are you a courtier? Come, then ply your trade,
Tell me some lies. How do you like your King?
Vile rumour says he's all but imbecile.
Now, that's not true?
My lord, we love our King.
His wise remarks are valued by his court
As precious stones.
And for the self-same cause.
Like precious stones, his sensible remarks
Derive their value from their scarcity!
Come now, be honest, tell the truth for once!
Tell it of me. Come, come, I'll harm you not.
This leg is crooked -- this foot is ill-designed--
This shoulder wears a hump! Come, out with it!
Look, here's my face! Now, am I not the worst
Of Nature's blunders?
Nature never errs.
To those who know the workings of your mind,
Your face and figure, sir, suggest a book
Appropriately bound.
(Enraged) Why, harkye, sir,
How dare you bandy words with me?
No need
To bandy aught that appertains to you.
(Furiously) Do you permit this, King?
We are in doubt
Whether to treat you as an honoured guest
Or as a traitor knave who plights his word
And breaks it.
(Quickly) If the casting vote's with me,
I give it for the former!
We shall see.
By the terms of our contract, signed and sealed,
You're bound to bring the Princess here to-day:
Why is she not with you?
Answer me this:
What think you of a wealthy purse-proud man,
Who, when he calls upon a starving friend,
Pulls out his gold and flourishes his notes,
And flashes diamonds in the pauper's eyes?
What name have you for such an one?
A snob.
Just so. The girl has beauty, virtue, wit,
Grace, humour, wisdom, charity and pluck.
Would it be kindly, think you, to parade
These brilliant qualities before your eyes?
Oh no, King Hildebrand, I am no snob!
(Furiously) Stop that tongue,
Or you shall lose the monkey head that holds it!
Bravo! Your King deprives me of my head,
That he and I may meet on equal terms!
Where is she now? (Threatening)
In Castle Adamant,
One of my many country houses. There
She rules a woman's University,
With full a hundred girls, who learn of her.
A hundred girls! A hundred ecstasies!
But no mere girls, my good young gentleman;
With all the college learning that you boast,
The youngest there will prove a match for you.
With all my heart, if she's the prettiest!
(To Florian) Fancy, a hundred matches -- all alight!--
That's if I strike them as I hope to do!
Despair your hope; their hearts are dead to men.
He who desires to gain their favour must
Be qualified to strike their teeming brains,
And not their hearts. They're safety matches, sir,
And they light only on the knowledge box--
So you've no chance!
And there are no males whatever in those walls?
None, gentlemen, excepting letter mails--
And they are driven (as males often are
In other large communities) by women.
Why, bless my heart, she's so particular
She'll hardly suffer Dr. Watts's hymns--
And all the animals she owns are "hers"!
The ladies rise at cockcrow every morn--
Ah, then they have male poultry?
Not at all,
(Confidentially) The crowing's done by an accomplished hen!
(Gama, Hildebrand, Cyril, Hilarion, Florian
and Chorus of Girls and Men)
"P'raps if you Address the Lady"
P'raps if you address the lady
Most politely, most politely--
Flatter and impress the lady,
Most politely, most politely,--
Humbly beg and humbly sue--
She may deign to look on you,
But your doing you must do
Most politely, most politely, most
politely!
Humbly beg and humbly sue,
She may deign to look on you,
But your doing you must do
Most politely, most politely, most
politely!
Go you and inform the lady,
Most politely, most politely,
If she don't, we'll storm the lady
Most politely, most politely!
(To Gama) You'll remain as hostage here;
Should Hillarion disappear,
We will hang you, never fear,
Most politely, most politely, most
politely!
He'll [I'll] [You'll] remain as hostage here.
Should Hilarion disappear,
They [We] will hang me [you] never fear,
Most politely, most politely, most
politely!
(Gama, Arac, Guron and Scynthius are marched off in custody,
Hildebrand following)
Come, Cyril, Florian, our course is plain,
To-morrow morn fair Ida we'll engage;
But we will use no force her love to gain,
Nature, nature has arm'd us for the war we
wage!
Expressive glances
Shall be our lances,
And pops of Sillery
Our light artillery.
We'll storm their bowers
With scented showers
Of fairest flowers
That we can buy!
Oh, dainty triolet!
Oh, fragrant violet!
Oh, gentle heigho-let!
(Or little sigh).
On sweet urbanity,
Through mere inanity,
To touch their vanity
We will rely!
When day is fading,
With serenading
And such frivolity
We'll prove our quality.
A sweet profusion
Of soft allusion
This bold intrusion
Shall justify,
This bold intrusion
Shall justify.
Oh, dainty triolet!
Oh, fragrant violet!
Oh, gentle heigho-let!
(Or little sigh).
On sweet urbanity,
Through mere inanity,
To touch their vanity
We will rely!
We'll charm their senses
With verbal fences,
With ballads amatory
And declamatory.
Little heeding
Their pretty pleading,
Our love exceeding
We'll justify!
Our love exceeding
We'll justify!
Oh, dainty triolet!
Oh, fragrant violet!
Oh, gentle heigho-let!
(Or little sigh).
On sweet urbanity,
Through mere inanity,
To touch their vanity
We will rely!
Oh dainty Altos, Tenors, and
triolet! Oh fragrant Oh
violet! Oh dain-
gentle ty
heigh-o-let! (Or tri-
little o-
sigh). let!
Oh dainty Chorus:
triolet! Oh fragrant Oh
violet (Add Florian) Oh fra-
gentle grant
heigh-o-let! (Or vi-
little o-
sigh). let!
Tenors & Basses:
Oh dainty Oh dainty
triolet! Oh tri-
fragrant o-
violet let!
Oh dainty triolet!
Oh fragrant violet!
(Re-enter Gama, Arac, Guron, and Scynthius heavily ironed, followed
by Hildebrand)
Must we, till then, in prison cell be thrust?
You must!
This seems unnecessarily severe!
Arac, Guron
& Scyn: Hear, hear!
For a month to dwell
In a dungeon cell:
Growing thin and wizen
In a solitary prison,
Is a poor look out
For a soldier stout,
Who is longing for the rattle
Of a complicated battle--
For the rum - tum - tum
Of the military drum
And the guns that go boom!
boom!
The rum -- tum -- tum
Of the military drum,
Rum -- tum -- tum -- tummy tummy tummy tummy tum
Who is longing for the rattle of a complicated
battle--
For the rum tum tum
Of the military drum!
Prr, prr, prr, ra -- pum -- pum!
When Hilarion's bride
Has at length complied
With the just conditions
Of our requisitions,
You may go in haste
And indulge your taste
For the fascinating rattle
Of a complicated battle--
For the rum - tum - tum,
Of the military drum,
And the guns that go boom! boom!
The rum -- tum -- tum
Of the military drum,
Rum -- tum -- tum -- tummy tummy tummy tummy tum!
Who is longing for the rattle
Of a complicated battle
For the rum -- tum -- tum
Of the military drum!
Tum, prr -- prr -- prr ra -- pum, pum!
But til that time you'll [we'll] here remain,
And bail we [they] will not entertain,
Should she our [his] mandate disobey,
Your [Our] lives the penalty will pay!
But till that time you'll [we'll] here remain,
And bail we [they] will not entertain.
Should she our [his] mandate disobey,
Your [Our] lives the penalty will pay!
Should she our [his] mandate disobey,
Your [Our] lives the penalty will pay!
(Gama, Arac, Guron, and Synthius are
marched off.)
END OF ACT I
Gardens in Castle Adamant. A river runs across the
back of the stage, crossed by a rustic bridge. Castle
Adamant in the distance.
Girl Graduates discovered seated at the feet of Lady
Psyche
CHORUS OF GIRLS & SOLOS (Lady Psyche, Melissa and
Sacharissa)
"Towards the empyrean heights"
Towards the empyrean heights
Of ev'ry kind of lore,
We've taken several easy flights,
And mean to take some more.
In trying to achieve success
No envy racks our heart,
And all the knowledge we possess,
We mutually impart.
Pray, what authors should she read
Who in Classics would succeed?
If you'd climb the Helicon,
You should read Anacreon,
Ovid's Metamorphoses,
Likewise Aristophanes,
And the works of Juvenal:
These are worth attention, all;
But, if you will be advised,
You will get them Bowdlerized!
Ah! we will get them Bowdlerized!
Pray you, tell us, if you can,
What's the thing that's known as Man?
Man will swear and man will storm--
Man is not at all good form--
Is of no kind of use--
Man's a donkey -- Man's a goose--
Man is coarse and Man is plain--
Man is more or less insane--
Man's a ribald -- Man's a rake,
Man is Nature's sole mistake!
We'll a memorandum make--
Man is Nature's sole mistake!
And thus to empyrean height
Of ev'ry kind of lore,
In search of wisdom's pure delight,
Ambitiously we soar.
In trying to achieve success
No envy racks our heart,
For all we know and all we guess
We mutually impart!
And all the knowledge we possess,
We mutually impart,
We mutually impart, impart.
(Enter Lady Blanche. All stand up demurely)
Attention, ladies, while I read to you
The Princess Ida's list of punishments.
The first is Sacharissa. She's expelled!
Expelled!
Expelled, because although she knew
No man of any kind may pass our walls,
She dared to bring a set of chessmen here!
(Crying) I meant no harm; they're only men of wood!
They're men with whom you give each other mate,
And that's enough! The next is Chloe.
Ah!
Chloe will lose three terms, for yesterday,
When looking through her drawing-book, I found
A sketch of a perambulator!
(Horrified) Oh!
Double perambulator ...
Oh, oh!
...shameless girl!
That's all at present. Now, attention, pray;
Your Principal the Princess comes to give
Her usual inaugural address
To those young ladies who joined yesterday.
"Mighty maiden with a mission"
Mighty maiden with a mission,
Paragon of common sense,
Running fount of erudition,
Miracle of eloquence,
Altos: We are blind and we
would see;
We are bound, and would be free;
We are dumb, and we would talk;
We are lame, and we would walk.
(Enter
the Princess)
Mighty maiden with a mission--
Paragon of common sense;
Running found of erudition--
Miracle of eloquence, of eloquence!
"Minerva! Oh, hear Me"
Minerva! Minerva!
Oh, hear me:
Oh, goddess wise
That lovest light
Endow with sight
Their unillumin'd eyes.
At this my call,
A fervent few
Have come to woo
The rays that from thee fall,
That from thee fall.
Oh, goddess wise
That lovest light,
That lovest light,
Let fervent words and fervent thoughts be mine,
That I may lead them to thy sacred shrine!
Let fervent words and fervent thoughts be mine,
That I may lead them to thy sacred shrine,
I may lead them to thy sacred shrine, thy sacred
shrine!
Women of Adamant, fair Neophytes--
Who thirst for such instruction as we give,
Attend, while I unfold a parable.
The elephant is mightier than Man,
Yet Man subdues him. Why? The elephant
Is elephantine everywhere but here (tapping her
forehead),
And Man, whose brain is to the elephant's
As Woman's brain to Man's - (that's rule of three),--
Conquers the foolish giant of the woods,
As Woman, in her turn, shall conquer Man.
In Mathematics, Woman leads the way;
The narrow-minded pedant still believes
That two and two make four! Why, we can prove,
We women -- household drudges as we are--
That two and two make five -- or three -- or seven;
Or five and twenty, if the case demands!
Diplomacy? The wiliest diplomat
Is absolutely helpless in our hands.
He wheedles monarchs -- Woman wheedles him!
Logic? Why, tyrant Man himself admits
It's a waste of time to argue with a woman!
Then we excel in social qualities:
Though man professes that he holds our sex
In utter scorn, I venture to believe
He'd rather pass the day with one of you,
Than with five hundred of his fellow-men!
In all things we excel. Believing this,
A hundred maidens here have sworn to place
Their feet upon his neck. If we succeed,
We'll treat him better than he treated us:
But if we fail, why, then let hope fail too!
Let no one care a penny how she looks--
Let red be worn with yellow -- blue with green--
Crimson with scarlet -- violet with blue!
Let all your things misfit, and you yourselves
At inconvenient moments come undone!
Let hair-pins lose their virtue: let the hook
Disdain the fascination of the eye--
The bashful button modestly evade
The soft embraces of the button-hole!
Let old associations all dissolve,
Let Swan secede from Edgar -- Gask from Gask,
Sewell from Cross -- Lewis from Allenby!
In other words, let Chaos come again!
(Coming down) Who lectures in the Hall of Arts to-day?
I, madam, on Abstract Philosophy.
There I propose considering, at length,
Three points -- The Is, the Might Be, and the Must.
Whether the Is, from being actual fact,
Is more important than the vague Might Be,
Or the Might Be, from taking wider scope,
Is for that reason greater than the Is:
And lastly, how the Is and Might Be stand
Compared with the inevitable Must!
The subject's deep -- how do you treat it, pray?
Madam, I take three possibilities,
And strike a balance then between the three:
As thus: The Princess Ida Is our head,
the Lady Psyche Might Be, -- Lady Blanche,
Neglected Blanche, inevitably Must.
Given these three hypotheses -- to find
The actual betting against each of them!
Your theme's ambitious: pray you bear in mind
Who highest soar fall farthest. Fare you well,
You and your pupils! Maidens, follow me.
[Exeunt Princess
and maidens.
Manet
Lady Blanche.
EXEUNT FOR PRINCESS IDA & GIRLS
"And thus to Empyrean Height"
And thus to empyrean height
Of ev'ry kind of lore,
In search of wisdom's pure delight,
Ambitiously we soar.
In trying to achieve success
No envy racks our heart,
For all we know and all we guess
We mutually impart!
And all the knowledge we possess,
We mutually impart,
We mutually impart, impart.
I should command here -- I was born to rule,
But do I rule? I don't. Why? I don't know.
I shall some day. Not yet, I bide my time.
I once was Some One -- and the Was Will Be.
The Present as we speak becomes the Past,
The Past repeats itself, and so is Future!
This sounds involved. It's not. It's right enough.
(Since 1935 the following song has been usually omitted)
"Come, mighty Must!"
Come mighty Must!
Inevitable Shall!
In thee I trust.
Time weaves my coronal!
Go, mocking Is!
Go, disappointing Was!
That I am this
Ye are the cursed cause!
Ye are the cursed cause!
Yet humble second shall be first,
I wean
And dead and buried be the curst
Has Been!
Oh, weak Might Be!
Oh, May, Might, Could, Would, Should!
How pow'rless ye
For evil or for good!
In ev'ry sense
Your moods I cheerless call.
Whate'er your tense
Ye are imperfect all.
Ye have deceiv'd the trust I've shown
In ye!
Ye have deceiv'd the trust I've shown
In ye!
I've shown in ye!
Away! The Mighty Must alone
Shall be!
[Exit
Lady Blanche
[Enter Hilarion, Cyril, and Florian, climbing over wall, and creep-
ing cautiously among the trees and rocks at the back
of
the stage.]
"Gently, gently"
Gently, gently,
Evidently
We are safe so far,
After scaling
Fence and paling,
Here, at last, we are!
In this college,
Useful knowledge
Ev'rywhere one finds,
And already,
Growing steady,
We've enlarged our minds
We learnt that prickly cactus
Has power to attract us
When we fall.
When we fall!
That nothing man unsettles
Like a bed of stinging nettles,
Short or tall.
Short or tall!
That bull-dogs feed on throttles--
That we don't like broken bottles
On a wall.
On a wall!
That spring-guns breathe defiance!
And that burglary's a science
After all!
After all!
A Woman's college! maddest folly going!
What can girls learn within its walls worth
knowing?
I'll lay a crown (the Princess shall decide it)
I'll teach them twice as much in half-an-hour
outside it.
Hush, scoffer; ere you sound your puny thunder,
List to their aims, and bow your head in wonder!
They intend to send a wire
To the moon
Cyril &
To the moon;
And they'll set the Thames on fire
Very soon
Cyril &
Very soon;
Then they'll learn to make silk purses
With their rigs
Cyril &
With their rigs.
From the ears of Lady Circe's
Piggy-wigs
Cyril &
Piggy-wigs.
And weasels at their slumbers
They trepan
Cyril &
They trepan;
To get sunbeams from cucumbers
They've a plan
Cyril
& Florian: They've a plan.
They've a firmly rooted notion
They can cross the Polar Ocean,
And they'll find Perpetual Motion,
If they can
If they can.
These are the phenomena
That ev'ry pretty domina
Is hoping at her Universitee we shall see.
These are the phenomena
That ev'ry pretty domina
Is hoping at her Universitee we shall see!
As for fashion, they forswear it,
So they say
Hilarion &
So they say;
And the circle -- they will square it
Some fine day
Hilarion &
Some fine day;
Then the little pigs they're teaching
For to fly
Hilarion &
For to fly;
And the niggers they'll be bleaching,
By and by
Hilarion &
By and by!
Each newly joined aspirant
To the clan
Hilarion &
To the clan
Must repudiate the tyrant
Known as Man
Hilarion &
Known as Man.
They'll mock at him and flout him,
For they do not care about him
And they're "going to do without him"
If they can
If they can!
These are the phenomena
That ev'ry pretty domina
Is hoping at her Universitee we shall see.
These are the phenomena
That ev'ry pretty domina
Is hoping at her Universitee we shall see!
So that's the Princess Ida's castle! Well,
They must be lovely girls, indeed, if it requires
Such walls as those to keep intruders off!
To keep men off is only half their charge,
And that the easier half. I much suspect
The object of these walls is not so much
To keep men off as keep the maidens in!
But what are these? (Examining some Collegiate robes)
(looking at them) Why, Academic robes,
Worn by the lady undergraduates
When they matriculate. Let's try them on. (They do
so.)
Why, see -- we're covered to the very toes.
Three lovely lady undergraduates
Who, weary of the world and all its wooing -- (pose)
And penitent for deeds there's no undoing -- (pose)
Looked at askance by well-conducted maids -- (pose)
Seek sanctuary in these classic shades!
"I am a maiden"
I am a maiden, cold and stately,
Heartless I, with face divine.
What do I want with a heart, innately?
Every heart I meet is mine!
Every heart I meet is mine, is mine!
Haughty, humble, coy, or free,
Little care I what maid may be.
So that a maid is fair to see,
Ev'ry maid is the maid for me!
(Dance)
I am a maiden, frank and simple,
Brimming with joyous roguery;
Merriment lurks in ev'ry dimple
Nobody breaks more hearts than I!
Nobody breaks more hearts, more hearts than
I
Haughty, humble, coy, or free,
Little care I what maid may be.
So that a maid is fair to see,
Ev'ry maid is the maid for me!
(Dance)
I am a maiden coyly blushing,
Timid am I as a startled hind;
Every suitor sets me flushing,
Every suitor sets me flushing:
I am the maid that wins mankind!
Haughty, humble, coy, or free,
Little care I what maid may be.
So that a maid is fair to see,
Ev'ry maid is the maid for me!
Haughty, humble, coy, or free,
Little care I what maid may be.
So that a maid is fair to see,
Ev'ry maid is the maid for me!
[Enter the Princess, reading. She does not
see them.)
But who comes here? The Princess, as I live!
What shall we do?
(Aside) Why, we must brave it out!
(Aloud) Madam, accept our humblest reverence.
(They bow, then suddenly recollecting
themselves, curtsey.)
(Surprised) We greet you, ladies. What would you
with us?
(Aside to Cyril)
What shall I say? (Aloud) We are three students,
ma'am,
Three well-born maids of liberal estate,
Who wish to join this University.
(Hilarion and Florian curtsey again. Cyril bows
extravagantly,
then, being recalled to himself by Florian,
curtseys.)
If, as you say, you wish to join our ranks,
And will subscribe to all our rules, 'tis well.
To all your rules we cheerfully subscribe.
You say you're noblewomen. Well, you'll find
No sham degrees for noblewomen here.
You'll find no sizars here, or servitors,
Or other cruel distinctions, meant to draw
A line 'twixt rich and poor; you'll find no tufts
To mark nobility, except such tufts
As indicate nobility of brain.
As for your fellow-students, mark me well:
There are a hundred maids within these walls,
All good, all learned, and all beautiful:
They are prepared to love you: will you swear
To give the fullness of your love to them?
Upon our words and honours, Ma'am, we will!
But we go further: Will you undertake
That you will never marry any man?
Indeed we never will!
Consider well,
You must prefer our maids to all mankind!
To all mankind we much prefer your maids!
We should be dolts indeed, if we did not, seeing how
fair --
(Aside to Cyril) Take care -- that's rather strong!
But have you left no lovers at your home
Who may pursue you here?
No, madam, none.
We're homely ladies, as no doubt you see,
And we have never fished for lover's love.
We smile at girls who deck themselves with gems,
False hair and meretricious ornament,
To chain the fleeting fancy of a man,
But do not imitate them. What we have
Of hair, is all our own. Our colour, too,
Unladylike, but not unwomanly,
Is Nature's handiwork, and man has learnt
To reckon Nature an impertinence.
Well, beauty counts for naught within these walls;
If all you say is true, you'll pass with us
A happy, happy time!
If, as you say,
A hundred lovely maidens wait within,
To welcome us with smiles and open arms,
I think there's very little doubt we shall!
"The World is But a Broken Toy"
The world is but a broken toy,
Its pleasure hollow -- false its joy,
Unreal its loveliest hue,
Alas!
Its pains alone are true,
Alas!
Its pains alone are true.
The world is ev'rything you say,
The world we think has had its day.
Its merriment is slow.
Alas!
We've tried it, and we know,
Alas!
We've tried it and we know.
Unreal its loveliest hue,
Its pains alone are true,
Alas!
The world is but a broken toy,
Its pleasure hollow -- false its joy,
Unreal its loveliest hue,
Alas!
Its pains alone are true,
Alas!
Its pains alone are true!
Unreal its loveliest hue,
3 Men: Unreal its loveliest hue,
Cyr. & Flor: A- Hilarion: Un-
Un- las! real its
loveliest hue
real--- Alas! Alas!
-----
---- its loveliest hue
Alas!
Alas!
Its pains alone are true.
(Exit Princess. The three Gentlemen
watch her off.
Lady Psyche enters, and regards them with
amazement)
I'faith, the plunge is taken, gentlemen!
For, willy-nilly, we are maidens now,
And maids against our will we must remain.
[All laugh
heartily.]
(Aside) These ladies are unseemly in their mirth.
(The gentlemen see her, and, in confusion,
resume their
modest
demeanour.)
(Aside) Here's a catastrophe, Hilarion!
This is my sister! She'll remember me,
Though years have passed since she and I have met!
(Aside to Florian) Then make a virtue of necessity,
And trust our secret to her gentle care.
(To Psyche, who has watched Cyril in amazement)
Psyche! Why, don't you know me? Florian!
(Amazed) Why, Florian!
My sister! (Embraces her)
Oh, my dear! What are you doing here -- and who are
these?
I am that Prince Hilarion to whom
Your Princess is betrothed. I come to claim
Her plighted love. Your brother Florian
And Cyril came to see me safely through.
The Prince Hilarion? Cyril too? How strange!
My earliest playfellows!
Why, let me look!
Are you that learned little Psyche who
At school alarmed her mates because she called
A buttercup "ranunculus bulbosus"?
Are you indeed that Lady Psyche, who
At children's parties, drove the conjuror wild,
Explaining all his tricks before he did them?
Are you that learned little Psyche, who
At dinner parties, brought in to dessert,
Would tackle visitors with "You don't know
Who first determined longitude -- I do --
Hipparchus 'twas -- B. C. one sixty-three!"
Are you indeed that small phenomenon?
That small phenomenon indeed am I!
But gentlemen, 'tis death to enter here:
We have all promised to renounce mankind!
Renounce mankind!? On what ground do you base
This senseless resolution?
Senseless? No.
We are all taught, and, being taught, believe
That Man, sprung from an Ape, is Ape at heart.
That's rather strong.
The truth is always strong!
"A Lady Fair, of Lineage High"
A Lady fair, of lineage high,
Was loved by an Ape, in the days gone by.
The Maid was radiant as the sun,
The Ape was a most unsightly one,
The Ape was a most unsightly one--
So it would not do--
His scheme fell through,<